Divas Command

Commander Log - Stardate 61981.4: Neophyte

2008-07-07T11:37:00.004-06:00

So hard, so hard

So hard to be a Delta
It's so hard, so hard
To be a Delta,
So hard, so hard
To be a D-S-T
I'm tellin' ya honey!
- Delta Chant

On April 26, 2008 Twenty Timeless Shades of Essence crossed into Delta sisterhood! A few of us are pictured above. (That's me, third from the left.)

The pledge period was an amazing, educational and exhausting experience. Oh, but how I am enjoying the sisterhood! To be linked to so many powerful, spiritual, and positive Black women is awe-inspiring. The feelings of love and support are overwhelming sometimes but very welcome. As a Neophyte I have a lot to learn, but I am excited to spend the rest of my life doing it.

Commander Log - Stardate 61635.1: Girl Status

2008-03-02T22:22:00.005-07:00

Life is precious baby, love is so rare
I could take the breakup if U say that U care
He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong
It started raining, baby, the birds were gone, oh
- Prince

I try to live a life of reflection; paying attention to what is happening / has happened so I can learn from my (and others) mistakes. February 2008 has been a month I will remember. I found out, toward the end of last month, that I - am - a - girl.

Now I know you are saying to yourself, "She just found that out?" See, I have for many years thought of myself as a Woman - a Queen even. Not a girl. But over the last two weeks I have come to realize I've got some girl tendencies. A woman, while she likes compliments does not need them. She is confident in who she is, how she looks and how she carries herself. Well, the carries herself is the Queen coming out. Anyway... women do not dress to get the attention of men - they wear clothes that make them look and feel wonderful. Their clothes fit, no matter what size they need to purchase, and are comfortable as well as attractive. Women wear shoes that are BAD but they must also not hurt because every woman knows, painful ain't cute. (If the shoes hurt too much it doesn't matter how fierce they are, I can't walk in 'em and they aren't worth anything sitting in my closet.)

I have prided myself on being a woman. Not to be confused, I do want and need a man in my life - MY man. No correction - MY husband, but until he arrives I can do on my own. If a man compliments me in public I smile and say "thank you" as I continue on. I do not look for compliments. I do not go out to the grocery store, gym, mall, church or comedy club looking to be complimented and dressing to get attention. I just do me.

I have effectively convinced myself I am not one of those silly girls who is fishing for or craving the attention of men. However, on my recent trip home I found myself in straight girl mode. I mean blushing, smiling, giggling, and flirting FULL GIRL MODE. I even still blush now when I think about the encounter.

First before I go into detail about the encounter let me say that whenever I go home I get way more attention from men than I do in my current habitat. Thank God for southern men who like their women with some meat on them! If it's summer when I hit St. Louis, then I know I'm going to get compliments on my thick, smooth legs. If it's winter then men are going to comment on my high heeled boots and nicely filled out jeans. So I am braced - for lack of a better word - when I go home. (It also probably helps that I smile a lot when I'm home.)

So this trip home was no different. I actually started getting looks of interest in the Denver airport, but when I got off the plane in St. Louis from baggage claim to the hotel front desk, a sista was feeling appreciated. Then I met - him. More accurately I became reacquainted with him again. Him is my very first boyfriend - Michael.

Michael and I dated when we didn't even know what dating was. I was 12 and he was 14. We had known each other for about a year prior to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. (I had dated his friend and he dated my friend.) Those were the days of riding your bike to each other's house and sitting on the porch talking for hours in groups of no less than 4 and up to 10. Or your parents would offer to take you and your friends to the amusement park, or some tourist park, or each other's little league games, or the skating rink because "Isn't it cute? They like boys/girls now." That's when Michael and I dated. And we were in love. Awwww...

Needless to say we broke up. I don't remember why but he has a vivid recollection of where, when, why and how. I went on to high school and so did he. I left for college; he stayed in St. Louis and went to school. I never saw him again until two weeks ago.

Michael has intermittently stayed in contact with my uncles. At one time he even worked with my oldest uncle, so he was able to get an update on me. This time when I was home he asked a female friend of my youngest uncle to see if it were okay for her to give him my number. (How cute is that?! See I'm blushing again.) He called me that Saturday night and left a message. On Sunday morning he called back and we talked for over an hour. During the conversation he informed me when, how, why, and where we broke up, how he took it, and how he still hasn't gotten over me. A story that we both laughed at so hard we cried! Then he agreed to meet me at the nursing home so he could see me and my grandmother who he had not seen in over 25 years. (25 years! Oh, gawd - we're that old?!) Yeah, I told him not to say that again - the 25 years part.

We met a few hours later at my grandmother's nursing home. When he arrived he called me and I walked to the lobby to meet him. I have never seen any grown man's face, not related to me by blood, light up the way his did when he saw me for the first time in so many years. And by the way I'm smiling as I write this, I'm pretty sure my face reflected the same light. (As I walked around the corner I remember hearing the receptionist asking him who was he waiting on and then saying "Oh, you're meeting this pretty lady" as I got caught up in his arms.)

We went into the common room where he spoke with my grandmother and I reminded her who he was. We spent three hours talking and catching up. The whole three hours were peppered with his saying how beautiful I am, how I look the same, smile the same, laugh the same, walk the same. At one point he even called a friend who had been around when we dated to tell him he "was sitting next to Tonee. *pause* She looks good. She's wearing four inch heels and what's a woman who isn't wearing heels". The whole time he was looking at me and smiling this bright, boyish smile. (Michael gave me the phone and I talked to Richard for a few minutes also.)

When my grandmother went to listen to the minister who had come to provide a sermon for the residents, Michael and I went to the other side of the room to talk. He asked about my boyfriend and when I told him I was single he was speechless. We spent the time smiling at each other like giddy teenagers. Michael spoke about how devoted he was to me and how I should be the mother of his children. There was a couple sitting across from us. The wife is a resident and her husband comes to visit her. He was feeding her and sitting next to her with his arm around her. Michael was captivated by them. He kept saying "Tonee that's going to be us. We'll be 80 and I'll still be calling you 'baby'. Feeding you and holding you close." Eventually he had to go so we said goodbye and planned to see each other the next day.

While we did speak briefly later that night, we did not see each other the next day. So I left St. Louis without seeing or speaking to him again. He had said before we saw each other that he needed to see me so he could "get this out of my system." I responded "What if it doesn't work?" I don't think it worked. He didn't have an answer then. And I don't think he has an answer now. And I'm still blushing - like a girl.

Commander Log - Stardate 61589.7: Vacation

2008-02-15T15:15:00.005-07:00

Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack
I don't care if we never get back
- Jack Norworth

I am currently sitting in the lobby of the Hilton at the Ballpark in downtown St. Louis. I decided to take two days off and go on an extended weekend visit home for the President's Day weekend. I sooooo needed the vacation. And right now I'm sitting in the lobby watching lots of people checking in and meeting up, while I wait for my room to be cleaned. See I slept in today so housekeeping couldn't get in until I finally left for lunch around 2pm. Now I'm just waiting to get back into my room and making use of the free WiFi from the Starbucks in the lobby.

There appears to be some kind of convention or competition going on here. There are large groups (10 or more) of white kids meeting up. One little girl is sitting 10 feet away from me playing a... what do you call those things with the keys and bellows... accordian! Another little girl is next to her playing the flute and another the violin. I've seen costumes with large, full skirts and beading and sequins so it seems to be some kind of Irish / riverdance / jig-a-ma-bob convention. Oh, wait now all 10 of them have pulled out instruments and are playing (and it ain't even the same song!) What I can't believe is how the parents of the children are allowing them to pull out their instruments and proceed to practice in a full lobby where people, like myself, are working on their laptops.

Next to that group seems to be a young, Black band. I only know they're a band because one brother, with some serious locs down to his butt, is holding a keyboard. His band mate is wearing a lime green polo, collar up, matching satin/silk tie, and requisite stunner shades. There are a few young ladies with them who I estimate to be the vocalists.

Anyway, I am enjoying the much needed rest. Unlike when I usually come home, this time I rented a vehicle and booked a hotel room because I just wanted to be able to relax and have some me time. My family thinks it's because I'm "big ballin" now but I got a really good deal - I used frequent flyer miles for my plane ticket and booked the hotel and car online using priceline.com. It was my first time and your girl scored! I got a car for $15 a day and a room for $45 a night. When I checked into the room I saw on the door placard that the room's normal rate is $299 a night. Say what?!

I needed this weekend to just rejuvenate myself. I am in my second semester of seminary, the second half of my first year as an Assistant Principal, and my roommate and I are not getting along to say the least. That's a whole-nother post but in case I never feel like writing about it, suffice it to say he is moving out by the 29th and I can't wait. So this is my big woo-saa (is that how you spell it?) moment before I jump in and finish the rest of the school year. I'm using this time to recharge my battery, catch up on some homework, and get a jump on some things that are looming on the horizon.

Commander Log - Stardate 61480.1

2008-01-06T19:26:00.001-07:00

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets
- Joan Osbourne

Today started a new era in my church's history. The ninth pastor took over his duties and preached both services. (Technically he is still pastor-elect.) Now normally I don't stay for both services and I don't sing in the choir, but today I did both because I was so excited about having him here.

Exactly two years ago, the eighth pastor announced his retirement at the end of 2006. He had been pastor for twenty-eight years. We held a huge retirement celebration for him that culminated in January of 2007. Around October 2006, we began the arduous task of looking for a new pastor. Many people, myself included, complained that the leadership waited too long to start the process as we would be without a pastor for a time. And sure enough, it took us over fourteen months to complete the process and fill the position.

During the fourteen plus months my good friend and assistant to the prior pastor served as the senior clergy in charge (the chairman of the deacon board was the top person in charge), and although she did an excellent job as usual, many people were distressed that we did not have an actual pastor. Personally, I wasn't all that concerned.

Not until recently did I figure out why I wasn't concerned. As great as the pastor emeritus was, he wasn't MY pastor. I didn't feel like I could go to him personally for spiritual counseling, I didn't feel like he addressed my spiritual needs, and I didn't feel like he was particularly interested in me as an individual. Under him the youth and young adult ministries dried up and practically died (actually there was never a young adult ministry). So in reality I had been without a pastor for over nine years, not just one. I came to this realization this past fall during my first semester in seminary. I had to take a class in spiritual formation and it really opened my eyes to what has been missing since I first joined my church.

Now with the new pastor I am excited that things will change. As we went through the interview process he has repeatedly made it clear that his first priority is pastoral care; he wants to know us and become part of our families. He has a passion for youth and young adult ministry, and he is all about spiritual formation (the purposeful continued development of individuals' relationship with and understanding of God). I am excited for this next stage in my church's life; but even more than that I am even more pumped for what God is about to reveal in my life.

Commander Log - Stardate 61466

2008-01-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Now I see the importance of history
Why people be in the mess that they be
Many journeys to freedom made in vain
By brothers on the corner playin' ghetto games
I ask you Lord why you enlightened me
Without the enlightment of all my folks
He said cuz I set myself on a quest for truth
And He was there to quench my thirst
But I am still thirsty...
- Arrested Development

Welcome to 2008!

Hello. Allow me to reintroduce myself - I am the commander of this station. I have been gone quite awhile on a new assignment. Well, actually two new assignments... or is it three? Suffice it to say I've been busy. Deep undercover busy. and my field logs have gotten way backlogged.

I thought the purpose of doing command reports was to inform the review committee of my exploits. So when things got hectic I thought, well, the committee isn't really paying attention and it would be one less thing on my to do list. But now I realize that not doing my log subjects me to major stress from holding in all my thoughts. And as Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow can attest, additional stress while undercover can make an agent (or commander such as myself) volatile.

So the commander is back and I will be submitting back logs of my missions for committee review. I look forward to reading any and all addenda.

Happy New year! May the grace of God cover you and blessings abound for you in the new year!

I'm Back!

2007-07-27T22:11:00.000-06:00

Talking to you, it's your son Father

I can't believe all the things

We have done to each other

The problem I find

In all my years the danger is high

Though your love is near

So what can be done to heal each other

I hold my head up high to ease the pain

But quite frankly lord

I don't know how much more this world can take

Yes we truly need more love for each other

Lord it's me, it's your son

Trying to take a stand for peace

Like your other one

Send us your love

Cause we need each other

Mmmmm

We need, we truly need each other

-Kem

Okay for real... it's August?! The last time I blogged was... oh my, January. Why is time speeding up?

The latest: I just got back from Las Vegas. It was my second vacation this month. I went with my sista-friend, her son and his basketball team for a tournament (The Main Event). We were there for six days. Too many days, too many teenagers, too many personalities (adult), too many smokers. However, it was a fun trip most of the time. The team didn't do as well as we'd like but it was fun hanging out with twelve 15 year old boys. (Who can understand what goes on in their heads?!) And my nephew is now known for having not only a cool mom but a cool aunt too!

Two weeks prior to that I was in St. Louis visiting the family. That was the relaxing vacation. Sleeping in and doing whatever I felt like. I even learned a new workout that I want to continue - boxing! My youngest uncle took me to the YMCA with him to workout (he's been my sports trainer all of my life so hanging at the gym/court/field is what we do). He does a boxing class 2-3 times a week, then hits the steam room and jacuzzi. Two and a half / three hours at the gym - I'm in heaven!

When I agreed to go with him I thought it was like a kickboxing aerobic class. But when we got there I found out it was a "wrap your hands and put on the gloves" boxing class. We weren't in a ring but we did three minute rounds with a trainer using punch mitts. I had to throw punches according to where and how he held his hands. I had to throw jabs, hooks, uppercuts, power punches and combinations. All while chasing, retreating and/or being leaned on. I have a new respect for fighters. It was a workout! And I wasn't even getting hit back! Now I'm looking for the same kind of class here. I have to get the right equipment though because I hurt my left hand punching without being wrapped under the gloves (I had to use the Y's equipment and there were no hand wraps).

I also got to spend a lot of time with my little brother. It turns out he lives half a block down from my uncle (who I stayed with this time). We sat and talked, went to breakfast and even met our father for lunch one day. (My dad was very happy to see us together.) He's planning to visit me when his season is over. One thing that did surprise me, he's intent on my having a baby! I mean he mentions it almost every hour!

So here it is... my summer is over. I actually return to work Monday. Earlier than normal because this year I'm not teaching. I will be the assistant principal! New responsibilities, new headaches, new adventures. Oh and I'm also starting seminary in August. I'm going to have a lot to say.

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow

2007-01-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
It's time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off
Like a South African beauty
Or get it on lock
Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight
Like Oprah Winfrey
If it's not what's on your head
And it's what's underneath then say HEY....
- India Aire

Friday night I went to a poetry set because a friend (Phoenix - her stage name) had asked me to come and support her reading as a guest poet. I've been to this poetry venue (The Speakout) before because another good friend and ex-colleague (Say Yo - her stage name) is part of the troupe that puts it on. But anyway I did go specifically to be a comforting face in the crowd as my friend did her piece about her natural hair journey. And it was powerful.

Now you may or may not have noticed that the hairstyle on my avatar has changed in the last few months. About a year ago I started seriously contemplating loc'n my hair. So I stopped going to the beauty salon for relaxers and got my hair braided. I wore braided extensions for over a year, then in August tried to start locs by braiding my own hair. I went to an African-born loctician/braider and she said I could start locs without cutting the relaxed part of my hair. She just braided it and told me not to wash it for as long as I can stand it to allow the hair to loc. Yeah, that didn't work.

