Adult Eyes
At some point, to your surprise, you start to see the adults in your life differently. You no longer look at them from a child's point of view. You start to see Grandma as a woman, Mom as a woman, Uncle so-and-so as a man. And sometimes you are faced with the fact that you don't like them as a person.
While I went through this process years ago with my mom, this summer I was faced with it again on a bigger scale - the whole of my maternal family. It was difficult - seeing the people I most depended on growing up in all their human frailness. I got to glimpse my grandmother's pain - regret and loss coming from her own lips. The woman who raised me having a vulnerable woman's moment. Coulda, shoulda, woulda...
And the lashing out. "If I can tear you down, then I look better. Then we're not so far apart. Then your life isn't so great and mine isn't so horrible." Why? Why must we be in perpetual competition? Why must it be about who's thinner, lighter, has longer hair? Why must it be about how big is your house, how new is your car, how big are your diamonds, is your designer purse authentic?
So what do you do with this new found information? What do you do when you realize the people you looked to for support and unconditional love, the ones who shaped who you are - your strengths, weaknesses, triumphs, fears - aren't so nice? What do you do when you feel attacked and scrutinized by some of the very sources you look to for strength? What do you do when your feeling of joy and blessedness is trying to be stolen by people you love?
What do you do when you see through adult eyes and you don't like what you see?
While I went through this process years ago with my mom, this summer I was faced with it again on a bigger scale - the whole of my maternal family. It was difficult - seeing the people I most depended on growing up in all their human frailness. I got to glimpse my grandmother's pain - regret and loss coming from her own lips. The woman who raised me having a vulnerable woman's moment. Coulda, shoulda, woulda...
And the lashing out. "If I can tear you down, then I look better. Then we're not so far apart. Then your life isn't so great and mine isn't so horrible." Why? Why must we be in perpetual competition? Why must it be about who's thinner, lighter, has longer hair? Why must it be about how big is your house, how new is your car, how big are your diamonds, is your designer purse authentic?
So what do you do with this new found information? What do you do when you realize the people you looked to for support and unconditional love, the ones who shaped who you are - your strengths, weaknesses, triumphs, fears - aren't so nice? What do you do when you feel attacked and scrutinized by some of the very sources you look to for strength? What do you do when your feeling of joy and blessedness is trying to be stolen by people you love?
What do you do when you see through adult eyes and you don't like what you see?
