Frustration vs Fatigue
I was talking with a gentleman friend tonight and I jokingly asked him to be my baby's daddy. Except the joke was on me because I didn't realize how much I meant it until he shot me down. It surprised me how much his rejection hurt because I thought I had prepared myself for the possibility that he doesn't care for me the way I care for him and/or he doesn't have the same desires for us as I do. But I guess I hadn't...
My life has been unsettled, to say the least, lately. I've gone through some enlightening and not so easy situations. Only to come out (or begin coming out) a little battered, a lot bruised and very fatigued. Except my friend spoke to me and said maybe it's not fatigue I feel but frustration. Frustration because I'm "not enjoying the journey for being overly concerned about arriving at the destination." Those were the words he used and what I heard was "you're being a spoiled brat who's too focused on what you'll get in the end, rather than enjoying what God is giving you now."
We had that conversation a couple of weeks ago and I've been praying and meditating on it ever since. At first I was angry - how dare you tell me I'm not tired when I know how I feel! Then I went through confusion - am I really that selfish and spoiled? Now I'm just numb - I'll just let whatever happens happen and I won't dare hope or pray for what I desire.
Except I forgot that tonight. I forgot to not hope and I opened my mouth and spoke my heart's desire and I got put back in my place. So I sit here alone, the only way I know how to be anymore, and I'm fatigued or frustrated or spoiled or hurt or angry or... I don't know anymore. So I go through the motions - wobbling back and forth on the edge, waiting for something to give. Trying with everything I have to not overreach; to be still. Trying to take it a step at a time.
Peace be still.
My life has been unsettled, to say the least, lately. I've gone through some enlightening and not so easy situations. Only to come out (or begin coming out) a little battered, a lot bruised and very fatigued. Except my friend spoke to me and said maybe it's not fatigue I feel but frustration. Frustration because I'm "not enjoying the journey for being overly concerned about arriving at the destination." Those were the words he used and what I heard was "you're being a spoiled brat who's too focused on what you'll get in the end, rather than enjoying what God is giving you now."
We had that conversation a couple of weeks ago and I've been praying and meditating on it ever since. At first I was angry - how dare you tell me I'm not tired when I know how I feel! Then I went through confusion - am I really that selfish and spoiled? Now I'm just numb - I'll just let whatever happens happen and I won't dare hope or pray for what I desire.
Except I forgot that tonight. I forgot to not hope and I opened my mouth and spoke my heart's desire and I got put back in my place. So I sit here alone, the only way I know how to be anymore, and I'm fatigued or frustrated or spoiled or hurt or angry or... I don't know anymore. So I go through the motions - wobbling back and forth on the edge, waiting for something to give. Trying with everything I have to not overreach; to be still. Trying to take it a step at a time.
Peace be still.
That was deep and insightful. I feel like you put your heart on the page. Thank you for giving a brother some understanding of a black woman's true feelings.
Posted by
Knockout Zed |
5:49 AM, September 02, 2005
I agree with knockout zed, this was very pure and raw. I know exactly how you feel...I just can't express it that clearly. Mine usually manifests as anger, hence the birth of my blog...lol
I love your page, I've added you to "Da Crew"(daily reads)...lol just typing da crew made me laugh I feel like I'm in high school forming a clique..lol
Posted by
NameLiar |
7:53 AM, September 02, 2005
Zed - Thanks brotha for stopping by and showing some love. I'll be going back to your blog tonight to read some more. You had me on the floor with your ability to draw pictures.
nameliar - Did you notice you're on my list of people I admire? I saw your blog and I am honored to be on "Da Crew." See ya later, lady!
Posted by
toneec42 |
12:33 PM, September 02, 2005
Awe thank you girl am I so touched.
Posted by
NameLiar |
3:04 PM, September 02, 2005
Saw you on my girl nameliar's spot and had to stop on through...
I'm still reading:)
Posted by
Didi Roby |
3:41 PM, September 02, 2005