Divas Command

Has it been two whole weeks? Wow! It has. It will be two weeks ago Saturday that I went to visit my ex-fiance to call it quits, "gin," "fin." It was an adventure and an emotionally exhausting day.

Adventurous because for the first time instead of driving an hour and a half to northern Colorado, I took a church shuttle bus. Eighteen people, mostly women and children (3 men, including the driver, served as escorts) on a shuttle bus driving up the highway. I took my iPod and my homework thinking I'd multi-task on the trip but I ended up sleeping most of the way.

Whenever I go to the prison I am always struck at how good and sad it is to be there. I watch women and children, ranging in age from newborn to 10, visiting husband/fiance/boyfriend and daddy. One second I'm thinking, "That's great he gets to see his kids" or "That's good they get to see their daddy" and the next I'm thinking "How sad for your kids to see you in a prison uniform" or "How does that effect you seeing your daddy in a prison uniform?"

But I digress... so after the pat down and going through four sets of locked doors like a mouse in a maze I'm walking into the visiting room still trying to decide how and when to start the "official breakup" conversation. We've got six hours before visiting is over and I can get back on the bus. Do I wait until the end so we have a decent visit playing card games? Do I launch in at the beginning and risk a hella-fied long visit? Or do I start somewhere around hour 3?

The small talk lasted not quite an hour. Then he said something like, "Blah, blah, blah... when we have a baby." Ssssccccurrrrrtttt! Dang! Now I gotta say it.
"We're not having a baby."
"What? Why?"
"We're not going to be together."
"Why not?"
"Because we're not compatible."

And so it began. A long - hours long - painful conversation about how we don't work as a couple and there are too many unfulfilled needs on both sides. He wants to know exactly how we're not compatible and when I explain, he backpedals and says he can be / do all those things.

"I can go to church. I don't have to play basketball on Sunday mornings..."
"I can be the spiritual head of the household if that's what you need..."
"I am proud of you and how successful you are..."
"I can get use to your traveling for business..."
I can, I can, I will, I will...

I'm tired. And frankly, I don't buy it. There it is... out in the open. I don't believe him. I don't know why he wants to hang on so tight; why he wants to stay together. When we were together on the outside he didn't act as if he cared that much. I had convinced myself because of the way he acted, the other women, the sometime apathy, the lies, he didn't really love me as much as he said he did. Or the way he said he did. So I was very surprised when he took it so hard.

"Are you mad?" *Me incredulous.*
"Yes!"
"You are?! Are you hurt?" *still incredulous*
"Yes."
"You are?!" *really incredulous*

I know, not my most sensitive moment. But as I sat there and watched his face, my heart broke because his was breaking. So I did the only thing I could without going backwards, I offered friendship (that led to a philosophical discussion about friendships between males and females) and I told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I told him we both deserved someone who would love us the way we deserved to be loved and we didn't need to just settle.

It was hard. It was exhausting. And I almost caved. But I knew in my heart what I need, what I want and what I deserve. I really do hope we can be friends because I think he's a good man, but if not, I wish him well and pray for him much.

"It's been a long time..."

Yeah, the Diva Commander had to step away and handle a secret mission or two (or three or four - she's lost count now). Okay so they weren't so secret as I am about to divulge them for you here. But be warned, if you tell anyone I WILL have you killed and disavow any knowledge of your existence. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Most times when my world gets crazy I just go into action mode. I soldier up and handle what needs to be handled at that time. Processing comes later. That's what I'm coming out of now. I've been acting, now it's time to process. So look for it this weekend; I plan to regale you with my exploits, giving you enough fodder to light your imagination and fuel your fantasies until Christmas. Just let me get out of my diva uniform and get comfortable before I file my mission reports.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world - who left my control room such a mess?! Those dang wanna-be divas, can't leave them alone for a minute!

P.S. I just have to say quickly, him and I finally met up in person and my world will never be the same again. More on that later.

