Divas Command

So here's another artist who's work I admire and respect. I knew I wanted to post something in my [blog] world by her but I was having a difficult time choosing. That is until I read this. I hope you enjoy. This, ladies and gentlemen, is nimah_soul.

P.S. Oh, and by the way I didn't misprint. I know this is Guest Appearance III and you haven't seen Guest Appearance II. But I'm still in negotiations with that artist. If we're blessed he'll acquiesce and share his genius with us.

Guilty-

Driving towards a 3 way intersection unsure of which road to take. Knowing I'll have to leave 2 behind no matter which turn I make. I'm anxious to let go but my mind is so fucked up, and my body says no. My heart is a whirlwind of confusion , my desires constantly scream out for attention. I just don't know who, what, where or when..but then again, how could I even begin, to choose.

I'm guilty of falling for him regardless of his situation. I knew he couldn't touch me when I needed to be touched. I knew he couldn't hold me at times I needed to be held so much. I knew he couldn't hold me down and be my crutch. He couldn't because he was too dependent on me. He needed me to be his woman until he was set free. And even then he needed me to help him on his feet. He needed to give me all the things he'd promised me. He needed to feel like a man. This man needed me...and I gave him everything. But now I'm guilty of accepting his ring...
...knowing that I'd fallen in love with man number 2.

This man was like a new found religion. He gave me stability, security, leadership and a vision. I wanted his knowledge and his intensity, I wanted his ambition and diversity. I desired his spirit inside of me. I loved everything about him as he did everything about me. And it was so good. But I went into it with deception and contradiction, my intentions misunderstood. I knew that what we had was harmonic, yet had no rhythm or rhyme. I knew it was a temporary flame that would be blown out over time. I knew this man could never be mine. But all he knew was that he loved me unconditionally. He tried to teach me the meaning of having options, and why an option he would never be. The deeper I fell, the harder it became to pull myself out. I am guilty of acknowledging my love for him, yet being so consumed with doubt...
...then I'm guilty of falling for man number 3.

A past love resurfacing, haunting me until I gave in. A man with many faces, begging me to believe in him. And of course I did. He was like candy and I was like a kid. I held on tight, embracing his newness. I enjoyed the familiarity and his boldness. I loved being with a man I could possess. The way he cared for me, the way he made love to me, almost made me forget he was man number 3. Almost made me forget it was all he'd ever be. And as I fought for this thing as much as I could, I felt the noose tighten around my neck. I struggled to use him up and pull him as close as he could possibly get. But even in suffocating I realized that I was guilty of killing a friendship. But now it's too late because in reality... after the pain and heartbreak this man would never be a friend to me.

...so I am guilty of putting 3 men in compromising positions. I am guilty of giving myself to each one under unforgivable conditions. But even more than that, I'm guilty of not trusting myself enough to make responsible decisions. Still I continue to drive through this fog of ignorance, blindly and unknowing of what awaits me in the distance.

By Nimah_Soul

Someone finally found my blog, made a comment, and tagged me! Thanks Nameliar! So here we go...

Seven things I plan to do before I die...

1. Visit Greece
2. Make love to my wonderful husband overlooking the ocean in Greece (Honey, I'm waiting... where the hell are you?!)
3. Visit Egypt
4. Make love to my wonderful, sexy husband overlooking the pyramids
5. Nurse the baby given to me by my wonderful, sexy, strong husband
6. See the Holy City
7. Walk in the Jordan River

Things I Can Do...

1. Make you smile
2. Make you laugh out loud
3. Make you cry
4. Make you hot and hard, then soft and then hard again without coming up for air (if you're a guy)
5. Make you feel loved and cherished
6. Work and play well with 8th graders
7. Run with scissors

Things I Can't Do...

1. Lose my faith
2. Repay my debt for salvation
3. Enough for my God
4. Enough for my (future) family
5. Roll my tongue (But I'm still sexy anyway!)
6. Stay angry
7. Sweat the small stuff

Things I Say The Most...