In September Say Yo introduced me to Phoenix at a poetry set because she knew I had decided to loc. At the time I took Phoenix's contact info because I knew he was moving out here and he would need a loctician. In October I set up an appointment for him and decided to get a consult myself. Phoenix did some test locs and we set an appointment for two weeks later for her to do my whole head.

So for a little over two months now I've had starter locs. She cut my hair, which was fine with me, and I've got little spikes. Except my spikes haven't stayed spikey as long as I'd like. My hair is growing fast (it's always grown fast) and my little spikes are starting to lay down. But I love it! Unfortunately I haven't taken any pictures yet (Phoenix and her husband take pictures each time I go for a retightening) so I can't post them. But I will take some soon because I realize I want to document each stage and look.

As excited as I am about my hair, I was not prepared for the reactions and presumptions that come along with it. When I made the decision to loc it I wasn't making any political statement. I like my hair. I liked my hair. I liked my hair straight. I liked my hair curly (yes, I did the "jheri curl" thang...). I liked my hair braided. My hair is thick. It grows fast. It has an unusual color that you'd have to mix 4-5 different bottles together to get. It's dark brown, light brown, red, blond, and (now) grey all at the same time depending on which section/strand you're looking at. I liked it up. I liked it medium. I liked it bobbed. I liked it long. I liked it with a ponytail piece. I liked it short. I liked it asymmetrical (all hail the Prince!)

But mostly I like it low maintenance. I found myself returning at least once a year to braids. Braids I didn't have to curl in the morning. Braids I could wash and go. Braids I could wear up, down. Braids I could swim in, hoop in, lift weights in, go to work in, go to church in, travel in and out of the country in. And then I met two women who had locs and guess what?! They looked like braids! At least in their width, length and versatility. And more importantly they didn't spend 10 hours getting them done every 4-5 months and 15 hours taking them out (to get them redone). That's how I made my decision. I wasn't saying relaxers, weaves, wigs, ponytails were bad. I'm just saying I don't want to do them anymore.

But there are a lot of people who put their agendas on others. And I've apparently switched sides. My best sista-friend hates it. She calls 'em naps (on me and everyone else) as an insult. She can't understand why someone whose hair is beautiful straight would not want to straighten it. (Uh... cuz I don't wanna.) From my biological family in St. Louis only my uncle has seen it. His comment was "You doing something different with your hair again." (But that's him; if I'm happy, he's ecstatic.) The first day I returned to work one of the older ladies, one of the secretaries, asked me "Why you got those pickaninny curls in yo head?" (Just smile T, she old). My students don't say anything except the occassional question of "You got twists, Ms.?" (No, I'm loc'n my hair.) People at church say my face looks better, "You can see more of your face, babee. You sure are pretty." (What you thought I was ugly before?!) Strangers smile at me and walk over to make complements, "I just had to come say something to such a beautiful, Black woman!" (Uh... ok...)

People do look at me differently. I got a standing ovation at the poetry set from the poet group because Say Yo reminded them I had kicked it with them one weekend and now I'm loc'd and free! Wow! I did not know it was that serious. I understand and empathize that some people choose locs because of a stronger sense of ancestry and beliefs. (Quiet as it's kept, when I wore braids in the corporate world, a part of me was saying "You have to accept it because I'm that good. And in case you forgot, I dont' know how you could, but I'm Black Woman.") And I think my biggest challenge will be facing my southern, color-struck family when I go home this summer (and when my mom comes to visit this spring), but overall it's just my hair. I'm still me. I still eat meat. I still curse when I get too upset to censor myself. I still get my (acrylic) nails done. I still have bourgeoisie tendencies (as well as hood-rat). I am not my hair.

But I love my hair. And I acknowledge that loc'n it has made me realize just that... I am not my hair. But MY hair is beautiful.

To see Phoenix's piece click here.

My Savior

2007-01-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I will bless the Lord
Oh, my soul
And all that is within me
Bless His Holy Name
- Tye Tribbett

I had to share this! I'm sure many have seen it but I just had to share it. To God be the Glory!

Catching My Breath - Part IV

2006-12-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Let it snow, let it snow
Hey, it's another Christmas holiday
It's a joyous thing let the angels sing
Cause were together
We got a thing can't let it slip away
No, outside it's raining sleet
When our bodies meet
I don't care about the weather
- Boys II Men

What?! It's Christmas already?! What the...? What happened? It's August. School just started. I just closed on my townhouse. I blinked! Maybe took a nap! It is not Christmas already.

But the calendar says it is December 21st. I'm singing with the Colorado Symphony this weekend for our annual performance of Too Hot To Handel (I have a CD on iTunes!). I need to finish my students' grades for the semester. I have a Christmas tree in my living room and there are wrapped presents underneath it. So I guess it's true - it's Christmas. Where did the last third of the year go?

Well, when we last updated the command I was playing "catch up" with my blog. Let's start there... home. I closed on my first ever townhouse in August. After much frustration with the mortgage company it was done, no money down and at a nice price. I spent the second half of August and all of September moving in. (My apartment lease wasn't up until the end of September so I took my time.) And even though I moved into a two-story three-bedroom, two and half bath from a two-bedroom, two bath apartment I still have too much dang stuff! Well, too much stuff to store away.

Remember how I was sad that I'd be moving in alone when I'd been planning for my daughter and him but I was excited about running around NEKKID in my new place alone? Well, I haven't been able to run around NEKKID because I'm not alone. My daughter is living on campus downtown but in a strange turn of God's plan, he is here living with me. It's not in the romantic way I'd envisioned (see the update on my romantic life) but he's here. Living in my second bedroom.

Ya know... you really don't know someone until you live with them. I still don't think I'll live with my significant other before we're married but this experience has weighed the scales more evenly I'll admit. I won't go into particulars but it's been an interesting experience. I have learned and anticpate learning a lot more about myself before it's over. I think that's why He's taking me through this - preparation for something forthcoming.

My daughter is having a rough first college semester. We all know freshman year - especially first semester - is hard under normal circumstances. The unbridled freedom, being 4 chapters behind on the first day of class, etc. Now add to that coming out of an abusive, controlling household, being depressed, having unresolved issues from said household, being subpoened by the prosecutor for your biological father's asssault case (where you were the victim), hooking up with a 25 year old, single father who has the same traits as your abusive, controlling father, becoming a binge drinker and refusing to admit you have some problems.

Yeah, not a good start. So now the promising freshman is looking to repeating all of her first semester classes next semester and going over the summer so she's back on track at the beginning of her sophomore year. She will be staying here for a second year before trying to transfer to Howard. And after a half-hearted suicide attempt, she's finally in counseling. Oh, and the 25 year old boyfriend is gone. He's lucky her people are reformed hoodrats, reborn Christians or I swear he was gonna wake up dead in an alley for messing with my child. Yeah, my mother instincts kicked in hard.

So that's the Reader's Digest version of my past three months. I'm sitting at home, on Christmas vacation two days early because of the blizzard we received and taking a deep breath. I'm looking forward to finishing this school year and moving to the next level. Which I will fill you in on in the next entry. That is if you're still reading...

Merry Christmas - and remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. God's peace, blessings and love to you and yours.

Guest Appearance VI

2006-08-24T20:35:00.000-06:00

How could it be
That you know me
My deepest fears
My fantasies
Confide in you
What no one knows
But it feels so good

- Janet

Okay, so I lied. I'm sorry Zed. Please forgive me. I said I was back; meaning I'd be back to blogging regularly. Well, life comes at you and you just... well, you just survive. I have been so busy with getting my daughter off to college, buying a new house, moving into said house, starting the new school year at work, counseling him and sleeping (for short bursts of time).
But today I was catching up on the 500+ emails in my yahoo account and I came across this piece written by an online colleague. I think I may have posted his work before but this just touched me on so many levels I had to share it. I hope you enjoy it, too. I'd love to have a dialogue about it and hear your thoughts.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sweet.

3:00am
Dear U,

How are you doing? Hope that everything is well with you. I really don't know why we start letters off like this. But I've been doing it since the 4th grade so I guess I'll continue.

Well, I guess I will start this letter off with a question. Have you ever reached a point in time, when time didn't even matter? When you just wanted to hold time and control time and let time slip away into the future? But there is always an unexpected interruption of time; when decisions have to be made and feelings have to be shared.

There is always that point where you contemplate the seriousness of a matter. And the fact of the matter is, facts don't matter when you are really, really, really feeling someone.

You know that facts are what make up my being and it's a fact that who I am, is just who I am. And how I used to be, is and always will be buried underneath all that I have become. And I am kind of proud of what I have become, because becoming what I have become doesn't come easy and that's becoming a man.

Now don't get me wrong. Done some things, said some things, went through some things, that I really wasn't proud of. But I still wouldn't trade them in for the world because what you see standing before you now is nothing short of a miracle. And this here, this is more than just lyrical logistics and spiritual commitments towards the greater good. This here... this is me.

I mean, I can play silly relationship games with the best of them. I can act like you really don't mean anything to me. But as soon as you get off the phone with me, I start to feel lonely and incomplete. Feeling an emptiness right here because the phone is not near my ear and I can't act like I don't care because I do.

I can act like who I really am, is not who I really am, play the role like some others do, get what I want from you and then be like "Oh, by the way..." and proceed to fill your ears with things about me that might seem to be a little shocking.

Hold on someone is knocking. Who is it?

Oh, that's just my conscience. Kind of reluctant to let him in though because I know what he's going to say. He is going to say "Man, the day you chose to reveal your heart was the start of the completion of a love song." A love song with a long, long, 16 bars. So long that 2:00 am has slipped passed me like a thief on a mission. So long that sleep invades your privacy and you softly say to me, "Reggie I am sleepy." And I let you go to sleep but I don't let you go because there is still something about the whisper in your voice when you said it. Now that's deep, the surprise in your eyes when you learned what you learned about me and now I am concerned about me because I just don't know, and no one enjoys not knowing.

I don't know whether or not you are going to say the same things you said yesterday. I don't know if you are going to feel the same way that you felt yesterday. Hell I don't even know if you want to forget about yesterday and move on to today to a better place, a place with out me being there. And I can't say that I don't care but I gotta be aware. It's not what I think, it's about how you feel and that's real.

So now I end the way that I started, with a question, what's next? And I have no regrets and I may never forget, but this is life. And life plus mama equals me being a man. So I gotta be a man about this situation, can't take back certain conversations. Don't think you ever thought that you would have to add this into the equation and for that I am sorry.

And I am writing you this letter to let you know that I understand where you stand even if you decide to stand far, far away. Oh, and just so you know, apologies are not needed, and explanations are not considered necessary.

So take this letter and digest this letter, dissect this letter, relive this letter and when I feel like I can be a tad bit better than what I am now, then I'll look you up. And when I do, I'll hope that you will be doing well. But no matter how well you be, you would have always been better if you would have only decided to be with me.

Thanks for your time
Yours truly,

PoeticMindz……….

Another Wedding

2006-08-01T20:10:00.000-06:00

You can find me

In St. Louie

Where the gun play

Rain all day

Some got jobs

And some sell yay

Others just smoke and fuck

All day

- Nelly

Yep, that's right... I just got back from another wedding. This one was in St. Louis and it was my Dad's. I took my daughter home to meet the family for the first time and to stand up with my Dad.

I'm glad I went because we were the only ones there from his side of the family. His sister didn't show. His neice had to work and her husband didn't show (although he was supposed to). My brother couldn't come because he had a football game. (He plays semi-pro and gets paid. So no show, no pay check AND a hefty fine from the league.)

We arrived the day after a bad storm rolled through and knocked out an estimated 60-90% of the city's power. Almost everyone was without electricity in the 100+ heat index; even my grandmother's nursing home. (The bride's dad hooked up a generator at the church to run the sound system and a couple of fans. Light was provided by God through the windows.) Blessedly we had booked and paid for a hotel room and the hotel had power. When we checked in the receptionist told us there were no rooms within a 150 miles. And get this, the day after we arrived another storm passed through! Those people who had power, or whose power had been restored, lost it in that storm. Plus it stopped crews from working.

Because of the power outtage we did not get to see/meet all of my relatives on both sides. Everyone was scattered trying to find shelter. When we left five days later everyone on my mom's side had power back except my grandmother's nursing home. Imagine that!

But all in all we had a good time. I took my daughter to see most of the tourist attractions and she got to meet a good part of the family. She's even planning to return for Thanksgiving (I'm not going because it's only a weekend off for me). Everyone loved her and she loves them. On the drive back (yes.. .12 hours of driving) she commented how her biological father would always tell her if she left his house, she'd be alone. But now she realizes she has mucha familia. (My dad married into a big family and they all invited us back as well as say they plan to visit Denver.)

P.S. I tried to upload photos but Blogger didn't want to cooperate. I'll try again later.

Inspirational Moment

2006-07-27T11:26:00.000-06:00

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountain story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writer’s thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don’t recognize my presence
I am here
And if you don’t recognize me
I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am a rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thoughtful thinking
I am love un-shattered
I am the great orgasm
And even if you don’t recognize me
I ‘m still here
And even if you don’t recognize me
I am still here
Even if you don't recognize me

I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

- Jill Scott

I Am A Kept Woman

You see there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, but GOD kept me sane.
(Isaiah 26:3)

There were times when I thought I could go no longer, but the LORD kept me moving.
(Genesis 28:15)

At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, but the LORD kept my mouth shut.
(Psalm 13)

Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, but GOD has helped me to keep the lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid,etc…
(Matthew 6:25-34)

When I thought I would fall, HE kept me up. When I thought I was weak, HE kept me strong!
(I Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30)
I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you hear me! Praise the Lord and pass the filet mignon! I'm blessed to be "KEPT."

Catching My Breath - Part III

2006-07-27T10:35:00.000-06:00

Baby, baby
Baby don't leave me
Ooh, please don't leave me
All by myself

I've got this burning, burning
Yearning feelin' inside me
Ooh, deep inside me
And it hurts so bad
- The Supremes

This post is about my romantic life... (Don't blink, you might miss it.)

I told you not to blink!

Catching My Breath - Part II

2006-07-14T14:47:00.000-06:00

To watch you fly away

like doves do

and crush me

i need you

this air i breathe

like the trees and leaves

we go together like hand in glove

so don't pretend

that love ain't closing in

that i don't recognize

that you don't realize

that we're drawn to (drawn to) one another

friends or lovers

[guy] gotta choose right now

-Raheem DeVaughn

Continuing with home...

I am a new, first time home owner! Well, I'm about to be. I just signed my mortgage papers on a new townhouse. It's currently being built and my walk through date is the 7th; closing is the 14th.

I decided when I was having my taxes done for last year, that I would buy a home this year. As my tax accountant said, "Gurl, you either need to have a baby or buy a house. The government is LOVIN' you!" And she's right. Uncle Sam is/has been loving me. I'm single, no kids, no house, therefore no tax write-offs. Yeah, he's been licking his chops over my tax bill for awhile. And I could just kick myself for not doing this sooner.