It's a wonderful feeling when you receive confirmation of how much you are loved. I mean we know, most times, how our family and family-friends feel about us but when you get those moments of clear revelation it feels good. Those moments when you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they will do anything for you and only let you fall so far. My latest moment came a couple of weekends ago.

My "adopted" parents had a party. It was a housewarming / end of softball season (4 time champions, babee!!) / church family / labor day / fish fry. Shoot, it was probably someone's birthday too. Oh, and it was opening weekend for college football - with the biggest game in town University of Colorado vs Colorado State University (thus the picture of everyone gathered around the big screen).

But unlike the guests I was summoned out early to help with the preparations. So there I am, making lemonade at the sink when my "grandmoma" says "Is something missing?" I'm thinking, No, Momma E... it's CountryTime - just add water but I say "M'am?" She repeats, "I said is something missing?" "What Momma E?" "Where am I looking?"

And that's when I realized she was looking at my left ring finger. See just a couple of months ago I, in a rush of rejection and resignation, finally said yes to my boyfriend's repeated request to marry him. I then promptly announced it to family and friends. But shortly after (we're talking hours, peeps) I knew it wasn't right. So I started thinking about how to extricate myself. I thought I'd wait about 6 months then say we decided things wouldn't work out. While I took the ring off officially, for weeks I would make sure I was wearing it whenever I thought I'd see family and/or friends. But labor day weekend I didn't feel like continuing the fraud. I thought no one would notice at the party so I just didn't put it on before I left the house.

Leave it to grandmas to see err'thang! And I couldn't lie to her. So I said, "Yeah, I took it off." "Took it off?" "Yeah. For good." "For good?" "For good." And I waited for the reaction, for the questions, for the admonishments. "Well, HALLELUJAH!" Huh, Momma E? "I knew he wasn't the one! I was only gonna let it go for only so long. I not letting anyone mess with my children. Lord, knows! I love my children and if you ain't right for them - you ain't right. I talked to people who knew and I knew he wasn't right for you..." You get the idea. I look over and my Momma is smiling, my Poppa is smiling, Daddy L (Momma E's man friend) is smiling and I'm like Why y'all ain't say something?!

So the day goes on and the word spreads. So much so that even around 6 pm when the latest wave of people come through (party started at 2, y'all - colored people), the recently arrived minister of music says, "T... heard you moving on, gurl. Well, change is good. If it ain't working, stop the bleeding." Huh?! Why y'all ain't say something?!

Later in the evening , just the "family" sitting around. My best sista-friend passes the word on to the other sistas. She is practically shouting she's so happy I've called it off. While everyone else is asking "What happened? When?" she's just sitting there glowing and beaming. Again Why Y'ALL ain't say something?!

So now I'm laughing my dang self because I'm imagining standing at the altar, the minister asking if anyone objects and my crazy "family" cueing up in the aisle to state their case. Or the other alternative, being kidnapped the week before my wedding and held hostage until I came to my senses or he gave me up for dead. Family, y'all... What we gon' do wit 'em? Why they ain't say something?!

Thanks mi familia - I love y'all too.

Well, I'm back. Actually been back since Sunday, at work bright and early on Monday. Things went well back east as they always do. It was absolutely wonderful to be surrounded by a large group of educators who are passionate about what they do and their kids. I love it! One lady asked me to come work in their district and honestly, after my first training trip back in the summer, I said to myself "I could work here fo' real!"

I know every district has its issues, problems, etc but it just seems to me if you have teachers who genuinely want to teach, are called to teach, are passionate about teaching, like the students they teach all that other ish can be overcome. And that's what I feel when I go to B-more to train.

I wish I could say things went well while I was gone, but at least I can say things didn't blow up. My kids did well but they were left out in the cold - no substitute, so they got shifted around (one class was completely left alone). But they handled themselves well. And I'm proud of them.