1. Whatever!
2. What-the-fuck-ever!
3. You stoopid!
4. You ain't right...
5. .... since Moses was in the basket
6. ... as all outdoors
7. Shut up! (As in "get out of here with that")

Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex...

1. Spirituality (Pray for me, honey.)
2. Intelligence (Talk to me, baby.)
3. Sense of humor (Make me laugh so hard I throw up, boo.)
4. Sensuality (Ummm, caress me... right.... there...)
5. Teeth (Smile for me, darling.)
6. Hands (Oh, yes! Touch me, Papi!)
7. Eyes (Give me that look, daddy...)

Celebrity Crushes... (in no particular order)

1. Gary Dourdan (With or without the locs, this man is the man! Even if he is a little on the lighter side of the color wheel.)
2. Christopher Judge (Now that's and ET I can cling too!)
3. Michael Jordan (He might not be the finest brotha, but there's no doubt he's sexy as hell!)
4. Keanu Reeves (Got mix it up just a little bit. He got enough flavor to slip under the wire.)
5. Mekhi Pfieffer (A refined rough-neck for ya!)
6. Terrance Howard (I love a man who's passionate about his work.)
7. A new, up and coming talent, but ssshhhh... I can't name names right now.

So now, in the spirit of which I received it, tag y'all it!

So I'm checking out this new blog world and I came across someone who did this. I liked it so much I copped it. Hey, just telling the truth and shaming the devil. Wrote a song about it... wanna hear it.. here it go...

Random Facts
1. Nervous habits?
I don't look people in the eye.
2. Are you double jointed?
I wish!
3. Can you roll your tongue?
Nope - but I'm still sexy anyway.
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?
My father is Gerald Ivan (that would be a "yes").
5. Can you blow spit bubbles?
Umm, never tried. Grandma woulda slapped me into 2010.
6. Can you cross your eyes?
Of course! Who can't?
7. Tattoos?
One tiny faded one. May expand in the future though...
8. Piercings?
Two each ear and my navel (think that one's closed however).
9. Do you make your bed daily?
I barely make it weekly when I change the linen. (I should get a maid for that.)

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first?
The right. No... the left... no, the right... how should I know, I'm usually half asleep!
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?
No, Grandma took care of the shoe throwin' in our house
12. On the average, how much money do you carry?
Cash? They still make that stuff?
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
My ankle bracelet, a cross-of some kind-around my neck, at least one bracelet and thin gold wedding bands on my right thumb and ring finger.
14. Favorite piece of clothing?
I can only pick one?! Well, whatever it is, it's leather.

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl with a spoon.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam?
Yes, way back.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food?
That would be a "no." Hello! Black woman here!
18. How many cereals in your cabinet?
6 or 7 - I lost count.
19. What's your favorite beverage?
Water.
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant?
White Castle.
21. Do you cook?
Oh, yes!

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth?
Whatever!! Next question!
23. Hair drying method?
Blowdryer with pic attachment - otherwise it's curly city!
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?
No - I got natural highlights.
25. Do you swear?
Only when I'm annoyed.
26. Do you ever spit?
Can't - no matter how hard I try.

FAVORITES
27. Animal?
Jaguar / Panther.
28. Food?
Chinese and/or seafood.
29. Month?
October.
30. Day?
Tuesday.
31. Cartoon?
Oooh, you gon' git it now... Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Transformers, Thundercats, Justice League Unlimited, Harvey Birdman - Attorney at Law, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Ed, Edd and Eddy... I could keep going but I'd never finish the other questions.
32. Shoe brand?
Nike.
33. Subject in school?
History, writing, literature, chemistry, algebra, statistics and trig.
34. Color?
Black
35. Sport?
Basketball
36. TV shows?
See #31 and Law & Order (all), Stargate SG-1, Battlestar Galactica, and CSI.
37. Thing to do in the spring?
Put away my leather clothing.
38. Thing to do in the summer?
Miss wearing my leather clothing. Oh, and hang out with friends, sleep in and travel.
39. Thing to do in the autumn?
Unpack my leather clothing.
40. Thing to do in the winter?
Wear my leather clothing. And cuddle by a fire in silk pajamas.