See when I first graduated from college a friend told me to buy a house then. At that time housing was cheap in Denver. I could have purchased a brick, Victorian, turn of the century goldmine in a downtown, historically Black neighborhood for about what I'm paying for my townhouse in suburbia. But no, I was hard-headed. I wasn't planning to stay here more than a couple of years before going to film school in NYC or LA. I didn't want the hassle of trying to sell and I didn't want to be a landlord renting a property 50-11 miles away. Yeah, kicking myself right about now.

But even though it's in suburbia (I'm am so NOT a suburban girl - I need urban activity read "hood") and it's not a brick, Victorian I am excited about my new home. It's mine! No one will have lived there before me! All mine! Just me! And - here's the best part - I get to decorate it. Paint, window treatments, furniture, closet and pantry organizers (it's a fetish - just go with it), linens... etc.

I am a little sad that I will be alone in it. My daughter will be living on campus and he and I are no longer a possibility. When I was looking at places, I looked at things big enough for all three of us. But, guess what? I get to run around naked, NEKKID!, in my new home!! In about a month, that is...

Commercial Break

2006-07-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

I want somebody who cares

For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
- Depeche Mode

Okay this is a break from my "catch you up blogs" to share the adventures of my recent vacation. I just got back from five days in Jamaica y'all! It was amazing and fun. I went with friends for a wedding. Actually it was a renewal of vows since the couple actually made it legal back in November before moving into their newly built house. (Gon' girl for sticking to your ideals!)

I was the maid of honor. And I tell you that's the way to do a wedding. The bride called and made the reservations with the resort. When we got there we met with the coordinator all of 10 minutes in her office, then she showed us the two possible sites, we picked one and were told to show up 5 minutes before the scheduled time. What?! That's all I gotta do? Tell you what type of bouquet I want, pick a spot and show up 5 minutes prior? Oh, hecks yeah! That's my kinda wedding!

So the rest of the time we spent relaxing, partying, laughing and basking in the island sun and hospitality. Oh and looking at the sights. Man, were there some sights! Did I mention we stayed at Hedonism II?

The happy couple

The wedding party

Ladies' Toast!

Ooo, look what I found! Can I keep him?!

Oh, and this one too!

Hey, I found another one!

Must be my lucky day cuz here's another one!

Anywho... check this link to see more photos of our adventure. I'm still adding so the album will grow.

Catching My Breath - Part I

2006-07-08T01:10:00.000-06:00

God's gonna heal you everywhere you hurt
you've done all you can so just watch Him work
His wonders
see this one that is mystical sweetness
folks stick around as we watch Him
complete this thing He has done in you and in me
cast your cares upon the sea of tranquility
which by the way you know He would never let you drown in
so why do we die on the beach
when
love abounds in ways untold
people watch their dreams unfold
every day in the blink of an eye
slight of hand
trust me y'all when i say God is the man
He can
and most definitely will
rest your soul
truth be told
let Him have control
see His eye is always on you
and still He keeps the sparrow
even though life isn't easy
- Kem

Whew! What it do people?! Yeah, yeah, yeah it's been a minute. I hope y'all are still watching. A sista had mad upheaval going on and could barely breathe let alone write it all down. I tried - honest I did! But it just kept coming. The good, the bad, the indifferent. So let's see if we can play catch up and sort some of this out.

If I had to compartmentalize my life I'd break it into four parts. Home, church, work and romance. See some would say God, family, work and "you fill in the blank" but for me the first two are intertwined throughout my life (especially the first) so when I look at my world it's kinda in the former categories. Let's start with home...

Back in February God blessed my with a daughter. It was unconventional but, hey, that's my God - He does it like that sometimes. Since then things have been up and down. At that time her parents signed a voluntary consent to let her stay with me. She lived with me until 23 days before her 18th birthday.

In late March she had corrective eye surgery. It had already been planned prior to the the incident so we (she, her parents and I) continued on with it. I took her to the hospital and her mother was supposed to meet us there and go with her to prep for surgery. Well, her mother was late. (We later found out it was because the father demanded she go to the store, buy specific food and make him breakfast before she could go to the hospital.) So I signed her in, helped her get ready, and did the pre-surgery meeting with the medical staff. Moments before they wheeled her back, her mother showed up. At that point I left to go to work and told her I'd be back when she was done to take her home. She was nervous about my leaving but I reassured her I'd be back and left her in her mother's care. (Prior to the surgery her mother had asked her to come home to recouperate afterward but she didn't want to be in the house again at all, let alone blind and helpless. She was terrified the hospital would make her go home with her parents.)

I returned before she was out of surgery but I waited in the waiting room. When she began regaining conscienciousness she freaked out because she heard her father's voice and started calling for me. This upset her mother because she wasn't calling for her. Her mother came out to get me and was hysterical about it. I had to go and calm my daughter down and then try to reassure the mother she didn't hate her. The mother kept saying "I'm her mother. Why is she calling for you?" (A hard thing to do but I said it anyway.) Eventually we left the hospital and I took her home.

I relate all this so you understand what happened that weekend. So we're home Saturday night, two days after her eye surgery. She's laying in her room, eyes covered, in the dark, listening to the TV. I'm in my room doing some work on the computer and talking on the phone. when I get a call from downstairs saying it's the police and he'd like to come up. I buzz him in. Yep you guessed it - her parents brought the police to my house to collect her! What the hell!?

They must have told the cop some outrageous story because he walks into my place, hand on his gun looking around like he expected a wild party of gang bangers smoking and drinking while watching women dance on poles or something. What he found was a quiet, darkened front of the apartment and us in pajamas. So anyway, he says the parents have revoked their permission for her to stay and she needs to go home. He asks where she is and I take him to her room.

She comes into the living room to face her parents shaking. When the officer tells her she has to get her things and go home with them, she becomes hysterical. She's crying and can't see (remember eye surgery), pleading with him and them to let her stay. Then she starts pleading with the officer to take her to social services just don't make her go home with them. She even asks why they are making her go when she's only got 23 days until she's 18. To this the mother says, "You're right and for the next 23 days I will be your mother."

I'm thinking... "Ooooohhhhh, so that's your ish. You mad cuz she called for another woman when she was in pain and confused and you wanna prove you're her mother?" "Well, dayum why haven't you been her 'mother' for the past 17+ years when she was getting her ass beat by yo husband?" "Why you haven't been the 'mother' and gotten all three of your kids away from a controlling, egomanical, abusive, lazy, good-for-nothing man?" "Why weren't you the 'mother' who took her oldest child away the first time her husband beat him, instead of allowing him to beat him for 23 years?" "Why weren't you a 'mother' and stop having kids by this man - bringing more people into the misery?"

So they leave with her and the clothes she has on. Hysterically crying, irritating her already sensitive eyes. (Yeah, that's real "mother-ly".) I don't hear from her for two days. They don't come to church the next day. They don't answer the phone (and people was blowing up the phone, cuz you know I called e'erbody I could that night to get her some help) and eventually their voicemail fills up. A couple of days later she calls to ask if she can come get some clothes. Her father brings her and she only takes enough to last two weeks.

For two weeks we keep in touch. Now she's afraid they will do something to her before her 18th birthday. (Her older brother talked about leaving the house after he turned 18 and just before his birthday, the father had him committed. He was gone for two years. He has since come back a totally withdrawn and depressed person. He is medicated and still lives at home at 23 and, according to my daughter, gets beat on a regular basis.) So she decides to runaway the weekend before her birthday. She devises a plan with friends and disappears Friday night after her shift at work. I get a call Saturday from my sista-friend saying "she's in the wind." I hear from her that Sunday afternoon to let me know she's okay.

The day of her birthday she returns to school (she'd missed two days because she was afraid they'd find her there and make her go back home) and I pick her up, take her to get her things and bring her back home with me. She's been with me ever since.

On August 11th she gets to move into her campus apartment and start her first year of college. She's currently working an intership for the summer at a local law firm. And she's getting better everyday. She's still got a long way to go, lots of trama and drama to unearth, but she'll make it. Thank God, she'll make it.

About a man from a man

2006-04-21T20:33:00.000-06:00

Always dreamed that it would happen
I just didn't know exactly when
All my life I'd been waiting for something amazing
Said it took a while but now I know
So tell me can I get a witness
If you believe in miracles
And the proof I have is living
And my life will never ever be...
And your life don't have to be the... same
- Jamie Foxx

Seeking a Co-Signer

Sometimes communication lines can be blurred in relationships. I’m speaking purely about romantic relationships at this point. Sometimes we men can’t find the right words to express the way we feel and the way we try to express it usually leads to, at the least, more confusion or at most, an argument and hurt feelings. So the whole point of this piece is to speak on behalf of men who are in serious relationships / marriages or are thinking about getting into a serious relationship / marriage.

When the question “What is it that you want from me?” is asked by the female of the twosome, normally two things happen depending on the volatility of the relationship: 1) he quickly jumps to the defensive and assumes that you’re attacking his motives for being in the relationship and answers with “I don’t want anything from you.”; or 2) he’s so overwhelmed by the abruptness of the question and the amount of things that he actually does want, that he can’t answer the question completely.

From being around serious minded men who are seeking women to enter into long-term relationships, their desires from their ideal mate have ranged from being as simple as being a good friend to as absurd as being able to perform oral sex with the prowess of a streetwalker. I won’t judge either one of those prerequisites because people like what they like. But a good solid relationship can’t be based on either of those extremes. Good friendship won’t hold you close at night, and by the same token, good oral sex won’t help you when you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one.

So with that being said, there is a myriad of things that a man needs from a loving relationship. Most men at some stage of their lives would like to have the pin-up model type woman on his arm. Some men may desire a woman that knows her way around the kitchen. Some men, despite belief of the contrary, are attracted to and seek women who are in powerful positions (i.e. lawyers, CEO’s, and executives). These men realize that those type of women have to be in charge of everything 8-12 hours a day, and when they come home they’d much rather not have to call all the shots. Some men look for (and this is a very important quality) a woman whose life is based on her faith in GOD. While others seek a woman who he believes will be a great mother to his offspring. But most men seek all of those things in one, and somewhere between all that, maybe good friendship and oral sex fall into the equation.

But what a man NEEDS (note that I didn’t say wants) is simple: a co-signer. Any man who’s worth his salt will hit a wall in pursuit of his destiny. And the ways of dealing with the frustration of hitting that wall will vary from man to man, but the one constant that each of these men will need is a co-signer to get him back on track. A simple, “Baby it’ll be alright. I’m here with/for you regardless of what happens” is like giving superman a shot of steroids. Knowing that his woman has his back in any situation gives any man the confidence to conquer the world. When his closest friends and family won’t be there, as long as his woman co-signs, he’s good to go.

The most important tool that a woman must possess to be a co-signer, though, is a solid belief in something greater than herself. There is perhaps no stronger force than a prayerful wife. Through her righteousness, the co-signer can give her man a spiritual covering that will save him from several traps and even from destroying himself. (Side note: There’s something to be said about having someone else pray for you. There’s an old story about two fishermen who are shipwrecked and they both end up on separate neighboring islands. One man prayed one prayer as soon as he got on his island and the other man prayed every day. The one that prayed every day got EVERYTHING he asked God for while the other man was there with nothing. So the man who got everything finally prayed for a ship to get him off the island. He got it and was headed away when God stopped him and asked why he wasn’t going to offer his comrade a ride. He said that the man’s faith was weak because he only prayed one time and apparently got nothing that he prayed for. And God replied and told him that the man had gotten everything that he asked for. The one time that he did pray, all he did was ask that his friend get everything that he prayed for.)

There are some cautions on being a co-signer, though. First and foremost, you can’t become one overnight. The right to even be a co-signer comes with serious time and serious trials. A man won’t believe any of your co-signing is genuine unless you have been through tribulations before TOGETHER. And most importantly, you can’t co-sign to EVERYTHING. Being a co-signer comes with responsibility. You cannot be afraid to find a tactful way to tell your man that he is wrong. It happens…often.

In conclusion, there is one thing that should be remembered about being a co-signer. No man will ever tell you this (well.. I guess I’m about to), but there’s not a worse feeling in the world than feeling betrayed by his significant other/wife (which will be referred to as co-signer from this point on). The reason is because for us, it doesn’t seem natural to us to show weakness or to share our fears. The only person in the world that we can share that with is our co-signer. We share (sometimes, reluctantly) with her the things that we can’t even share with our CLOSEST friends/brothers/family members. So all the friendship, good looks, oral sex, professional clout, good motherly ways, etc. is just gravy. But the real meat and potatoes that will keep a relationship well-nourished is the co-signer.

Written by W. Mack

Risk Taking

2006-03-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

"Letting go of all the ones that hurt me

'Cause they never deserved me

Saying 'No' to the thoughts that try to control me

Remembering all you told me"

- Kirk Franklin

Really Living Requires Really Risking
Steve Arterburn, New Life Ministries

I'm convinced that life without risk isn't much of a life. I've known young men who inherited a lot of money, and had all the comforts and securities you could possibly ask for. They had it all, but they lived with no fire in their bellies because there was nothing to burn. Their lives were risk free, and amidst the predictability and comfort that lifestyle bred, they missed becoming the men they could've been. We must give up the chains of predictability and the womb of comfort, and we must jump out there and risk if we're to truly live.

Risk is a choice to heal because it stretches the emotional scar tissue that's so beneficial after an initial wound, but that threatens to restrict and restrain if not rehabilitated. Just like a burn patient must painfully move scarred limbs to stretch damaged skin, so we must also stretch our souls. Risk is the means by which we do that stretching.

Risk Within Limits

It's important to understand the difference between reasonable and unreasonable risk. Sometimes we equate all risk with unreasonable risk and it's not true. No one is asking you to go out on a rotten limb, but rather to pick a strong one and get out on it. If you catastrophize every risk, you'll never take the ones that are reasonable.

Only you can set the limits between reasonable and unreasonable risk. You might not have set limits and boundaries in the past, and if you have a hard time with risk, that may be one of the reasons why. But a life of reasonable risk could help you find and live the life you've been looking for.

Reasons To Risk

There may be many excuses you've used to play it safe. They've worked well for you in your goal to avoid risk, but they haven't worked well for you in living a great life. To live a great life you must have risk. You cannot love unless you risk. You cannot even care about someone unless you risk, because there's always a chance you'll be rejected when you put yourself out there. You cannot connect without risk. Loving, caring, and connecting--the vital elements of life that give it meaning and purpose are great reasons to risk.

You can't serve without risk either. But when you serve, you serve Christ. You do to Christ what you do for another. And He's worth risking for, even if all you get from it is rejection. When you serve and aren't loved for it, you share in the sufferings of Jesus. You fellowship with Christ through your rejection, since almost all His life was filled with rejection. That fellowship with Christ is a powerful healer that can't be experienced unless you're willing to take some risks. You simply can't make your world small enough to be risk free.

The Healing Power Of Risk

Risk is a healer. It demands faith and trust. It eliminates a lifestyle of self-preservation, because self-preservation ignores the power of God. You can't allow yourself to be healed if you're trying to protect yourself from what cannot be prevented--trials and sorrows. You're going to have them, and when you take a risk and move into them under God's power rather than try to defend against them under your own power, you're making the choice to heal.

The great preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon said, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength." You can't lead a healed life in anxiety. It'll rob you of the strength you need today. It'll steal the tomorrow you were meant to enjoy. The answer for those who need healing from a risk-adverse life is found in 1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Do that right now. You can trust that God cares for you. It's worth the risk to give God all your fears, and embark upon a future of healing and excited anticipation about what might be around the next turn.

