How can I forget?
Mea culpa
Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je suis la et ailleurs
Je n'ai plus rien
Je deviens folle
Je m'abondonne
Mea culpa
- Enigma
Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je suis la et ailleurs
Je n'ai plus rien
Je deviens folle
Je m'abondonne
Mea culpa
- Enigma
Things are not well with my soul. Last night was a hard night. For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I couldn't pray. I couldn't see my way to God. I felt bereft. I felt lost. I felt empty.
I have felt lonely for some time now. I have craved companionship, fellowship with a special man. I desire to be part of a family; wife and mother. I want to be able to listen, talk, share all of me with one person instead of parts of me with different people. I love my friends, family, but even with all their love and support there is still an emptiness that isn't touched.
I want to fully commit myself to a man who is fully committed to me. I want a best friend, lover, confidante, supporter, protector, nurturer who will accept no less from me. I want to be covered while I give shelter from the world. I want my own Warrior King beside me as we do God's will (to the best of our ability). I long for this. If I am truthful, I thought I had found it.
Last night as I talked to him, I was trying to share my fears, my concerns - trying to allow one person to know all of me - when he hit me with a harsh interpretation. He told me I am "so worried about what's coming out of the kitchen that I am starving even with a plate full of food in front of me." In other words, I'm so focused on what is missing from my life, what I yearn for, that I overlook - am not grateful for - the fullness and blessing I do have in my life. That hurt.
It hurt because he said it and to know that is how he sees me - spoiled, ungrateful, selfish - is hard to digest. But more importantly it hurt because I believed it is how God sees me. Suddenly it seemed to make sense why He has denied me; He has given me so much and I still say "I want more, please." I thought I was grateful. I thought I was obedient. I thought I was faithful but suddenly it hit me "What if I'm not?" "What if I'm throwing His blessings back in His face by taking all He has given and asking for more?"
And just like that, I spiralled into an even deeper depression. One I couldn't climb out of. I realized as much as feeling physically and emotionally alone hurt, being spiritually alone was devastating. What if all I'd known, all I'd done, said, prayed had been fake? What if I was a fake? What if I had fooled myself that I am a grateful servant but really I'm not. What if...? I'd thought I'd done well with my mission/ministries and I only needed someone to support me to be able to continue on. But now I was feeling that I'd failed. I had been so focused on my desires, that I'd lost perspective of His will for me.
And I felt that this was my punishment. Being found by a man who fit the "desires of my heart" but not being the desire of his. Being given the opportunity to be a "mother" to a young lady but only for a few months. I was to feel what it was like but not be able to hold onto it. To touch it then have it taken away.
I was told to pray. That I was allowing the enemy to take hold and I needed to pray. I was even told the words to say to get me started. But when I got off the phone, turned out the lights and layed down - I had nothing. I could not concentrate. I could not find the words. I felt so far away from God and I didn't know how to get back. Eventually I fell asleep, my last thoughts of how I was going to force myself to carry on and finish what I'd started.
When I woke this morning, eyes burning, a song was playing in my head...
How can I forget what you've done for me?
How can I forget how you've set me free?
How can I forget how you brought me out?
How can I forget? No, never!
Sometimes it be's like dat.
We always find our way back.
Posted by
The Brown Blogger |
5:58 AM, March 05, 2006
Love this post ma...reading it again:)
Posted by
Didi Roby |
12:23 PM, March 05, 2006
My wife is teaching a sunday school class right now. She is using this book:Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free
Im paraphrasing her, because I don't remember exactly how she put it, but she basically said, and it surprised me to hear her say it, that women are rarely satisfied even when they are highly blessed. She talked about how Adam was fine with life in the garden as is, but Eve wanted more. That she was looking at what could be, and persuaded Adam to do the same. I found the statement disheartening because it made me feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough, that she'll always be searching for more, better, ect. And I'm the type of person to leave well enough alone.
Posted by
Brotha Buck |
8:06 PM, March 11, 2006
Hey....sometimes we all get lost and lose our way a bit.
But you my dear are of the divine. You will find your way back.
There's a song I want you to listen to by Mary Mary. It's called "Still My Child". Let me know once you've listened, k?
Posted by
Teej |
8:02 PM, March 13, 2006