IN AND AROUND
41. In the CD player?
Roy Hargrove
42. Person you talk most on the phone with?
He knows...
43. Reading?
Student work, textbooks and the Bible.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors?
Mmm-hmm, I'm fat but I'm sexy as all outdoors.
45. What color is your bedroom?
Black and biege.
46. Do you use an alarm clock?
Yes or I'd never get to work on time.
47. Window seat or aisle?
Aisle. I got loooooong legs.

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position?
On my stomach in the middle of the bed, spread eagle.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?
Yes... I use a down comforter year round.
50. Do you snore?
Don't know - I'm asleep.
51. Do you sleepwalk?
Not by habit.
52. Do you talk in your sleep?
So I've been told...
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yes, a purple teddybear - I can't be in the bed alone and since no men are applying for the job...
54. How about with the light on?
No light.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?
Radio - hard to sleep in silence.
56. Last interesting person you met?
I don't know. It's all about me. Deal with it.

We speak for hours at a time
We chat about family
We relate stories of friendships - past and present
He makes my mind wet

We discuss theology
We quote scripture
We pray with and for each other
He makes my spirit wet

We debate our beliefs and actions
We utter our opinions
We lecture each other on our wrongs
He makes my soul wet

We whisper of dreams
We talk about desires
We share passions
He makes my heart wet

We exchange words of lust
We devulge sensitive spots
We rehearse intimate encounters
He makes my body wet

He
Makes
Me
Wet

copyright august 2005 toneec42

"Thank you for being the flint that created the spark that ignited the fire..."

Exactly six years ago I embarked on a journey of faith. My God asked me to teach His children and I left my so-so corporate job paying oh-so much money and began teaching. I walked away with less than a two-week notice and went to do a job that would cost me over a $10k pay cut.

I never trained to be a teacher. My undergrad degree is in Communications. Never took an education class. Knew nothing about children - don't even have any myself. Knew nothing about child development, curriculum, standards, or any of that other theory stuff they study in education programs. All I knew was my God told me to go. So I did; I took on the task of teaching His 8th grade children.

Every day I prayed and asked Him to use me to touch His young people. I asked Him to bless me to be more than just their english teacher. I asked Him to allow me to touch just one a year. And every year He gave me 20 or 30 young people. Young people who call me friend, mentor, coach, "Mom."

A year ago He moved me into a new position that took me out of the classroom 75% of the time; working more with teachers as a coach. I fretted and worried that I would no longer have the opportunity to reach out to 90 student, 5 days a week - but only be able to work closely with 35. He spoke to me through colleagues, friends and family saying it was what He wanted me to do and I accepted the new position. I did the best I could, leaning on Him to guide, prepare and keep me.

At the end of the year I was offered another position, completely administrative - no regular student contact - that would have been a $13k+ raise. It was tempting but I heard His voice say "You are where I want you to be." So I politely declined.

Now the new school year has started; our first week back. It is absolutely crazy! I am working with most of the same teachers as I did last year, but I have taken on more responsibility - another title and a principal internship. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Ready to quit.

But yesterday a teacher, someone who has been teaching over 50 years, called me into her room. She asked me to follow up on something for her, then she went to her desk and pulled out a gift bag. She walked over to me and said, "This is for you. Thank you for being the flint that created the spark that lit the flame. Because of you we have been able to go where we couldn't go before." When I opened the gift, there was a handcarved angel in a box.

So six years later He has moved me into a new position and granted me success. I now have a oh-so-wonderful job and make not-so-bad money. And I remember to lean on Him always because I have an angel in a box. Oh, and I continue to ask Him to give me one - just one - young person a year.