But that's not really why I picked up the pen (or keyboard, in this case) tonight, I think. Something is bubbling inside me and I'm not really sure what it is. It may be that Saturday I'm going to visit my ex-fiance and we have to make it official. He's in denial but it's time to lay all the cards on the table and say "gin." Even though I am 68000% sure we do not work as a romantic couple its still a little sad to say "fin." I mean, I was seriously going to spend the rest of my life with the man. But it didn't work out. He's still a good man; just not good for me.

Or it could be him. Oh yes! You knew there was a him (or another him some might say). But believe me when I say he was not the reason for my decision. At least not directly. I mean I didn't decide not to marry because of him. But he did make me realize I want, need and deserve more. There was a time when I hoped I could find it with him, but now I feel that waning. And I'm not sure if its me, him or us. But I feel it fading. And that's sad too because we were making arrangements to finally come together. Oh, well, what u gon' do?

I feel restless. Like something is about to happen, something has got to happen. I feel unsettled. A storm is just beyond the horizon and the landscape will be much different when it passes over. Some relationships may still be standing while others will just be fond memories of what was and what could have been.

My Minister of Music at church has a saying whenever someone is irritating him or flaking out on him. He says, "I'm going to write a book. The title will be 'Niggas will lie to you if you let them'." But that's another post for maybe another time.

It is the fourth week of school and a sista is stressed to the max! I seriously think I bit off more than I can chew this time, so I'm drinking water, chewing and swallowing as fast as I can to keep from choking.

My room is a mess. My planning is last minute. My class is full to capacity. People are dropping by my door asking me for information on everything from curriculum to "Where are the janitors?" Like I'm supposed to know that shyt! My principal, while not as much ghost as he was last year, is still not all there.

But, hallelujah! I'm leaving on a red eye tomorrow night for the east coast to do my second love and relatively new second job. I will be training a group of teachers on the curriculum I teach and I am excited to just get away. I don't even care I'll be arriving at 5 am EST. I'll be away for the weekend, able to leave the chaos behind.

At least until Monday...

On the not so chaos tip, I've been working out with a personal trainer for almost 4 weeks now and my body is beginning to feel like my body again. When I went shopping for trainers, I contemplated asking for a brotha. But when I went I met the manager, a white woman, who was really helpful and set up my consultation. It turns out they assign you to two trainers so you can change up your workout. My second trainer just happens to be a brotha and he kicks my a** at least once a week! I mean this man tortures me! But he also is very encouraging and helpful. I think I might make him my main trainer.

Hey, I'm single and I'm feeling good. Better things may just start happening in my love life now.

I had a conversation the other day with God. We talked about facets. The many facets of a person. I think I knew everyone has facets that comprise who they are, but I just hadn't thought of it in the way He described it.

I have been struggling within my relationship for some time now and I couldn't put my finger on why. Then God spoke to me - I'm not able to share who I am with my current significant other. I'm not able to share all the facets of who I am. And that got me to thinking - who am I? What are the different parts (facets) of my personality that make me, me? Who is Tonee?

The largest part of me is my faith. Yeah, I go to church weekly, I'm in several auxilaries and I'm well known in a medium size church but it's more than just the motions of belonging to a church for me. God is my best friend - we communicate hourly. When I say "Hallelujah!" because one of my students finally caught on, I actually mean "hallelujah" as in "praise the Lord for His goodness." If I utter "Oh my God" then I really mean "Isn't He amazing in what He does" or "Only You can help us with this one, Lord." And my faith led me to the second largest part of my life - teaching.

Because of my relationship with God I have embarked on the last career of my life - teaching. I will be a teacher until I retire, and who knows I might start some kind of non-profit tutoring / kid outreach center after I retire. (Or I just might work as a substitute.) For me teaching is not a career but a mission or a ministry and I do it because He asked me to. And He has blessed me abundantly for it.

