Mission 1 Report - Operation "Gin"
Has it been two whole weeks? Wow! It has. It will be two weeks ago Saturday that I went to visit my ex-fiance to call it quits, "gin," "fin." It was an adventure and an emotionally exhausting day.
Adventurous because for the first time instead of driving an hour and a half to northern Colorado, I took a church shuttle bus. Eighteen people, mostly women and children (3 men, including the driver, served as escorts) on a shuttle bus driving up the highway. I took my iPod and my homework thinking I'd multi-task on the trip but I ended up sleeping most of the way.
Whenever I go to the prison I am always struck at how good and sad it is to be there. I watch women and children, ranging in age from newborn to 10, visiting husband/fiance/boyfriend and daddy. One second I'm thinking, "That's great he gets to see his kids" or "That's good they get to see their daddy" and the next I'm thinking "How sad for your kids to see you in a prison uniform" or "How does that effect you seeing your daddy in a prison uniform?"
But I digress... so after the pat down and going through four sets of locked doors like a mouse in a maze I'm walking into the visiting room still trying to decide how and when to start the "official breakup" conversation. We've got six hours before visiting is over and I can get back on the bus. Do I wait until the end so we have a decent visit playing card games? Do I launch in at the beginning and risk a hella-fied long visit? Or do I start somewhere around hour 3?
The small talk lasted not quite an hour. Then he said something like, "Blah, blah, blah... when we have a baby." Ssssccccurrrrrtttt! Dang! Now I gotta say it.
"We're not having a baby."
"What? Why?"
"We're not going to be together."
"Why not?"
"Because we're not compatible."
And so it began. A long - hours long - painful conversation about how we don't work as a couple and there are too many unfulfilled needs on both sides. He wants to know exactly how we're not compatible and when I explain, he backpedals and says he can be / do all those things.
"I can go to church. I don't have to play basketball on Sunday mornings..."
"I can be the spiritual head of the household if that's what you need..."
"I am proud of you and how successful you are..."
"I can get use to your traveling for business..."
I can, I can, I will, I will...
I'm tired. And frankly, I don't buy it. There it is... out in the open. I don't believe him. I don't know why he wants to hang on so tight; why he wants to stay together. When we were together on the outside he didn't act as if he cared that much. I had convinced myself because of the way he acted, the other women, the sometime apathy, the lies, he didn't really love me as much as he said he did. Or the way he said he did. So I was very surprised when he took it so hard.
"Are you mad?" *Me incredulous.*
"Yes!"
"You are?! Are you hurt?" *still incredulous*
"Yes."
"You are?!" *really incredulous*
I know, not my most sensitive moment. But as I sat there and watched his face, my heart broke because his was breaking. So I did the only thing I could without going backwards, I offered friendship (that led to a philosophical discussion about friendships between males and females) and I told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I told him we both deserved someone who would love us the way we deserved to be loved and we didn't need to just settle.
It was hard. It was exhausting. And I almost caved. But I knew in my heart what I need, what I want and what I deserve. I really do hope we can be friends because I think he's a good man, but if not, I wish him well and pray for him much.
Adventurous because for the first time instead of driving an hour and a half to northern Colorado, I took a church shuttle bus. Eighteen people, mostly women and children (3 men, including the driver, served as escorts) on a shuttle bus driving up the highway. I took my iPod and my homework thinking I'd multi-task on the trip but I ended up sleeping most of the way.
Whenever I go to the prison I am always struck at how good and sad it is to be there. I watch women and children, ranging in age from newborn to 10, visiting husband/fiance/boyfriend and daddy. One second I'm thinking, "That's great he gets to see his kids" or "That's good they get to see their daddy" and the next I'm thinking "How sad for your kids to see you in a prison uniform" or "How does that effect you seeing your daddy in a prison uniform?"
But I digress... so after the pat down and going through four sets of locked doors like a mouse in a maze I'm walking into the visiting room still trying to decide how and when to start the "official breakup" conversation. We've got six hours before visiting is over and I can get back on the bus. Do I wait until the end so we have a decent visit playing card games? Do I launch in at the beginning and risk a hella-fied long visit? Or do I start somewhere around hour 3?
The small talk lasted not quite an hour. Then he said something like, "Blah, blah, blah... when we have a baby." Ssssccccurrrrrtttt! Dang! Now I gotta say it.
"We're not having a baby."
"What? Why?"
"We're not going to be together."
"Why not?"
"Because we're not compatible."
And so it began. A long - hours long - painful conversation about how we don't work as a couple and there are too many unfulfilled needs on both sides. He wants to know exactly how we're not compatible and when I explain, he backpedals and says he can be / do all those things.
"I can go to church. I don't have to play basketball on Sunday mornings..."
"I can be the spiritual head of the household if that's what you need..."
"I am proud of you and how successful you are..."
"I can get use to your traveling for business..."
I can, I can, I will, I will...
I'm tired. And frankly, I don't buy it. There it is... out in the open. I don't believe him. I don't know why he wants to hang on so tight; why he wants to stay together. When we were together on the outside he didn't act as if he cared that much. I had convinced myself because of the way he acted, the other women, the sometime apathy, the lies, he didn't really love me as much as he said he did. Or the way he said he did. So I was very surprised when he took it so hard.
"Are you mad?" *Me incredulous.*
"Yes!"
"You are?! Are you hurt?" *still incredulous*
"Yes."
"You are?!" *really incredulous*
I know, not my most sensitive moment. But as I sat there and watched his face, my heart broke because his was breaking. So I did the only thing I could without going backwards, I offered friendship (that led to a philosophical discussion about friendships between males and females) and I told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I told him we both deserved someone who would love us the way we deserved to be loved and we didn't need to just settle.
It was hard. It was exhausting. And I almost caved. But I knew in my heart what I need, what I want and what I deserve. I really do hope we can be friends because I think he's a good man, but if not, I wish him well and pray for him much.
Wow...I probably would've chickened out.
I can't visit prisons anymore two of my uncles are repeat offenders. The last time my uncle Paul got out of jail I told him I would never visit him again if he got locked up. He just recently got locked up for the 100th time. He wants us all(my sisters and my mother which is his sister) to come and visit him before they ship him down state. I'm sticking to what I said. Never again am I going to visit a jail.
Posted by
NameLiar |
8:10 AM, September 30, 2005
Prison sux. Breakups sux.
I am sooooo inarticulate today.
KZ
Posted by
Knockout Zed |
11:32 AM, September 30, 2005