Wouldn't you like to know now what is in store for you a year from now? God leads us a day a time, a step at a time. No need to worry about distant events. The Welsh hymn writer William Williams compared the Christian life to the Israelite's trek through the wilderness. We may not know the route by which God is leading us, but we humbly count on His guidance.

When (Will You?)

When I am down
Will you write me a poem?
When I'm caught up in the whirlwind of the storm
Will you shelter me from harm?
When I am on the edge about to fall
Will you grab my arm?
When the world is so cold to me
Will you keep me warm?
When all my prized possessions are stolen from me
Will you promise to be my lucky charm?
When I feel like sleeping in because of the ignorance of the world
Will you tell me baby it will be okay and be my alarm?
When I put you before me
Will you remember to do the same?
When I'm down and out
Will you still adore me?
When my shadow is overshadowed by the darkness
Will you be my shade?
When I'm wounded from fighting too many wars
Will you help me fight the battles?
When I'm deaf toward a person and have got the wrong impression
Will you help me to hear when that snake rattles?
When tribulations try to consume us
Will you remember that we are on the same team?
When you're about to cry
Will you tell me what's exactly on your mind exactly?
When my back is against the wall
Will you still back me?
When you're down
Will you run to me because I can make you happy?
When you think of me
Will you smile?
When you're not near me
Will you find a way to pick up a phone and dial?
When we make love
Will you want me to have your child?
When we get married
Will you keep all of your vows?

Adapted from a poem by *The Beautiful Mind*

I read a lot. I always have. In college I started reading historical romances. I don't remember how I got started but I was hooked. I think it was the combination of history (I've always been a history buff) and romance (I'm a closet romantic, too). Somehow I got a hold of a book by Virgina Henley and it was on after that. I read everything I could find by her, even going to book resale stores to find old titles.

If you've ever read a historical romance novel, you know the basic plot. Strong, virile, warrior (or warrior type), prince (or prince equivalent) meets beautiful, young, firm, spirited, VIRGIN woman. Both fight their attraction to each other amid some danger that threatens the village / kingdom / clan. Eventually they find themselves in bed and the sex is phenomenal - so much so he is irrevocably changed and she has an orgasm which drives her to tears.

Yeah, I know - totally unrealistic. But hey, I was hooked. And when I got tired of ivory-skinned, porcelain-skinned, long blond / brunette / red-headed women, I stumbled upon Beverly Jenkins. Oh yes! Now that's what I'm talking about! Historical romances with Black people in them. Those I could relate to, for real.

The plot for these novels? Strong, virile, warrior (or warrior type), prince (or prince equivalent) meets beautiful, young, firm, spirited, VIRGIN woman. Both fight their attraction to each other amid some danger that threatens the town / village / family. Eventually they find themselves in bed and the sex is phenomenal - so much so he is irrevocably changed and she has an orgasm which drives her to tears. Wow! That's different!

Okay, so not so much different. And as hooked as I was I wasn't buying it all. Sex changes men? Men realize after one hot, sexual encounter they are actually in love with the woman they've been arguing with for the past three days / months /years? Orgasms so good they make you cry?

Humph!
Not buying it...
At least until last night.

Last night I had a dream experience. (I distinctly remember being asleep.) He was a strong, virile warrior King but he didn't fight his attraction to me and he wouldn't let me fight mine to him. He spoke softly but firmly. He told me what he would do to me; then he made me feel it. He commanded me to let go; then he made me do it. He told me to jump; then he softened my landing. He took me to orgasm - one that brought me to tears.

I'm running on the verge
The verge of depression
Some days, some moments, I tip over into it
But mostly
I'm running as fast as I can
Just to toe the line
I can't stop to breathe
I can't stop to think
I can't stop to feel
I can't stop...
And I am so tired
I want to rest
I want to find rest
I want to get lost in rest
I don't have the strength to keep running
I don't have the stamina
I don't have the breath
I don't have the desire
I can't do this
I can't finish this race
I'm sorry God
I can't be Hosea
I just can't
I'm so sorry...
but I can't

toneec42 copyright august 2005