The Big Lie

The lie that you must protect yourself from any more pain is a really big one. If you've tried to live your life that way, I have a question for you. How's it going so far? Don't be an irresponsible steward of what God has given you by taking unreasonable risks; but by all means, don't allow fears and hardships to keep you from moving forward.

You're going to be hurt and you can't do anything to prevent it, but you can trust God each time a hurt comes along. Trust that while you don't have the power to protect yourself, He has the power to turn every hurt into something that improves you and glorifies Him. You'll never protect yourself from all the hurt, but you'll protect yourself from missing the life God intended when you make the choice to risk.

Healing is a choice. It's God's choice, but many times we stand in the way of what God wants for us. There isn't a choice more difficult than the choice to risk. My hat is off to all of you who'll make that choice today. May the blessings of God be upon you for your amazing courage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above piece is an adaptation from Healing Is A Choice: Ten Decisions That Will Transform Your Life & Ten Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them, by Steve Arterburn. Nashville: Nelson Books, 2005. Stephen Arterburn is the founder of New Life Clinics, the largest provider of Christian counseling and treatment in North America. As host of the daily New Life Live! radio program, he is heard nationally on over one hundred and eighty stations and at www.newlife.com. Steve is the creator of the Women of Faith(r) Conferences and is the author/coauthor of over thirty books, including Healing is a Choice, Lose it For Life, The God of Second Chances, Every Man's Battle, and Avoiding Mr. Wrong.

How can I forget?

2006-03-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mea culpa
Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je suis la et ailleurs
Je n'ai plus rien
Je deviens folle
Je m'abondonne
Mea culpa
- Enigma

Things are not well with my soul. Last night was a hard night. For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I couldn't pray. I couldn't see my way to God. I felt bereft. I felt lost. I felt empty.

I have felt lonely for some time now. I have craved companionship, fellowship with a special man. I desire to be part of a family; wife and mother. I want to be able to listen, talk, share all of me with one person instead of parts of me with different people. I love my friends, family, but even with all their love and support there is still an emptiness that isn't touched.

I want to fully commit myself to a man who is fully committed to me. I want a best friend, lover, confidante, supporter, protector, nurturer who will accept no less from me. I want to be covered while I give shelter from the world. I want my own Warrior King beside me as we do God's will (to the best of our ability). I long for this. If I am truthful, I thought I had found it.

Last night as I talked to him, I was trying to share my fears, my concerns - trying to allow one person to know all of me - when he hit me with a harsh interpretation. He told me I am "so worried about what's coming out of the kitchen that I am starving even with a plate full of food in front of me." In other words, I'm so focused on what is missing from my life, what I yearn for, that I overlook - am not grateful for - the fullness and blessing I do have in my life. That hurt.

It hurt because he said it and to know that is how he sees me - spoiled, ungrateful, selfish - is hard to digest. But more importantly it hurt because I believed it is how God sees me. Suddenly it seemed to make sense why He has denied me; He has given me so much and I still say "I want more, please." I thought I was grateful. I thought I was obedient. I thought I was faithful but suddenly it hit me "What if I'm not?" "What if I'm throwing His blessings back in His face by taking all He has given and asking for more?"

And just like that, I spiralled into an even deeper depression. One I couldn't climb out of. I realized as much as feeling physically and emotionally alone hurt, being spiritually alone was devastating. What if all I'd known, all I'd done, said, prayed had been fake? What if I was a fake? What if I had fooled myself that I am a grateful servant but really I'm not. What if...? I'd thought I'd done well with my mission/ministries and I only needed someone to support me to be able to continue on. But now I was feeling that I'd failed. I had been so focused on my desires, that I'd lost perspective of His will for me.

And I felt that this was my punishment. Being found by a man who fit the "desires of my heart" but not being the desire of his. Being given the opportunity to be a "mother" to a young lady but only for a few months. I was to feel what it was like but not be able to hold onto it. To touch it then have it taken away.

I was told to pray. That I was allowing the enemy to take hold and I needed to pray. I was even told the words to say to get me started. But when I got off the phone, turned out the lights and layed down - I had nothing. I could not concentrate. I could not find the words. I felt so far away from God and I didn't know how to get back. Eventually I fell asleep, my last thoughts of how I was going to force myself to carry on and finish what I'd started.

When I woke this morning, eyes burning, a song was playing in my head...

How can I forget what you've done for me?
How can I forget how you've set me free?
How can I forget how you brought me out?
How can I forget? No, never!

Heartbreak and Blessing

2006-02-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

- Bonnie Tyler

Oohh wee! What the hecks is goin' on?! Let me tell you I'm spinning! Let me see if I can break it down...
School

I'm over half-way through my principal's training program. Portfolio needs to be done in May. Currently working on 3rd of 5 projects to complete my portfolio. I'll be honest though, I'm not giving it 100% of my attention. Why? Because... ummm... yeah... can't really get into it but also because there is so much extra credit stuff going on in the other departments of my life. I need to buckle down and just do the "dang thang" like only I can. I'm a wiz at school, so I need to just put it on 'em.
I did, however, take the state principal licensing test on Saturday. 100 multiple choice questions. The test started at 7:55 am and we had until 12:25 to complete it. I had flown in Friday night at 12:30 am from Los Angeles, I was sick with a horrible cold, and it was -5011 degrees outside. But your woman finished the test at 9:45 am. I feel good about it; there were 5 questions, tops, that I struggled picking one answer on.

Work

Our district has a new superintendent and chief academic officer. What does that mean? My current position has been overhauled and I have to reapply if I want to keep it next year (it's an annual position anyway but in the past the principal could simply notify the district that he wanted to keep you). The overhauling, mind you, means the same job plus a few other assignments "as necessary" for less pay. Oh and it's at the CAO discretion which school I would be assigned to.
So I've decided to stay at my current school (because it's predominately Black and Brown which is the population I want to work with) and apply for a full-time teaching position. Yep, I'm going back into the classroom full-time.
What about the principal thing? Next year will be the first operational year under the new regime, there will be lots of dust flying as they overhaul and change things, so I'm going to lay low until some of it settles. Now is not my time.

Romance

The first weekend of February I spent in Baltimore with him. I was there doing some consulting work (side jig) Thursday and Friday and he and I made plans to spend the weekend. We had a good weekend but he decided that he's not meant for me. He also admitted he's in love with someone else. It hurt. A lot. I'd finally trusted someone with a deep part of me and he doesn't want me. Ouch! He cried, I cried. Yada, yada, yada...
It's extra hard because outside of the romantic he is my best friend. So as I hurt and go through the other bumps in my life (see the rest of this post), he is the person I want to turn to. And he's still there for me. Which is weird but a blessing. Obviously there's more to the story but it's so convoluted he and I can barely figure it out but y'all get the gist.
The "Ex" is about to be released from prison. He's been approved for a half-way house and should be out in the next week or so. He's still pressing for us to try to make it work. He says it's his goal to marry me. (He is on me to change my locks.) Keep hope alive, my brotha, keep hope alive.
I ran into an old crush about three weeks ago. We've known each other for over 10 years. It was good to see him and we've been texting since then but haven't been able to hook up yet due to my traveling and other hecticness. He has invited me to celebrate his birthday though as soon as possible (it was February 3rd).

Home

One of the youth from my church is now living with me. She is 17 and a senior in high school. She will be 18 in two months, graduate in three months, and go to college in six months. Can you say "instant motherhood?" It's been crazy and I'm still trying to make sense of it.
As you can imagine, it's not a good situation. (The causation, not the fact she's with me; that's good.) She reported her dad for abuse and after dealing with police, social services, hospitals and not the least her controlling father, she's safe with me. It's tenuous so I've got to make sure I keep social services on the case, but we're just trying to make it through until April when he legally cannot control her anymore. Keep us in prayer y'all.
My dream of buying a home this year is starting to slip away. I'm not sure I can afford it and I'm not happy about it. But I'll keep praying on it because God is able no matter how bleak things look to us (and our bankers).

Church

Other than the extra attention taking the young lady in has brought, things are staying pretty even. I've only been to church once since it all happened and I've avoided speaking directly about it other than to the few people who already knew and/or are close to me. But, blessedly, I do continue to get voicemails of encouragement from people.

So what's up with y'all?

2 seconds off yo ass!

2006-01-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I've got no patience now

So sick of complacency now

I've got no patience now

So sick of complacency now

Sick of sick of sick of sick of you

Time has come to pay...

Know your enemy!

- Rage Against The Machine

~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine once explained that what most white people get twisted is which Black people to fear. They think that thugged out brotha or loud-mouth video vixen dressed sista is the one they should stay clear of. As long as they don't live, work, play near those Black people, then they will be safe. What they don't realize is us intelligent, educated, middle/upper class, professional Black people are 2 seconds off their asses too! They see the "ghetto" denizens as angry, openly hostile. But the rest of us got that stealth anger going on and at any second that shit is gonna pop off. Fo' real!

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight was my pop off. I'm currently in a principal preparation program. It's a small, elitist program - we are only the third cohort to go through, so I can accurately say I am one of only 60 R****** fellows in the world. We are the shit! My cohort has 18 people in it and I am pleased to say that 5 of us are Black, 3 are Latino, and 1 is Latino/Japanese. Pretty damn diverse considering this is Denver.

~~~~~~~~~~

So anyway there is this one white chick (yeah, I called her chick cuz that's about as much sense she has - a baby chicken) who is so stuck up and stuck on herself. The program kicked off with a week-long retreat at the end of the summer in this remote mountain ranch. No phone, no cell phone, no internet access, and only 2 TV channels. (Yeah, we was roughin' it in cabins.) A week with 22 strangers (3 facilitators & 1 other participant who has since quit the program). Not the the opportunity most people would be looking forward to but hey, you make the best of it. The purpose of the retreat, as you can guess, was to help us bond.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone was doing their best to step out and do that. Everyone but white, skinny chic. From the word go (or the word whoa) she was standoff-ish, aloof, condescending, rude, evil, and just plain heifer-ish. So the rest of us just went on without her. My feeling about her almost from day one was she only deals with people who a) are on her "level", b) are above her "level", and c) have something she needs (i.e. the power to promote her ass). Therefore she quickly summed us all up and decided we couldn't do anything for her, were not of her "ilk" and dismissed us all. Especially the minorities. She spent the whole retreat lips pursed, legs crossed and sucking up to the facilitators. Whatever heifer!

~~~~~~~~~~

So now 5 months later, she's gotten a little better (I think because the facilitators told her she needed to play nice) but for the most part is still pulling her "I'm so much better than you all and you need to know that" routine. Fine. I don't want to be your friend. And I just keep my distance.

~~~~~~~~~~

Understand though that there is a difference between not liking you personally and respecting you as a person and/or professionally. I don't have to like you to work with you. And there are plenty of times in class when the facilitators will have us pair up, group up, to work together. Since I'm not usually sitting near her, we never have had to. Until tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I sat my stuff down then left the room. In the meantime she came into class and took the seat to my left. When I returned, I'll admit, I was like "Damn! I don't wanna sit by her." But I'm a professional, we only have to sit next to each other and if we do have to talk, I can do that without sneering or throwing up.

~~~~~~~~~~

Inevitability the moment comes tonight when the facilitators tell us to turn, pair up with a person and discuss ____________. Now normal, grown-ass people look to their left and their right and pair up as necessary. We are sitting such that she and I are numbers 3 and 4, respectfully, at the table. So naturally we should pair up.

~~~~~~~~~~

That heifer looks to her left (never looks right) and turns her back on me to start talking to the guy next to her. So now I'm sitting in the middle of the table with no one to talk to (people #5 & 6 logically start talking to each other; person #1 - who person #2 should have paired with - had gotten up to get some water but was on his way back). The guy she's talking to, looks over and says

C: "T, come on join us."

T: "No, that's okay, C. I got the message. I'm good."

SWC: "Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, join us." (dry tone of voice)

T: "Um, no. I got the message. You turned your back on me. Do what you do."

C: "Aaaa, no T join us."

T: "Naw, C - I'm good. Obviously SWC doesn't want anything to do with me."

At this point I'm getting up and walking outta the room to keep from slapping the ho.

C: "Come on T. You can join us."

T: "Naw, C - I'm straight."

