Commander Log - Stardate 61635.1: Girl Status
Life is precious baby, love is so rare
I could take the breakup if U say that U care
He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong
It started raining, baby, the birds were gone, oh
- Prince
I could take the breakup if U say that U care
He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong
It started raining, baby, the birds were gone, oh
- Prince
I try to live a life of reflection; paying attention to what is happening / has happened so I can learn from my (and others) mistakes. February 2008 has been a month I will remember. I found out, toward the end of last month, that I - am - a - girl.
Now I know you are saying to yourself, "She just found that out?" See, I have for many years thought of myself as a Woman - a Queen even. Not a girl. But over the last two weeks I have come to realize I've got some girl tendencies. A woman, while she likes compliments does not need them. She is confident in who she is, how she looks and how she carries herself. Well, the carries herself is the Queen coming out. Anyway... women do not dress to get the attention of men - they wear clothes that make them look and feel wonderful. Their clothes fit, no matter what size they need to purchase, and are comfortable as well as attractive. Women wear shoes that are BAD but they must also not hurt because every woman knows, painful ain't cute. (If the shoes hurt too much it doesn't matter how fierce they are, I can't walk in 'em and they aren't worth anything sitting in my closet.)
I have prided myself on being a woman. Not to be confused, I do want and need a man in my life - MY man. No correction - MY husband, but until he arrives I can do on my own. If a man compliments me in public I smile and say "thank you" as I continue on. I do not look for compliments. I do not go out to the grocery store, gym, mall, church or comedy club looking to be complimented and dressing to get attention. I just do me.
I have effectively convinced myself I am not one of those silly girls who is fishing for or craving the attention of men. However, on my recent trip home I found myself in straight girl mode. I mean blushing, smiling, giggling, and flirting FULL GIRL MODE. I even still blush now when I think about the encounter.
First before I go into detail about the encounter let me say that whenever I go home I get way more attention from men than I do in my current habitat. Thank God for southern men who like their women with some meat on them! If it's summer when I hit St. Louis, then I know I'm going to get compliments on my thick, smooth legs. If it's winter then men are going to comment on my high heeled boots and nicely filled out jeans. So I am braced - for lack of a better word - when I go home. (It also probably helps that I smile a lot when I'm home.)
So this trip home was no different. I actually started getting looks of interest in the Denver airport, but when I got off the plane in St. Louis from baggage claim to the hotel front desk, a sista was feeling appreciated. Then I met - him. More accurately I became reacquainted with him again. Him is my very first boyfriend - Michael.
Michael and I dated when we didn't even know what dating was. I was 12 and he was 14. We had known each other for about a year prior to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. (I had dated his friend and he dated my friend.) Those were the days of riding your bike to each other's house and sitting on the porch talking for hours in groups of no less than 4 and up to 10. Or your parents would offer to take you and your friends to the amusement park, or some tourist park, or each other's little league games, or the skating rink because "Isn't it cute? They like boys/girls now." That's when Michael and I dated. And we were in love. Awwww...
Needless to say we broke up. I don't remember why but he has a vivid recollection of where, when, why and how. I went on to high school and so did he. I left for college; he stayed in St. Louis and went to school. I never saw him again until two weeks ago.
Michael has intermittently stayed in contact with my uncles. At one time he even worked with my oldest uncle, so he was able to get an update on me. This time when I was home he asked a female friend of my youngest uncle to see if it were okay for her to give him my number. (How cute is that?! See I'm blushing again.) He called me that Saturday night and left a message. On Sunday morning he called back and we talked for over an hour. During the conversation he informed me when, how, why, and where we broke up, how he took it, and how he still hasn't gotten over me. A story that we both laughed at so hard we cried! Then he agreed to meet me at the nursing home so he could see me and my grandmother who he had not seen in over 25 years. (25 years! Oh, gawd - we're that old?!) Yeah, I told him not to say that again - the 25 years part.
We met a few hours later at my grandmother's nursing home. When he arrived he called me and I walked to the lobby to meet him. I have never seen any grown man's face, not related to me by blood, light up the way his did when he saw me for the first time in so many years. And by the way I'm smiling as I write this, I'm pretty sure my face reflected the same light. (As I walked around the corner I remember hearing the receptionist asking him who was he waiting on and then saying "Oh, you're meeting this pretty lady" as I got caught up in his arms.)
We went into the common room where he spoke with my grandmother and I reminded her who he was. We spent three hours talking and catching up. The whole three hours were peppered with his saying how beautiful I am, how I look the same, smile the same, laugh the same, walk the same. At one point he even called a friend who had been around when we dated to tell him he "was sitting next to Tonee. *pause*
When my grandmother went to listen to the minister who had come to provide a sermon for the residents, Michael and I went to the other side of the room to talk. He asked about my boyfriend and when I told him I was single he was speechless. We spent the time smiling at each other like giddy teenagers. Michael spoke about how devoted he was to me and how I should be the mother of his children. There was a couple sitting across from us. The wife is a resident and her husband comes to visit her. He was feeding her and sitting next to her with his arm around her. Michael was captivated by them. He kept saying "Tonee that's going to be us. We'll be 80 and I'll still be calling you 'baby'. Feeding you and holding you close." Eventually he had to go so we said goodbye and planned to see each other the next day.
While we did speak briefly later that night, we did not see each other the next day. So I left St. Louis without seeing or speaking to him again. He had said before we saw each other that he needed to see me so he could "get this out of my system." I responded "What if it doesn't work?" I don't think it worked. He didn't have an answer then. And I don't think he has an answer now. And I'm still blushing - like a girl.
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