Secret Mission #5623

Little darling / Gotta go now / Don't worry u'll be just fine / When it comes 2 good luck / I just know, i just know u'll always be the first in line / Nobody'll ever love u as much as i do / That doesn't mean other people won't love u 2 / Don't talk 2 strangers / Don't forget 2 say your prayers at night / Remember God He made u / And one day He'll make everything alright / Don't cross on yellow / U always got to wait 4 a green light / Remember God He made u / And one day He'll make things alright

- Prince

This is a tag of sorts. It's been a loooonng minute since I've filed a mission report, mostly because I've been wallowing in negativity, self-pity, depression and fatigue, but RGB asked "How far do I have to dig back to find out what happened with/to him? Or is it a sensitive topic? Sounds like he left quite an impression..." That got me to thinking, "Yeah, what is/did happen with him?"

Let's look at the facts...

1. We were not/are not in romantic relationship.

2. We are friends; close friends (No Zed, not "with benefits"!)

3. There is a major attraction there - if you haven't figured it out yet.

4. We live 1000 miles away from each other.

5. I would like to be in a romantic relationship with him.

6. He does not feel he is/has who/what I deserve yet.

7. I totally disagree with him.

8. We frequently argue about it.

9. But I can't change his mind.

10. He says he's working on it and when he believes he's ready, he's coming for me.

11. We did spend one glorious weekend together in a neutral city.

12. I really want to visit him.

13. He says he's going to visit me as soon as possible.

14. He is one of my best friends.

15. We separated for awhile. (Didn't speak.)

16. He was struggling with family, job, financial issues; his own depressive state.

17. He's too proud to reach out for help.

18. I missed him terribly.

19. I was hurt and angry that he didn't reach out to me. (I knew something was wrong.)

20. I was too proud to continue trying to reach him.

21. I started listening to the deceiver and fell into an awful depression.

22. He finally reached out.

23. I yelled at him for being so dayum proud.

24. He took it.

25. We talked for over 4 hours.

26. We both aired our grievances, our desires, our fears.

27. We encouraged each other.

28. We shared scripture and prayer.

29. We laughed.

30. We said "I love you."

So now I feel better. I am ecstatic to have my friend back. I am mourning the "loss" (for now) of our romantic possibility. I am trying to understand what God "sees." I am operating in faith that His plan is intact. I am trying to stay open to His direction. I am reluctantly dating someone else. (Well not "reluctantly" dating, but my heart's not completely in it. He's a good guy, we have fun but... he's not him.)