~~~~~~~~~~

So the rest of the evening I sat next to the heifer and scared her ass. She sat wrapped so tight she was afraid to blink in case I might cut her ass. And I just stretched out and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

~~~~~~~~~~

The thing is... the thuggish, ruggish set may take your life; you end up dead. We intelligent, educated, professional types will take your life; make you wish you were dead.

Sunday Blessings

2006-01-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

My God said
"In the midst of your storm"
He said

"I'm gonna have my way"

He said

"I am God

And above me there's no other"

He said

"No weapon

No weapon formed against me

shall ever prosper"

- Potter's House Mass Choir

As I drove up to my church today, I saw a man standing on the corner holding two enormous signs, each at least four feet tall and three wide. One sign had an enlarged photo of an aborted fetus and the other had some words on it denouncing the pro-choice stance. As I turned off the boulevard and onto the side street I saw a van parked on the street in front of the church (about 10 yards from the corner) and it also had large signs propped against it on all sides with more photos and wording.

Now regardless of my personal feelings about abortion and if I would ever have it done, I was offended. And I was even more offended that the people had decided to set up in front of my church as if we supported their actions (if not their sentiments). I was concerned that passersby on the boulevard (one of the busiest in Denver) would assume we, meaning my church, had placed the demonstrators there. It didn't matter that my church is one of the largest, if not the largest, and wealthiest Black churches in Denver, and that the demonstrators were white. I just didn't want anyone to think for a minute we had anything to do with that.

I also didn't want any woman or man who may have made the decision , for whatever reasons, to have an abortion and were coming to church to be discouraged. Church, in my opinion, should be a safe haven. A place where we all can come, admit we are all sinners in some way, and ask the Lord for forgiveness. Sin is sin - one is not worse than another. God don't like any of it. Period. The end. But he does forgive if we repent. Who are we (men and women) to tell someone their sin is worse and/or unforgivable than our own?

So I started my church service not in the best of moods. But today one of my "children" delivered the sermon. He is a young man I had in the youth ministry when I was a counselor/coordinator. When I met him he was in middle school. I worked with him in bible study, a Rites of Passage program, the choir, and other youth fellowship programs all through high school and into the beginning of college. At the age of 18 he was licensed as a minister and now at 21 (he just turned 21 in October) he's still in college, engaged to be married in April and preaching the Word of God. (And preaching it with force and conviction.) I am so proud of him.

As a teacher I've had the joy of seeing my first group of 8th graders graduate from high school. I've buried one student. Gone to court over and seen a couple of students go to prison. I've coached pee-wee games, middle school games. Attended high school games. I've been to recitals, baptisms, quinceneras, trial sermons, track meets, tennis matches, baseball games on and on. And even when I felt like screaming, giving up because they had given up on themselves, I remember the joy, the laughter and the smiles of seeing them go on. And I remember my charge - "Train up a child in the way he should go. And when he grows old, he will not depart from it." Today I saw my "son" speak the word of God and he blessed me. The student has become the teacher. Hallelujah!

Guest Appearance V

2006-01-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

Until the end of time

I'll be there 4 u

U own my heart and my mind

I truly adore u

If God one day struck me blind

Your beauty I'd still see

Love is 2 weak 2 define

Just what u mean 2 me

- Prince

Nothing can introduce this lady better than her own words:

"I am a true southern lady. I'm a divorced mother of 3 boys. I love life and I love to smile and laugh. I have so many interests. Music is my passion, especially jazz, and writing poetry. I have a passion for life and a passion for love." Friends and visitors, I bring you Luscious Honey.

I Want To Be Loved

Will I ever hear those words whispered in my ear?
I live for this day.
Will I ever be in the arms of a strong embrace?
I just want to be held.
Will I ever be looked deep in my eyes and see a passion that burns?
For only I?
Loving so sweet I don’t ever want to share.
Will I ever be held deep into the night?
I’m so tired of sleeping alone.
Will I ever feel so precious and treasured?
I want to feel adoring kisses on my face.
Will I ever be the only one that he needs?
I want to be the reason [he smiles].
Will I ever be [his] all and all?
I want to be the one [he shares his] life with.
Will I ever be whole?
A piece of me is walking around somewhere in this world.
Will he ever come to me?
Will I ever?
Will I ever?
Will I ever hear I LOVE YOU?
I just want to be loved.

The News

2006-01-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

I hope

Life treats you kind

And I hope

You have all you've dreamed of

And I wish you joy

And happiness

But above all this

I wish you love

- Whitney Houston

What's up people? The sabbatical is over. Hold up - is it still a sabbatical when you're working frantically and frenetically? Well, the blog sabbatical is over at least. What's been going on? Even though I've been absent from the pen, I have still been present with the page. I wanna say a few words to some of my blog buddies who I continued to peep while I was away.

Zed - Bruh, you sure know how to keep a sista smiling and flat laughing out loud.
Dee Dee - hurry up and get the PC fixed so we can IM. I need you my sista, bad! But keep praying for me.
Hassan - Hang tight. Keep praying and keep the faith. I know how it feels to want to fold up but we also know how good the Lord is and how faithful He is to us.
Nameliar - Gurl, just be you! I love your style. Keep it real and don't settle just because the d*** is good.
Organized Noise - I feel like I spend my weekends in NYC thanks to your spot. Also we think so many of the same thoughts, we may have been separated at birth. Oh, but wait, I'm much older than you. Well, maybe we were twins in a past life. And I love you to life, but you gotta take the title "Denver Broncos" from above my name on your blog. I am an OAKLAND RAIDER fan, mortal enemies of any bronco fans. I understand the premise, so you can list me under Denver Nuggets (my first choice), Colorado Avalanche, Colorado Rockies, Denver Mammoths, Colorado Rapids, or Denver Crush (all Denver professional teams) but, please, don't put my name with the broncos!
Ms. Powderpink - I found your blog over the Christmas break and got in on the "No Bastard Kids" episodes. Wrong ain't right no matter how many people do it. Not that that makes the parents bad people (and it sure isn't a reflection on the kids - not their fault in any way, shape, or form) but it don't make them right either.
Humanity Critic - Who probably won't ever see this but, wow! Prolific writer aren't you? And got something to say about e'rrthang and e'rrone. Keep it coming.
Teej - A calm spot to visit everyday for a little smile.

So life has been... well, life. Christmas break was well needed and well used. I spent the first week performing in concerts for the season. One at church and one with the Denver Symphony Orchestra. I had two CD's released over the holiday and have been knee deep in distributing and promoting them. One is my church choir's own CD while the other is a joint effort with the symphony (from last year's performance). The second week was for sleeping, organizing the house and talking to him.

Work has been rip-roaring fun, too! We've had overcrowded classes since about October. The district projected our enrollment at 525 this year, so at the end of last year we had to cut teachers. Guess what, folks?! We have 650 students in the building so far and more transferring e'rrday. Therefore we (read I) had to scramble and revise the master class schedule to create smaller classes this semester. The new schedule went into effect last Tuesday (principal delays, don't ask) and, surprisingly with only a few glitches. Unfortunately it's not over; we (read I) still have to resolve a few issues and actually get it online. My hope is it will be completely done within the next two weeks.

The district also has a new superintendent. He was actually hired over the summer, but now he's starting to spell out his initiatives. One thing I know, my position has been eliminated as of next school year. Now I've got to decide what types of jobs I want to apply for next year. I could go back to full time teaching or I could go full time administration. I know I don't want to do the half and half thing anymore. I just don't feel like I give my best to either side when I do both. So I've decided to take my principal's licensing test next month instead of waiting until April. If I pass then it's over. If I don't then I'll know what to expect in April. But that's the only decision I've made so far.

Meanwhile, my principal / leadership program is going well. I can't believe I'm half way through. I'm contemplating doing the extra classes to get a master's degree but then again, do I really need another one? But then again it's only 2-3 more classes so why not? But then again, is there such a thing as being over-educated? But then again I do want to get a master's of divinity, which would be 3 master's degrees... is that too much? I guess I don't have to decide right now, but it's a thought that's been crossing my mind.

There's more, much more, on the emotional front, but honestly, I'm still too close to it to share yet. Although I think I need to write it out. So look for future entries on multiple topics, not the least of which are him. Keep bloggin' buddies! Until we meet again - your place or mine.

Welcome to 2006! (Guest Appearance IV)

2006-01-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

Lead me on girl if you must

Take my heart and my love

Take of me all that you must

And if there's a thing that you need

I'd give you the breath that I breathe

'N if ever you yearn for the love in me

Whenever Wherever Whatever

- Maxwell

It's was a blessed and wonderful holiday - I'll share more later. But for now I wanted to present another poet and his work. I recently met this man and I have been very impressed with his writing. I have several of his pieces and it was difficult to choose just one to spotlight. (As soon as I thought I had my pick, he'd post something else that was equally impressive.) I picked this piece because it speaks to my heart where I am right now. Words like these are what I desire and deserve to hear from the (future) man in my life. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sweet.

Willingness

If I could ease your past then I would

If I could take every tear that you've cried, and throw them in the air,
and watch the clouds embrace them,
then I would.

If I could have met you years ago and made you the first Mrs. Sweet
I would, but since I can't what I will do is this.

I will take everyday that I am awake
just to say, "I love you"

Freeze frame every moment that we are together
so when tomorrow comes,
I can repeat everything that we said
and everything that we did
because every moment with you is worth reliving all over again

I will spend everyday trying to make you fall in love with me
trying to make you realize
everytime you look into my eyes,
you will see a man who cries
not just tears, but life
because each tear that falls allows my passion for you to grow

I will love you in spite of your past
I will love you because of your past
because your past
is just your past
and past me there is nothing
and whoever you have been with in the past
doesn’t matter
because who you are with now
is who you are supposed to be with now

What I will do is
Rub your head because you expect me to
Rub your feet because you want me to
Rub your back because you will me to
Rub your thighs because you desire me to
Rub your soul because you need me to
and believe me sweetheart,
all I want to do, is do what you want me to

I will invite you into every area of my life
allow you to see those spots that hurt the most
even though they were supposed to be covered for life
but I know before I can make you my wife
I must first make you my life
make you feel comfortable in my space
convince you to take your place
because next to God there is you

This is not a race that I want to run alone
winning is natural to me
it is what I am destined to do,
but winning is not winning at all
if I can't win with you
so will you run with me?

What I will do is make you promises
BUT DON'T BE AFRAID
Because with me promises made
are promises kept
and promises kept
are destinys fulfilled
and I promise to love you into your destiny
So pack your bags,
you are coming with me

What I will do is
Take one phrase and present it to you,
Will you marry me?
Take my two kids and offer them to you
Take three moments to wait for your answer
Take your fourth finger and put
Five diamonds on it
Take six days to tell you that I love you
Take seven days to show you how much I love you
Take eight minutes to make you cum
And take nine months to see what comes
Give you ten breaths to push what might come
Take eleven months go give you all that I have
And take twelve months to reflect on our anniversary

So you see
No one knows like I know what you mean to me
But this is my life and you are my life
And there are few things in this world that I know
But I do know this
For you
I will
Do
Anything

New Year's Resolutions

2005-12-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

I can see new hope inside of me

The Savior's love surrounds me

Praises be through all eternity

For love and grace so abounding

- Majestic Praise*

As I travel around blog-land I see a lot of people writing and/or inquiring about New Year's resolutions. I've never really set any resolutions at the end of the year - not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe it's because I set and re-evaluate my personal goals whenever I feel it necessary. As the year closes I like to reflect back on how it went and I pray that in the coming year I will grow in all aspects of my life - relationships (agape & philios), wisdom & understanding, spirituality & faith, strength & courage, discernment, just to name a few. Today, in one of my online groups, a member (ablkbrotha) posted the following questions. I thought they were good end of year/new year reflections and I'd like to see what y'all are thinking...

1. What one word describes who you were to someone else in 2005? Example: someone may see you as loving, or faithful or as a friend or as trifling!

2. Describe what was the funniest experience you had in 2005.

3. Describe the best kiss you were given in 2005.

4. Describe the greatest sexual encounter you had in 2005. Provide specific details.

5. Share one of your biggest accomplishments of 2005.

6. List your greatest flirtatious action(s) in 2005.

7. Describe an instance when you let your guard down in 2005 and were disappointed.

8. List one of your biggest mistakes in 2005.

9. What was your greatest lesson learned in 2005?

10. Based upon your 2005 experiences, what one word would you like to use describe yourself in 2006?

*NOTE: This is my church's mass choir. This song appears on our newly released CD "Hallelujah Anyhow!" It is the second CD we've released this month. (The first is "Too Hot to Handel-The Gospel Messiah.")

Secret Mission #5623

2005-12-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

Little darling / Gotta go now / Don't worry u'll be just fine / When it comes 2 good luck / I just know, i just know u'll always be the first in line / Nobody'll ever love u as much as i do / That doesn't mean other people won't love u 2 / Don't talk 2 strangers / Don't forget 2 say your prayers at night / Remember God He made u / And one day He'll make everything alright / Don't cross on yellow / U always got to wait 4 a green light / Remember God He made u / And one day He'll make things alright

- Prince

This is a tag of sorts. It's been a loooonng minute since I've filed a mission report, mostly because I've been wallowing in negativity, self-pity, depression and fatigue, but RGB asked "How far do I have to dig back to find out what happened with/to him? Or is it a sensitive topic? Sounds like he left quite an impression..." That got me to thinking, "Yeah, what is/did happen with him?"

Let's look at the facts...

1. We were not/are not in romantic relationship.

2. We are friends; close friends (No Zed, not "with benefits"!)

3. There is a major attraction there - if you haven't figured it out yet.

4. We live 1000 miles away from each other.

5. I would like to be in a romantic relationship with him.

6. He does not feel he is/has who/what I deserve yet.

7. I totally disagree with him.

8. We frequently argue about it.

9. But I can't change his mind.

10. He says he's working on it and when he believes he's ready, he's coming for me.

11. We did spend one glorious weekend together in a neutral city.

12. I really want to visit him.

13. He says he's going to visit me as soon as possible.

14. He is one of my best friends.

15. We separated for awhile. (Didn't speak.)

16. He was struggling with family, job, financial issues; his own depressive state.

17. He's too proud to reach out for help.

18. I missed him terribly.

19. I was hurt and angry that he didn't reach out to me. (I knew something was wrong.)

20. I was too proud to continue trying to reach him.

21. I started listening to the deceiver and fell into an awful depression.

22. He finally reached out.

23. I yelled at him for being so dayum proud.

24. He took it.

25. We talked for over 4 hours.

26. We both aired our grievances, our desires, our fears.

27. We encouraged each other.

28. We shared scripture and prayer.

29. We laughed.

30. We said "I love you."

So now I feel better. I am ecstatic to have my friend back. I am mourning the "loss" (for now) of our romantic possibility. I am trying to understand what God "sees." I am operating in faith that His plan is intact. I am trying to stay open to His direction. I am reluctantly dating someone else. (Well not "reluctantly" dating, but my heart's not completely in it. He's a good guy, we have fun but... he's not him.)

Smile through the Tears

2005-12-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

What's up? I'm hangin'... slowly coming out of the fog. Actually I've been given exactly a week and a half (as of last Tuesday) to make it through then I got some 'splaining to du Luuucy! according to my bestest friend (thanks guys for checking in on me... daily). But even though my heart is heavy and my soul is tired, there have been some things that have made me smile. Here's one distraction I received the other day. Let’s see how many you can figure out. Submit your guesses; I’ll post the answers later.

Name that Christmas Carol (word play)
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hours – Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for the Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Update 12/19/05: The Answers
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
7. Away In a Manger
8. Deck The Halls
9. Little Drummer Boy (my favorite)
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let It Snow
15. Go Tell It On the Mountain
16. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. Who is this Child?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark the Herald Angels