I am also meant to be some man's helpmeet. I just don't know who yet. But I know that is my role, to be his wife, his fervent supporter, his best friend, his lover, his confidant, the protector of his heart, the mother of his children, and the warrior woman by his side.

I am a big sister, by blood and spirit. I am an aunt. I am a granddaughter, a daughter, a cousin, a friend, and a mentor. I am a lover of the erotic and sensual. I am a ex-athlete, sports fanatic. I am a voracious reader and fledgling writer. I am a science fiction lover and movie buff. I am a techno geek (or wanna be techno geek). I am a jokester and a goof ball. I am an organizer and planner. I am a singer, producer, director, photographer, and artiste. I am generous and a spoiled-brat. I am a shop-a-holic with a shoe fetish. I am a control freak who just might want a dominant man. I am a go getter who likes to lounge in bed all day at least once or twice a month. I am a future world traveler.

And I deserve a significant other who appreciates and supports all my facets just as I appreciate and support all his.

I want you to make love to me
Kiss me tenderly
Press your full, soft lips against mine until I open in response
Let your tongue savor the texture and taste of mine
Kiss me deeply
So deeply my hands have no choice but to find their way into your locs
Lay your nakedness on mine
Feel the heat of my skin invade yours
Caress the fullness of my breasts
Hold their weight as your mouth discovers the flavor of my nipples
Suckle me with the full breth of your tongue
And when my nipples are at their peak
Tickle them with the tip
Massage the fullness of my hips
As you move lower to savor my flavor
Make my hips rise against the onslaught of your feast
And when the pressure becomes almost too much to bear
Slide back up my body bringing a trail of wetness
Allow me to taste myself on you
Kiss me deeply
Delve into softness of my mouth as your hardness touches the heat of my entrance
Press into me slowly
Slow enough so I can map every millimeter of your length
Open me fully
Stretch me wide
Until we are sealed together completely
So completely we must break our kiss to exhale
Then rest there
Rest there and look deeply in my eyes
Feel our heartbeats sync together at our joining
Then move slowly with me - allowing us to touch each other fully
Build with me as we reach for the pinnacle of our desire
Ride the ebb and flow of our joining
Let our slow push and pull at each other take us to the edge
Cum with me - molten, sputtering, life-creating orgasm
And after the tension has been released
Allow yourself to shudder in my arms
Feel me continue to wrap myself around you, holding you with all I have
Loving you
For making love to me

copyright pending september 2005 - toneec42

I was talking with a gentleman friend tonight and I jokingly asked him to be my baby's daddy. Except the joke was on me because I didn't realize how much I meant it until he shot me down. It surprised me how much his rejection hurt because I thought I had prepared myself for the possibility that he doesn't care for me the way I care for him and/or he doesn't have the same desires for us as I do. But I guess I hadn't...

My life has been unsettled, to say the least, lately. I've gone through some enlightening and not so easy situations. Only to come out (or begin coming out) a little battered, a lot bruised and very fatigued. Except my friend spoke to me and said maybe it's not fatigue I feel but frustration. Frustration because I'm "not enjoying the journey for being overly concerned about arriving at the destination." Those were the words he used and what I heard was "you're being a spoiled brat who's too focused on what you'll get in the end, rather than enjoying what God is giving you now."

We had that conversation a couple of weeks ago and I've been praying and meditating on it ever since. At first I was angry - how dare you tell me I'm not tired when I know how I feel! Then I went through confusion - am I really that selfish and spoiled? Now I'm just numb - I'll just let whatever happens happen and I won't dare hope or pray for what I desire.

Except I forgot that tonight. I forgot to not hope and I opened my mouth and spoke my heart's desire and I got put back in my place. So I sit here alone, the only way I know how to be anymore, and I'm fatigued or frustrated or spoiled or hurt or angry or... I don't know anymore. So I go through the motions - wobbling back and forth on the edge, waiting for something to give. Trying with everything I have to not overreach; to be still. Trying to take it a step at a time.

Peace be still.