Strength
I woke up early this morning crying. It was a lot earlier than I planned to wake up and it was definitely not the way I wanted to wake up. I know my life is abundantly blessed. I have family, friends, ministry (ies). I have enough financial stability to have the things I need (and quite a few of the things I want). But I'm not fulfilled. (I wonder if this is how he feels. No, not him but him - my (future) husband. I don't know if they are one in the same at this point. Does he miss his rib as much as I miss him?) I feel guilty because I am so blessed yet it's as if I'm saying, "Sorry God, it's not enough. I need him, too." Is that unreasonable? Is that selfish? Am I being spoiled?
I really want to be like the woman in the picture. She's confident. She's capable in her own right. She's strong. Strong enough to know that she can hold her head up high, face anyone and be confident in what she portrays and what they see. Strong enough to admit her heart needs filling. I want to have enough strength of purpose to hold my heart out and up for him to take. And strong enough to continue holding it out when no one wants it.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Posted by
The Brown Blogger |
10:25 AM, November 25, 2005
I woke up yesterday morning not crying, but after a few phone calls, I balled. I was pushed further away from family gatherings and shared dinners and those that pushed made sure I knew it very early yesterday morning.
I thought about failing, I thought that I was a failure. I thought about giving into what was wished upon me and almost left this plane. I couldn't get myself together to go to my real family's gathering. I stayed in tears, couldn't concentrate enough to get dressed and ride the train and ended up having to sleep off the urge of suicide.
She invited me and was hurt that I could not come thru. I knew she was hurt, but it was her that kept me from leaving here. She sent a text message while I slept and kept waking up confused, and then later that night she called. She started to panic when she understood what my day was like. I wish I had the strength to move and go and be with her and hers, I was not in the correct mental state to be around them and all that love, I would have brought them down.
My love for her (hers for me, really) made me realize that my destiny is to be here with her, plan some things, get a home and then make babies. I told her that. She understood. I told her that I loved her. That was the first time.
She's still mad that I wasn't there, but I think I have been given the chance to be there for all of the remaining family gatherings. And I want to. Cause' I know she is the one.
And that our kids will be running around sooner or later messing with stuff.
Posted by
The Brown Blogger |
10:30 AM, November 25, 2005
Hassan - I'm sorry to hear your holiday started so awful. How about we keep each other in prayer? You reach out to her; sounds like you have a woman willing to stand by your side and help you fight your battles. Don't push her away.
Posted by
toneec42 |
9:56 PM, November 25, 2005
As long as you are patient and work diligently towards that goal, it will happen. Sometimes it comes along when you least expect it. Just be patient. You will find that "Adam".
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:52 AM, November 26, 2005
I noticed that we all go through these phases where we are unhappy with what we have and want more. I suppose this is just a part of keeping life interesting we would get bored if we had everything. It gives us something to work towards.
Posted by
NameLiar |
12:33 PM, November 26, 2005
Yeah I agree with mills...not having it ALL only gives us something to strive for:)
Posted by
Didi Roby |
6:50 PM, November 26, 2005
That lady in that picture got a big ol' booty.
Sorry. It had to be said.
KZ
Posted by
Knockout Zed |
3:36 PM, December 05, 2005
Eps - Thanks for the encouragement.
Mills / DeeDee - Thanks for the different perspective; perhaps you have a point there.
Zed - Guess what? So do I. Thanks for making me smile (as always).
Posted by
toneec42 |
9:53 PM, December 06, 2005