20. The 12 Days of Christmas

Strength

2005-11-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up early this morning crying. It was a lot earlier than I planned to wake up and it was definitely not the way I wanted to wake up. I know my life is abundantly blessed. I have family, friends, ministry (ies). I have enough financial stability to have the things I need (and quite a few of the things I want). But I'm not fulfilled. (I wonder if this is how he feels. No, not him but him - my (future) husband. I don't know if they are one in the same at this point. Does he miss his rib as much as I miss him?) I feel guilty because I am so blessed yet it's as if I'm saying, "Sorry God, it's not enough. I need him, too." Is that unreasonable? Is that selfish? Am I being spoiled?

I really want to be like the woman in the picture. She's confident. She's capable in her own right. She's strong. Strong enough to know that she can hold her head up high, face anyone and be confident in what she portrays and what they see. Strong enough to admit her heart needs filling. I want to have enough strength of purpose to hold my heart out and up for him to take. And strong enough to continue holding it out when no one wants it.

Thankful

2005-11-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving evening and I'm back home after spending the afternoon with "family." As usual I went to my God-parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner. Momma and Pappa aren't really my God-parents. They are a couple from church who have adopted me. They treat me like a daughter. They are also a great role model for me when it comes to marriage. I have so much respect for their relationship (and I get to see it in all it's phases) and I hope to one day be blessed with a union like theirs. I believe God gave them to me so they are in the truest sense of the word, my God-parents.
I started the day with a workout (yeah, I'm kinda becoming a fanatic); weights and cardio. I thought about getting in the hot tub but I didn't think I'd really have enough time. I returned from the complex workout room to my apartment and made myself breakfast; bacon, eggs with cheese, and crescent rolls. As I ate I played on the computer building my own 360 page on Yahoo. (Don't ask me why; just because I could. It's not like I need another web page.) I sent a mass text message to all my peeps wishing them a blessed Thanksgiving. Then listened to one bar of "Tipsy" repeatedly as people texted me back. After a couple of hours I began cooking my part of the Thanksgiving dinner (two different types of green beans). I piddled around the house until it was time to take a shower and wash my hair.
Now for two weeks my Momma's been telling me dinner is at 2:30. So my plan was to get dressed and leave the house at 2 pm to head over. My "parents" live exactly 30 minutes away now that they've moved into their new house. 30 minutes and 14 miles. Everything was on schedule; the beans were cooked, I was done with my hair, I was dressed and packing up to get in the car. Or so I thought. My cell phone rings. It's my Momma.
"Where are you?!"
"I'm on my way. You said 2:30."
"Oh, well... hurry up. We're waiting for you."
"Who's all there?"
"Everyone that's planned to be except you."
"Alright."
So I get there around 2:45 (Well, you knew I wasn't really gonna be on time, right?!) and everyone is eating. My momma, pappa, Mom E (momma's mother), Mr. L (Mom E's man friend), cousin Denise, and brother Andre. I put down my beans and grab a plate. We eat and watch the Broncos-Cowboys game. Everyone has seconds and the game goes into overtime.
Denise is the first to leave, followed by Mom E and Mr. L. Andre and I pack up 2-3 to go plates each (Hey, we're single! They made us take all that food.) and follow each other out, me being last. Now I'm home and contemplating meeting my "sister" at a club to start her week long birthday celebration. I probably won't go because I'm fighting to keep my eyes open as is and I don't feel like creating a club outfit for only 2 hours of exposure (that's all I can probably muster).
Tomorrow I'll put up my Christmas tree, do laundry, homework and work as well as take a nap. But tonight is the beginning of the holiday season. I love this time of year because we get almost weekly reminders of how blessed we are as we get together with family, friends, loved ones etal. I know I'm blessed. Remember the real reason for the season as you eat, shop and be merry. Be blessed!

Random Thoughts of Him

2005-11-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

It seems that lately a lot of people have been asking questions and/or writing pieces that have me thinking of him. The other night he and I were talking and I told him I had not written anything down about us but I feel I just might be ready to. He encouraged me to do it, get things down before I lose them. So I've gathered a few of my random thoughts/answers about him to place here. I'm feeling rather sexy (the way he always makes me feel) so be warned.

10/26/05

Q: GIB vs SAM
Is he Good In Bed or a Sorry Ass Man? If he's SAM what are you going to do to change him? If he's GIB, what are you going to do to keep him?

A: Not only is he GIB but he's a good man period. What will I do to keep him? Ironically he wants me to open up to him, trust him, and believe in us. It's easier said than done for me, but darn it, I'm gonna try!

11/5/05

Q: Verbally Arousing
Have you ever been even more turned on by the sounds of love making? The slurping, cumming, licking, sucking, skin popping sounds that you and your partner make? What sounds turns you on?

A: The sound of him dining on my juices. The sound of him breathing hard, moaning, growling. The sound of him moving in and out of my wetness and the sound of him cumming inside me.

11/5/05

Q: Women: What makes a man unforgettable? What makes his dick, loving, or just him unforgettable and you want to cook him breakfast? What makes you crave him more and more?

A: The way he touched me - mind, body and soul.
The way he made me feel loved, protected, cherished and desired.
The way he pulled and held me to his heart tightly when we met.
The way he smelled and felt and tasted.
The way he asked me to look him in the eyes while he was inside me;
And the way he held my gaze as he moved with me.
The way he held me in his arms throughout the night.
The way he met me at the door when I returned from work;
And the way he laid me down and asked me how my day went.
The way he prays for me, encourages me and supports me.
The way he wants to be the best him he can be for me.

(Email sent after our latest late night phone call)
Date: 11/17/05
To: him
From: toneec42
Subject: I want you...

I want you to know how wet, swollen and open you have me right now. I can feel the ghost of you inside me, stretching me wide, filling me up. You were right... I don't know which I like better. Short thrusts or long strokes. But I do know I love having you inside me. So stroke me, baby. Surprise me by mixing it up. Make me moan and grip you to hold you inside. Pull out and rub yourself in my wetness. Use your tip to spread it around my clit. Oooooh, yes... make me drip, daddy! Make me say your name. Then push back inside and let me hold you until you moan mine. Give yourself to me. Turn me over onto my knees. Lick me and taste us together before you re-enter your home. Push up inside me until your sac kisses my clit. Help me make it sloppy. Let's work it until our juices coat both our thighs. Then move with me again so I can be on top. I want to ride you until we both cum again. Let's make love like we want to make a baby. Cum again. Give me your seed and feel it wash back down in my juices. Mmmmmm, feel how wet, swollen and open you have me right now.

25 Hot Celebrity Men

2005-11-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

First... There was a fire in my kitchen this morning, y'all! I dropped some waffles in the toaster and went to brush my teeth. When I came back there were flames coming out of the toaster! I popped up the waffles and it was still on fire. I grabbed some tongs, threw the waffle in the sink then opened the balcony doors and brought in a fan (I so did not want the smoke detector to go off!). I guess I really didn't need the carbs.

Anyway this was a question asked in one of my online groups and I've thought about it and decided to bring it here. I'm still not sure about the ranking but these are my top 25.

25. Cordazer "Calvin" Broadus aka Snoop Dogg (just this look, though)
24. Christopher Bridges aka Ludacris
23. Eddie Spears
22. Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
21. Keith Hamilton Cobb
20. Harold Perrineau Jr.
19. Terrence Dashon Howard
18. Dennis Haysbert
17. Chris Webber
16. Gary Dourdan
15. Andre Benjamin aka Andre3000
14. Trevor Smith Jr. aka Busta Rhymes
13. Michael Spears
12. Mekhi Pfifer
11. Antonio Banderas
10. Richard T. Jones
9. D. Christopher Judge
8. James Todd Smith aka LL Cool J
7. Dante Smith aka Mos Def
6. Omar Epps
5. Michael Ealy
4. Keanu Reeves
3. Michael Jordan
2. Tupac Shakur (Okay he's dead now but when he was alive - those eyes!)
1. Oshea Jackson aka Ice Cube

Kaleidoscope

2005-11-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

So much swirling around right now I don't know where to start. Let's see...

Pain
Michael made me scream yesterday. (Come back, Zed. Not that way.) We worked on shoulders and he kept pushing me on one exercise until I screamed. Now my left shoulder really hurts. I think I tore something.

Exhaustion
I cleaned my home office today. All friggin' day! Now I actually have to do some work and all I really want to do is lie on the futon.

Relief
At least a little. I finally got one of the three consulting fees I was owed. Just in time to stop me from hollering at someone. Now the other two should be here within the week or I'm still going to holler!

Anxious
I really, really, really want to buy a home! I want to own my own home and be able to decorate and do whatever I want in it. My goal is to buy something mid/late next year but I might go looking tomorrow after church.

Swamped
I have so much homework and work to do it's not even funny. I've got about 5 books to read, 10 articles, projects to plan, work for my students to plan, emails to right (and write), professional development to plan and prepare for... the list goes on. Yet here I am writing in my blog and watching Trading Spaces. (Which is probably why I want to buy a home. Hmmm...)

Excited
The new Harry Potter movie opens November 18th! That's Friday! I shall be there on Friday! (Shut up! I am not a geek!)

Horny
I really want to kiss a man right now. I'm craving it like I crave licorice. My lips, my tongue... I can almost taste him. Whew! Where's a man when you need him?!

Creative
I want to do something creative - knitting, take photographs, painting, writing, singing, sewing, cooking, decorating. Something... but I can't I've got too much work.

Restless
I want to go somewhere. Greece, the Caribbean, Spain, Egypt... somewhere. But I can't; I've got too much work to do.

Guilty
I spoke with the "Ex" last night. He's depressed and saying he has nothing to look forward to when he's released in late January/early February because we're not together anymore. I tried to get him to think about his kids, the business he wants to start as things to look forward to but he's says it doesn't matter if he doesn't have his woman to share it with.

Joy
God is blessing me right now! So much so I was able to bless someone else when they needed it. Thank you, Jesus!

Pumped!
Tomorrow is the first game between the Raiders and the Broncos. Me and my local Raider Nation are gearing up here in Bronco Country. Just got the latest text from my dude Robbie - he was supposed to go to the game in Oakland but didn't make it. So now we're making plans to watch it together amidst the Bronco fans. Might end up fightin' but we're (Raiders) gonna send them (Broncos) back home hurtin'! Black and Silver, Babee! (That's probably why Michael hurt me yesterday; he's a die-hard Bronco fan.)

Lonely
I miss him so much. I would love to just rest in his arms right now. Smell his scent. Feel his presence near me.

Sunday Distractions

2005-11-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

Just for fun... tell me, do you see any common themes?

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.4
Mind:	7.9
Body:	7
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	4.6
Love:	4.3
Finance:	7.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Which book of the Bible are you?
You are Proverbs.

Everyone has a secret ability. What is yours?

Spirit Sight is your secret ability.
You see things not many people see, and you never take anything for granted. You are the kind of person who prefers to be alone. Not many people take you seriously whenever you claim to see things that many do not. However, it is the things you see that make an impact on both your life and the lives around you. Everywhere you look, you see the spirits of the dead and the spirits of the earth trying to guide, manipulate and protect the people you are surrounded by. Whenever something happens, you know that the spirits are involved. It's just that no one believes you. However, there are a few people that take you seriously, and it is this small but close-knit group of friends you are most loyal to. They believe in you and you do them.

What Matrix Persona Are You?

You are Morpheus from "The Matrix."
You have strong faith in yourself and those around you. A true leader, you are relentless in your pursuit.

Which female R&B artist are you?

BEYONCE: Family and love. You treasure both as much as you do your Popeye's fried chicken. You are blessed with many talents and are not afraid to utilize them. You are an emotional person, falling into love dangerously. But you are truly Bonnie to your man's Clyde and are down enough to watch a basketball game with him. Your girls love your playful personality and know that whatever happens, you got their back.

What Color Best Represents Your Personality?

You are Purple.

Purple is the color of royalty, spirituality and wisdom. In tune with yourself, others and surroundings makes for a good thinker. Just be careful not to let it go to your head.

What superhero are you?

HOLY SMOKES BATGIRL! You're one crazy dame. You're a ball of fire, you really know how to turn up the heat while looking good in a cowl. You're not only intelligent, but know your way around computers and all that fun stuff!

What XMen Evolution character are you most like?
You are Rogue! You can't touch people for fear of killing them or injuring them permently, which makes you lonely and insecure. You long for an intimate relationship, but your powers stop you. You like to horseback ride and cook.

The Ultimate Anne Rice Vampire Character Selection - Maharet

What Star Wars Character are you similar to?

You are most like Leia Organa. You are a good strategist, and you always think before you act. You may look weak, but you're actually very tough.

What prophet from the Bible would you have most likely been?
ELIJAH. His name means "My God is Yahweh(Jehovah)."
He was a man of great sacrifice, and true bravery. Elijah challenged 450 priests of Baal, and stood alone against them all. He was a man who gave everything to anyone with need, and didn't ask anything for himself.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.

And that's marriage - with the right person.

You're serious about settling down some time soon.

Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

How Do People See You?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

The Three Question Personality Test

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP)

You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations. You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky.

You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations. It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school.

You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you. You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience.

In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment.

At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur.

With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out.

As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes.

On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

What Age Do You Act?

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

Veggie Pizza

Upscale and trendy. You're the most likely to go for a gourmet pizza. You have impeccable taste in everything. You truly enjoy the finer things in life.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Birthdate: October 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist. A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around. You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you. You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.
Your strength: Your devotion
Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness
Your power color: Lilac
Your power symbol: Heart
Your power month: June

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance.
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm" You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone... Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear. Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.
The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life. You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face. Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

How Are You In Love?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive. And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping. Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well. You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to hog the covers. You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

He's here!!!!

2005-11-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

Date: Sunday - November 6, 2005

Place: Cartoon Network - Adult Swim

Time: 11 pm (EST)

What: Premiere of Aaron McGruder's "Boondocks"

All shucky-ducky! It's on now, y'all.

Secret Mission 4268: The Burn

2005-11-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Cum girl, I'm tryna get your [body] wet

Work that, lemme see you drip sweat

Cum girl, I'm tryna get your [body] wet

Work that, lemme see you drip sweat

- David Banner

That songs makes my hips move! Oh, sorry I got distracted...

I've mentioned in a few entries that I workout with a personal trainer. I actually started two months ago. When I decided to shop for a trainer, I wanted a Black man. I just knew a Black man would be a better partner for me. I wondered if I would be thought a racist when I went into a gym and said, "Yes, I'm looking for information on personal training. Do you have any Black male trainers?" Or I might look desperate and searching for a pick up. But I was convinced that would be the best match for me.

Anyway I decided to check out the gyms near my house. There's a Bally's (I had been a member for over 5 years then decided to stop wasting my money on something I wasn't using), a 24 Hour Fitness, and a small, privately-owned body builder's gym. After visiting all three I decided to go with the body builder's gym. That's right, no flashy, glamourous meat-market gyms for me. I wanted it raw, gritty.

My first consultation was scheduled with the gym manager - a skinny, white woman from New York. She was very nice and attentive. She took all my measurements, looked at my 2-day diet sample I'd been asked to bring, and went over my goals with me. She told me their practice was to assign everyone two trainers just to keep things different and fresh. We set up appointments for the next week and she told me I'd be working with her and Michael.

It's a small gym, there are only five regular trainers and one part-time. My first two sessions I saw guys but I didn't know which one was Michael. At the end of my second session, Laurette says "Since I'm going out of town, you'll be with Michael for the next week and a half. Let me introduce you." She calls out to the floor and in walks... a really tall Black man! Yea!

Now I told you this is a body builder's gym. All the guys are really buff and pretty big, if not all tall. Except Michael. He's by far the tallest (he's at least 6'4" because when he stands behind me, his chin can rest on my head) but he's also by far the skinniest. He has locs that hang to the middle of his back, multiple tattoos (one on his neck says "psycho"), a tongue piercing, a bright smile and a great sense of humor. He plays bass guitar in a band and has a daughter in middle school. And he kicks my a** every week! He pushes me so hard I wanna cry sometimes but he is also very encouraging (he calls me "principal" instead of "teacher").

I watch Micheal eat and drink those protein bars and shakes all the time. And I'm laughing because he's so skinny. Until the other day. We're working on biceps and he says he's going to pace me. He flips off his sweatshirt and BA-DAYUM! I 'bout dropped my 20-pound dumbell. The man's got guns and pecs and muscles and ripples and bulges all over that thin frame!! Who knew all that was going on under there?! (That's when I realized I'd only seen Michael in long sleeves and pants.) He's sitting next to me in a tank top doing curls and I can't take my eyes off him! I still don't know how many reps I did.

So now when we workout and he's sitting or standing behind me to spot I get all flustered. I've also noticed he's wearing tank tops more often in our sessions now. (Laurette thinks it might be on purpose. She's trying to do the hookup thing for him; says she wants to find him a nice woman.) Tonight we were talking and he was telling me he's getting more ink. I wanted so bad to ask him to lift his shirt and show me all his tatoos but I just smiled secretly at him as I enjoyed the fantasy. I think I might have to go check out a show. Maybe he takes his shirt off at those. Oooh-wee! I need to keep my focus... "Remember why you are at the gym... remember why you are at the gym... remember... remember... remember...

All Hallow's Eve

2005-10-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

"well any time, any place, anywhere that I go

all the people seem to stop and stare

they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?

you look so absurd, you look so obscene'"

- Ministry

Confession... I used to be a Goth. Not a full on pale make-up wearing Goth (I did the dark lipstick thing), but I did the fashion. I've always had a penchant for dark colors. Jewel tones, I call them. Royal purple, deep burgundy, sapphire blue, emerald green are all beautiful to me. Even my bedroom growing up was painted navy blue, almost a midnight blue. It was very cave like when I closed the door and I always kept the shades down. But my absolute favorite color is black.

From the time I was old enough to pick out my own clothes I gravitated toward black. In the 80's when everyone was doing the neon thing, I purchased black. What few colors I had in my wardrobe then were gifts from family (mostly my mom trying to counteract I'm sure). My friends knew what color to buy me. So when I finally made it to college, black was it. The only colors I wore were my team uniform - a dreaded crimson and gold. (In high school our colors were black and white, so I was cool.) My sophomore year one of my roommates was from Canada and she was punk. That was the clincher. I just crossed completely over. I did some punk for awhile but then I just pretty much went Goth. Lace, leather, suede, - flowing, draping, silhouette creating styles with cross jewelry accents.

Still today my wardrobe is 95% black (the rest breaks down 2% white, 1% grey, 1% other jewel tones, 1% colors - all pajamas). Yes, I even wear black in the summer. My plethora of shoes? 99% black. I think black is powerful, mysterious, and sexy. When I do wear other colors it's just to emphasize the darkness. My friends have started calling me Morpheus.

Even my bedroom is black and cream. When I feel a little giddy I'll put on burgundy or purple bed sheets. My office furniture is black and glass. My kitchen has all black accents. However, my living room is a combination of cream and chocolate. (I just recently got into that for some weird reason.) I wanted a black car when I purchased a new one a year ago, but alas, they didn't have one in stock. So I got... A deep burgundy one. With black interior. My favorite team is the Raiders - the black and silver, babee! (Which is hell-a hard living in Denver!)

Now some people have tried to read all kinds of things into my fetish.

"You must be depressed."

"Why are you trying to hide?"

"Do you want to blend in? Disappear?"

"Are you trying not to be noticed?"

Hmmmm... haven't you heard? Good [guys] wear black.

Anniversary Celebration(s)

2005-10-29T19:40:00.000-06:00

"Drunk as hell but no throwin up

Half way home and my pager still blowin up

Today I didn't even have to use my A.K.

I got to say it was a good day"

- Ice Cube

Well the birthday week is (almost) officially over. While it wasn't as I expected it was still a good week. The weekend was extra long - 5 days. I was off for fall break the 20th & 21st and I took the actual day of my birth, the 24th, off. Thursday was a day of rest and relaxation. I had a deep conversation with the man I love which has had major ripple effects since (a later post maybe... maybe), so I didn't start the weekend off in the greatest of moods. Friday I continued the rest and relaxation but added a workout with my personal trainer.

Saturday I went to my "nephew's" junior league football game. It was sooooo boring! He is 13 and the league has a mercy rule. Once a team is up by four or more touchdowns, they have to play defense until the other team scores. Or the game ends. Or the game is called. My nephew's team scored their fourth touchdown at the beginning of the 2nd quarter. So there we sit/stand for two quarters waiting for the other team to score. By the end of the 2nd quarter we had put in our 3rd string defense. And the opposing team still couldn't score. For two quarters they couldn't - even - move - the - ball. The biggest yard gain they made was when our defense was penalized for roughing the passer. But they were quickly moved back to the original line of scrimmage.

By the time the referees called the game (our coaches even had the players not in the game strip out of their pads on the sidelines and put on their conference championship t-shirts by then) we had intercepted three or four passes, sacked the quarterback who knows how many times, and recovered four fumbles, only to have to give the ball back and stay on defense. Needless to say by the time it was called - we were waaaaayyyyy ready to go.

We left the field and went to a friend's parent's house. When we walked in the door her mother said, "Let's get this party started!" and the drinks were flowing. One o'clock in the afternoon we're drinking Jaguar Juice. I switched to margaritas because the Jaguar Juice was not tasty enough for me. Around 6pm we moved to a local bar continuing the party and drinking and adding men to the mix. By 11pm I was on my 50-11th margarita and a friend was threatening to buy me tequila shots. (Luckily he was so drunk he forgot what he went to the bar for and didn't get the shots.)

Sunday was church, of course, which we left a little early to go see a musical. The musical was "Ain't Misbehaving" and starred my sista-friend. Six of us attended to show our support and we applauded and hollered to let her know we were there. (It was a dinner playhouse, not the real theater. Although we've hooted and hollered in those places too for her.) After the matinee show, five of us (including her and another cast member) went to dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant - mmm, tiramisu - and back to the cast member's hotel room for more drinks - wine coolers, it was Sunday after all - prior to their evening performance.

Monday I slept in, did some work around the apartment, worked out with my trainer, then went to my sista-friend's (the one from the play) house for a birthday dinner. We had more pasta and birthday cake. And of course, more margaritas! Viva la tequila! It was just some of the sistahood and the kids until her husband came home around 10pm. I got to see and hold my new "nephew" - two weeks old - for the first time. We laughed, talked and had a great time. And I was in bed by 1 am. Yeah, all in all it was a good [few] day[s].

Provoked Thoughts

2005-10-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

Organized Noise does "Thought Provoking Tuesdays" and his latest entry really hit home with what I am currently going through. So instead of answering his questions in an response on his blog, I decided to devote an entire entry here on mine.

1. What kind of love do you want?
I want a comfortable love. The kind of love where we are each other's best friends, confidantes, lovers, playmates, and biggest support. I want a love that I can trust in; one that would never hurt me intentionally and/or irrepairable. I want a love that is undeniable. He knows in his heart, body and soul I am she and I know that he is him. I want a love delivered and sanctioned by God.

2. What has someone done to/for you that made you realize that they love you?
Stopped what he was doing, got down on his knees and prayed for and with me when I was hurting.

3. What have you done to/for someone that made them realize that you love them?
Prayed without ceasing for him.

4. What is the difference between loving someone, and being "in love" with someone?
When you love someone you want to see them prosper and be well. It can be romantic or platonic. When you are "in love" with someone you are romantically involved (or want to be). You want what is best for them and will sacrifice for them. You support them in every way you can, many times putting their needs and desires ahead of your own.

Anniversary

2005-10-24T16:24:00.000-06:00

Today is the 37th anniversary of the day of my birth. It's been a wonderful, full weekend but more on that later. I just wanted to take a minute to mention a few things that reminded me how blessed I am this day (in no particular order):

1. The first voice I heard today was the man I love wishing me "Happy Birthday"...
2. My mom had one of her co-workers show her how to send me an e-card (bless her heart)...
3. My sista-friend called and left me a "Happy Birthday" message at work even though I took the day off...
4. I was able to take the day off and still get paid...
5. Three people texted me "Happy Birthday"...
6. One of my "children" texted me an "I love you" message just because...
7. My best friend got a job offer after only being unemployed for 2 weeks (God answers prayers y'all!)...
8. Another sista-friend invited me over for dinner tonight complete with a birthday cake...
9. My personal training session was free today...
10. I lost 6 more pounds...
11. More importantly I've lost one clothing size and I got guns now (again)!...
12. All my bills are paid and I still have money in the bank...
13. All my bills are paid, I have money in the bank and I have three outstanding consulting fees pending...
14. I have a consulting job on the side...
15. The man I love sent me a birthday cake bouquet...
16. I got more clothes than I know what to do with...
17. I got more shoes than, well, you can never have too many shoes...
18. My sista-friend had a healthy baby boy 10 days ago...
19. I have "family" in a city that isn't "home" and where I knew no one when I arrived...
20. I get to have a new driver's license (and driver's license picture) now...
21. I didn't follow through with the wedding even though it would've been the safe option...
22. I really do love him regardless...
23. I know Jesus, personally...
24. No one can take #23 away from me...
25. I decided to end my hiatus with the choir...
26. We (the choir) have two CD's coming out in December...
27. I've reunited with my father's side of the family...
28. I have my "little" brother back...
29. I know He will bless me with a family of my own someday...
30. He blesses me to be good at what I do everyday...
31. I'm setting up an additional retirement plan...
32. I have my own business...
33. I'm making plans to buy my first home...
34. I have the car of my dreams (it's a Jeep thang, y'all wouldn't understand)...
35. I have the respect of my family and friends...
36. I am His child...
37. I know I am loved today.

Shouting from the Mountaintop

2005-10-21T03:21:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep tonight. He won't let me. I have a word for you...

You found me almost 3 years ago. You came into my life and your words touched me. Your unheard voice held a timbre, a tone, that reached into my heart and took hold. Because I recognized it. Because you recognized me. You were he I had prayed for and I was she. So many times we spoke to and with each other and it was Him speaking through us. Showing up and showing out in our lives. We reached for each other even when we didn't know why or how. We held each other. We supported one another. We loved even when we didn't have the freedom to do so. We have grown together and separately. But we have come back to one another time and time again.

Now we sit on the precipice of our hearts' desire. And we tremble. We tremble because of the awesomeness of God and His continued blessing. We tremble because we fear messing up. We tremble, rightly so, because we are where angels fear to tread - in the glory of the Lord and the manifestation of His love for us. Us - you and me. He loves us so much, He not only gave the ultimate sacrifice, but He continues to give. He continues to bless. He is giving us, us - you and me. A powerful match made in heaven. Brought together by His doing.

You insist on fulfilling the role of Hosea, when He calls you David - a man after His own heart. A man flawed, struggling, but always turning to Him and rejoicing over His goodness. You insist on trying to stand on your own, fight your demons as you see fit. You insist on trying to move and guide things you cannot control. You refuse to let go. To let Him. He has shown you glimpses of what will be, but you do not wait on the Lord. You move, manipulate and rush things and are frustrated because they will not come when you want. But they will come, my love, on His time.

He made me a prophet and a soldier (thank you, Jesus) and He speaks to me, with me and through me. He made you a king and warrior and He wants to use you to protect His prophet. Will you follow Him? Wherever He might lead? However fast or slow He will take you? Will you trust in Him and not lean on your own understanding? Will you fight the battles He has for you and allow Him to vanquish your demons? Will you allow Him to complete a great work in us? Trust Him my King. Trust Him and find peace, blessing and strength in us. Be still and know He is God. And He has shown you favor through me. Take His favor and magnify His name with me.
He deems you worthy.
He deems you worthy.
He deems you worthy.

And I love you.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah to His name.

New Look

2005-10-18T23:07:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday weekend (my birthday is Monday and I'm taking a five day weekend)! So I decided to try a new look. I got this from Tre (thanks, my man). I visited his site and he had some words that touched my soul and expressed exactly how I've been feeling.

But anyway, I will be off as of Thursday and I will endeavor to finally tell you a story. It's been so long since I've actually sat down to write, other than business stuff, but now I've had some inspiration and I think it's time to get it out.

Wish me happy birthday and let me know if you like the redesign of The Command.

Dreaming in Color, Living in Black and White (T's version)

2005-10-16T21:28:00.000-06:00

I have a recurring dream. It doesn't come often, maybe every six months or so but it's always the same. It really isn't even a full dream; more of a dream short. You know those quick 2-3 minute snippets you have just as you're coming out of REM sleep. The ones that don't fade as you reach full consciousness; the ones you can actually remember.

In this dream I am both present and omniscient. In this dream I'm always sleep. I both feel myself and see myself lying in bed on my side asleep. It's morning, the sunlight from outside is illuminating the bedroom. The bedroom is a nice size. Big enough for a queen size bed, dresser, chest, armoire, bedside tables, and a chaise and still there's plenty of room to dance around. There are French doors that lead to a balcony. It even has a fireplace. It could be spring, summer, winter or fall - all I know is the room is comfortable and I am under a down comforter.

As I feel and watch myself wake up I recognize I am happy. I'm not in a rush to get up for work, church or anything. I'm just leisurely waking up. Wherever I have to be this morning, I've got plenty of time to get there. I'm slowly becoming conscious and aware of my surroundings. I feel/see myself start to do that lazy stretch, you know the one, where your body and mind are well rested and ready to get active again. Just as I come out of my stretch I feel him lying behind me.

For a moment I seemed to have forgotten about him; surprised he is there. Then I remember, he's my husband. (But I don't ever see his face.) His right arm wraps around me as he presses against my back. I feel the warmth of his breath on my nape just before the touch of his lips. But before I can get excited about that I get my second surprise. His right hand is resting on my abdomen. My distended abdomen which moves beneath his touch. Then I remember that too; we're having a baby.

He snuggles against me pulling me closer to him. His hand absently moves across me, following the small kicks of his child. It's our morning routine. It's how we wake up. I feel/see myself smiling as I relax back into him and the pillow, content to lie there a little while longer. The omniscient me begins to pull back, leave the dream, as I realize not only am I happy, but I feel loved, cherished and fulfilled.

It feels so real, so right. Until I wake up. Then I realize it was only a dream and I am really alone in my bed (except for my purple teddybear). When I wake up fully the feelings leave and I find myself depressed for days.

Artwork by WAK

Jacked It!

2005-10-15T20:36:00.000-06:00

Everyone else is doing it . . . why not me? I jacked this one from ORGANIZED NOISE who jacked it from DAZZLE ME who jacked it from XQUIZZYT1. Enjoy...

LAST...
Movie you watched: The Gospel
Movie you bought: Ray
Song you listened to: "Missing You" by Case
CD you bought: Sign O' The Times - Prince
CD you listened to: My own compilation entitled - "Love Songs I"
Person you've called: him
Person that's called you: My sister - Dionne
TV show you watched: Cold Case Files on A&E

DO...
You have a crush on someone: Oh, yeah! Most definitely!
You wish you could live somewhere else: Umm, not really. Unless you count wanting to own my home.
You believe in online dating: Yes.
Others find you attractive: Yes.
You want more piercings: No.
You like roller coasters : Oh, yeah! Most definitely!
You write in cursive or print: Print - and all caps at that.

FOR OR AGAINST...
Long distance relationships: Not sure.
People: For some; against others.
Gay/lesbian relationships: Don't know. Never been in one. For real? Yes - everybody needs love.

HAVE YOU...
Ever cried over a boy: Yes.
Ever cried over a girl: Yes.
Ever lied to someone: No. (Okay, so that's a lie.)
Ever been in a fist fight: Umm-hmm.

WHAT...
Shampoo do you use: Pantene for Women of Color
Shoes do you wear: All. Size 10. Please send more...
Are you scared of: Statues. Don't ask.

NUMBER...
of times I have been in love? : Not sure anymore.
I have had my heart broken? : None yet. First time might be on the horizon, though.
of hearts I have broken? : Don't know; don't hang around long enough.
of times my name has appeared in the paper? : Can't count that high. All-City, All-State athlete in three sports for four years in high school. Who's yo' Mama now?!
of things in my past that I regret? : Zero - I learned (or covered up) from all of them.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
Pretty : Cute, not pretty.
Funny : Nope.
Hot : Yep.
Friendly : Not particularly.
Amusing : I amuse myself all the time.
Ugly : Cute, not ugly.
Loveable : That remains to be seen. But Jesus loves me!
Caring : Yes.
Very Sweet: Hahahahahahaha! Not hardly; you obviously haven't met me.
Dorky : Why you asking? Because I wear glassses and read comic books and watch Cartoon Network, A&E and TLC? Huh, what you trying to say?

FAVORITE...
4 letter word : Daaaaayum!
Actor/actress : I can't narrow it down to one - Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, Ludacris, Terrance Howard, Harold Perrineau, Lawrence Fishburn, Mickey Rourke, Nicolas Cage...
Cartoon : What's with all the hard questions?! I CAN'T narrow it down - Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Family Guy, Ed, Edd & Eddy, Justice League, Batman...
Cereal : Okay, you really have to stop with the difficult questions! I CAN'T NARROW IT DOWN! Frosted Mini Wheats, Honeynut Cheerios, Rice Chex, Captain Crunch, AppleJacks, Frosted Flakes...
Chewing gum : Extra Winterfresh
Color(s) : Black
Day of the week : Tuesday
Least fave day : Wednesday - quickly becoming Thursday, though. That dayum principal's class!
Flower : Black Orchid
Jelly flavor : Grape
Jewelry : All
Summer/Winter : Summer

WHO LAST...
Slept in your bed : Hahahahahahahaha! Besides me? No one. Now I'm mad.
Saw you cry : him
Made you cry: him
Yelled at you : him
Sent you an email: Elverta

HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I love you" and meant it? : Yes
Kept a secret from everyone : Yes, even from myself and I'm still trying to get me to tell me. "Tell me!" "No!" "Come on! Tell me." "Nope - not gonna."
Cried during a movie : Yes.
Planned your week based on the TV : Uh, no - that's my sister Dionne.
Been backstage : Yes
Been to New York : No - still waiting on an invite. hint hint
Been to California : Yes
Hawaii : No
China : No
Canada : No
Europe : Yes
Asia : No
South America : No
Africa : No

This or That?...
Apples or bananas? : Pomogranates
Blue or red? : Purple
Walmart or Target? : Walmart
Spring or Fall? : Spring
What are you gonna do after you finish this? : Probably go to bed and touch myself. Just kidding! (Maybe...)
Was the last meal you ate? : Collard greens and pork chops.
Are you bored? : No, but I gotta headache from all those hard questions!
Last noise you heard? : My nails on the keyboard.
Last smell you sniffed? : Salsa

Friendship/Love...
Do you believe in love at first sight? : Love, no. Lust, yeah.
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? : Yes - one set of twins. (That would equal two.)
Most important thing to you in a friendship is : Loyalty.

Other Info ...
Do you speak any other languages? : Yes
Last book you read? : Something boring for school. Oh wait! Shopgirl! I read Shopgirl!
Thing in your bedroom you like? : My bed.
Your Nickname(s) : "T"- my sister; "Tone" - my brothers; "Tonee C" - my papa; "Hey you" - my other friends; "Miss" - my students; "Babee" - all the old people at church.
Initials : AMC (Yeah, like the movie theater - you got something smart to say, huh? I didn't think so!)
How old do you look? : Old enough.
How old do you act? : Not old enough.
Glasses/Contacts : Glasses
Braces : No
Do you have any pets? : Nope
You get embarrassed : Yes
What makes you happy? : God, licorice, sleep, and him.
What upsets you? : God, not being able to eat licorice, not getting sleep, and him. Oh, and mistreating a child.

Finish the sentence...
I Love to... sleep.
I Miss... him.
I Want to be... Queen of a small, rich, self-sustaining, tropical country.
I'd Never... say never.
I Am Tired of... working with idiots.
I Will Always... work with idiots.

Secret Mission Number 4080

2005-10-12T19:21:00.000-06:00

So I'm miserable right now. I'm hating my job. I'm hating walking in the place because there is so much taking my focus away from what I love to do - work with the babies. The testosterone/estrogen enraged, over-stimulated, short-sighted, knuckle-headed, parents-are-babies-themselves-so-they-don't-know-how-to-raise-babies, 13 and 14 year old babies. MY babies. In a staff of almost 40, my principal has 7-8 people he puts everything on and works our nerves on a daily basis, while the rest of those MF don't even do the bare minimum to keep anybody's job.

One of the things taking away my focus is I am enrolled this school year in a principal preparation program. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I signed up to become a principal and get my license. I'm thinking I don't wanna be anybody's principal, I wanna go back into the classroom full time next year, but better to have it and not use it, then need it and not have it. (Actually I've been thinking a lot about starting my own charter school rather than deal in the district politics, but it's just a *nagging* thought right now.) But I digress.

I have a big paper - my first project of the program - due tomorrow and tonight will be a late night getting it done. Now because the district is in partnership with the university, we get released half days on Thursdays to attend class. So I go to work, teach my two classes then raise up around noon to sit in class from 1-7 pm every Thursday. Since I have to turn in my paper tomorrow I decided to take a sick day tomorrow, stay up late tonight and finish the paper, sleep in tomorrow before going to class at 1 pm. Enter secret mission #4080.

We have a power issue in our building. The school secretary thinks (and on many occasions demonstrates) that she has all the power. To the point that she does not want teachers to make their own arrangements for substitutes. Now check this... the district spends thousands, possibly a million, dollars a year to run an online/automated substitute finder system for teachers. As teachers we are responsible (according to the district) to make arrangements for our own subs in case of absence. A lot of school secretaries will do it if for you if it's a pre-scheduled absence, but if you wake up at midnight barfing all over your purple teddybear, it's up to you to request a substitute via the system.

Except at my school (let's call it Unhappy Middle School). At UMS the secretary wants to handle all substitute requests. Why? Because there are 4-5 substitutes she only wants to give jobs to. So if someone needs a sub, she calls these 4-5 people and keeps them employed pretty much full-time if they so desire. Now I'm not really unhappy that you have a pool that's exclusively dedicated to the building and our kids. That's quite alright. But what if none of them want to work?

Oh, then we have a problem, Houston. Because instead of using the district substitute finder to access hundreds of other people, gurlfriend just doesn't fill the request. So what does that mean? That means she and the other office staff spend the whole day asking teachers on their planning and/or lunch periods to cover the absent teacher's classes. Did I hear somebody (Dee Dee) say "Crack kills!"

Yep, that's right! Teachers who are already teaching a full load and have other duties are asked to give up their planning or lunch to cover a class for 45 minutes and $19.74 (not even a very good year, okay?!). But there's more, ladies and gentlemen. Most classes are 90-minutes long, however there no teachers who's schedule allow them to cover a full 90-minute block. So one teacher covers the first 45-minutes and a second teacher comes in for the second 45-minutes. But before that happens the kids wait in the hall for 10, 15, 20 minutes until a teacher can be found to cover the class. And then they might be told to go to another classroom (the covering teacher's classroom) only to be moved at the end of that 45-minutes back to the original classroom or the second teacher's classroom. Do you see an interruption to the learning process going on here? And did I mention that sometimes nobody shows up and the kids just sit there, teacher-less, monitoring themselves. (This mostly occurs with the 45-minute electives. One of which I also teach.)

Now the secretary will tell anyone who listens that she "just can't get substitutes in the building!" But most of know that she's not really trying to go beyond her "precious pool." So I'm trying an experiment. I left today, knowing I will not be going in tomorrow, but did not tell anyone. (Okay I let two people in on it because I wanted them to know about the experiment. They will keep the secret.) I left sub plans, but took my keys like I normally would. I came home and just completed the online request for a sub putting it in as a sick day. I was even able to request a former colleague who I know can relate to and handle my kids.

My hypothesis is... a substitute will pick up the job and show up tomorrow to work for me. I will get flack on Friday when I return for being responsible and getting my own coverage, but I will play dumb saying "I didn't know I was going to need a sub until after I got home and didn't feel well. So I just put in the request like I've always done when I'm sick. I assumed it the same all over the district when you're sick, you're supposed to use the subfinder system. My bad." But I will have proved my theory that we're being shafted because someone doesn't want to change her ways.

Now I'm about to go enjoy my cornbread and collard greens, finish my brilliant paper and go to bed. I'll let you know how it all turns out this weekend. Peace!

Guest Appearance II

2005-10-11T22:14:00.000-06:00

I belong to two (used to be three) online groups and have met many talented writers. And while enjoy most of the writing of my favorites, sometimes I identify with a piece so much I add it to my electronic writer's notebook - the place where I do my own writing. Now that I have this spot, I'm going to use it to spotlight some of the great talent I have come across over the years. Think of it as Tonee C.'s Poetry / Writer Spot.

This artist I'm about to share has been in my life for almost three years now. He amazes me not only with what comes out of his pen but also what comes out of his mouth regularly. He was the first person to inspire me to freestyle poetry because, as you will see, his words are easy to freestyle to. He has the ability to tap into emotions, feelings, desires with a precision that leaves you no choice but to respond. I saved this poem he sent to me; I don't even know if he plans to publish it, but if it winds up somewhere know that it belongs to Chrome*. After intense, labored negotiations I finally obtained his consent to post his original work and I want to introduce him to some and present him to others here. Ladies and gentlemen - Chrome*.

Talk to me...
You better let me know something
open your mouth and let your words
pour down over me.
If it's good to you act on it.
ride on it drip on it.
cum on it.
Speak on it.

While I strum on it with my tongue
speaking in tongues while I'm speaking on you.
Laying my language
in layers between your legs.
If you like what I said,
Talk to me...

I take instruction well so
teach me how to pronounce "pussy"..."please".
Fuck. Suck.
Tease and Thank you...
Spank you for forgetting my name
so let me remind...
(you) again.
again.
say it again... (don't stutter this time)
Talk to me...

tell me how you like it
how you want it
how you love it
how good I fuck it
where it hurts
and I'll kiss it
flip it and stick it
and make it
better than before.
whore.
be one now
for a little while
take it doggy style
Talk to me...

say "baby. behind me."
If i act like I forgot myself
then baby, remind me.
act like you know
what my name is
and teach your neighbors
the correct way to say it.
while you replay it
again and again in your screams and creams and later your dreams
and keep sayin' "ooh shit!" till I know what that means.
Talk to me...

Yeah I want it.
Yeah I love it
yeah it's good... and yeah I heard... it's mine
in your whine.
meantime, tell me something I don't know
Talk to me...

confess every secret you ever had
tell me you've been bad

or I will dig it out of you
your every sin spills from your lips
again and again while I rip till it drips
and drips
and say...
Say my name once again
and translate it into cumspeak
and come speak wit' me
come freak wit' me
cum frequently...
it's deep when we listen
to each others deep desires
tongues of fire
goin' untamed
unashamed
sayin' any thang

just don't say stop...
Talk to me.

Chrome* ~ October 13, 2003

just because...

2005-10-07T23:11:00.000-06:00

(Inspired by him)

Just because I miss you so much...

It's late. I just got back from a movie with my friends. It wasn't a great movie but I am happy it made it to the big screen. As I sat there I wanted you to be sitting beside me so I could lean over and say, "Oh yeah, I'm writing a screenplay because it can't be worse than this," or "Okay, you write the script and I'll direct because it can't be worse than this." I wanted you beside me. Just because I miss you so much.

I thought, maybe, after we finally had our time together the craving would be satisfied. I wouldn't need the fix of you as much. But it backfired; the craving now tries to consume me. My bed has never felt so empty; my life so isolated. There is so much I want to share with you. I find myself looking for you in everything. Just because I miss you so much.

I knew it was only for a weekend. I knew it was to be "no strings attached." Now I realize "Oops, I left something there." You gave me a wonderful memory to pull out and dust off when the nights become lonely. But the pain of loss overshadows the joy of our time together. I can't bear to reminisce yet. Just because I miss you so much.

I want to call you, but I can't. It's late. You're busy. I should be busy. The strings need to be cut. Our worlds, our lives, pull us farther apart. But I keep looking back... hoping you will too. Just because I miss you so much.

Mission 5 Report - "187"

2005-10-01T20:49:00.000-06:00

I came home from my bi-coastal weekend business trips (missions 2-4) to a world of mess. My students had acted pure-d fools (as grandmomma says) and I had to determine and distribute consequences. (It was almost enough to watch them slink into class Wednesday morning, throwing covert glances at me, waiting for me to blow. Almost...) It's a work in progress as they owe me 4.5 hours and I've only cashed in 45 minutes so far. But that was just the beginning.

I had an email from the security guard at the school I taught at for 4 years prior to my current position. It said he had sad news and wanted me to call him. Immediately I thought "Oh, goodness something's happened to one of the girls!" He has four girls, two of whom I taught in 8th grade. We became very close, both call me "Mom" and asked me to be in their Quinceaneras. The second daughter's Quinceanera ended up being cancelled and she has since had a baby (this past July). So I'm thinking "it's one of the girls or the new baby" when I pick up the phone to call. It was neither. One of my former students, currently a high school senior, had been shot and killed over the weekend.

I've been teaching six years and this is the second student I've lost. The first is actually on trial for murder. He is also 18 years old. If convicted he will most likely face the death penalty - being young, male and hispanic. But this is my first death. And I wonder how many more will I face before I retire in 20+ years. For the rest of the week, I received phone calls from other students in his class. Most of them separated when they went to high school, but they continued to keep in touch. Suddenly all of them wanted to talk to me. So I spent hours on the phone listening to different reactions and grief processes as I tried to understand my own reaction.

The funeral was today. A graveside service held at 11 am. Under the bright, warm (a smidge away from hot) Colorado sun, stood 50-75 teenagers. Football players - his teammates, big and buff for their ages, but wearing black suit jackets that were still two sizes too big. Their girlfriends, hair done up and sprayed like they were going to a dance, standing beside them ackwardly holding them as they all, eventually, broke down and cried. Parents, guardians, adults who knelt beside them when it became too much and they simply sat collapsed on the grass.

For the first half of the service I stood on the south side of the crowd and watched my students from across the casket. I watched aware they didn't realize I was there, and let them console each other as the eulogies were given. Before I approached them I had to make sure I was in control - able to hold them up. As the musical portion of the service began I made my way around to the north side toward my kids. I only made it half-way before one saw me and broke out in a near run. When I let her go, seven others were there waiting. I embraced each of them in turn then we stood under the tree - me in the middle of a tight, impromptu circle. Each one making sure they were at least close enough that, if we weren't touching, we could at least feel each other's body heat.

See the kid that died was my student, but he wasn't one of my children. I taught him (as well as his brother and sister) and we had a good relationship. I went to his baptism (he became saved in 8th grade along with his sister) and we talked about things other than school. But I didn't really take him into my heart. He was like a family friend - close, but not family. The seven who surrounded me today - Lilliana, Lydia, Ivan, Estella, Robert, Bridgette, and Ray - were my children. I love them like my own (at least that's what I imagine not having my own yet). And I kept thinking "Thank you, Jesus - it wasn't one of them" and "Oh God, they're so close - let them get out. Let them make it, Lord."

Today I watched my children release green and white balloons with messages for their friend written on them. Today I watched 18 doves (one for each year he lived) fly away as a symbol of his journey into eternal life. Today I told the one child living on the edge (Ivan) "Don't make me go through this with you." Today I watched one of my students lowered into the grave. And I wondered - how many more times will I have to witness this?

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was: there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well."

-Harry Scott Holland, 1847-1915

Canon of Saint Paul's Cathedral

Mark Anthony David Johnsen

May 22, 1987 - September 25, 2005

Mission 1 Report - Operation "Gin"

2005-09-30T20:04:00.000-06:00

Has it been two whole weeks? Wow! It has. It will be two weeks ago Saturday that I went to visit my ex-fiance to call it quits, "gin," "fin." It was an adventure and an emotionally exhausting day.

Adventurous because for the first time instead of driving an hour and a half to northern Colorado, I took a church shuttle bus. Eighteen people, mostly women and children (3 men, including the driver, served as escorts) on a shuttle bus driving up the highway. I took my iPod and my homework thinking I'd multi-task on the trip but I ended up sleeping most of the way.

Whenever I go to the prison I am always struck at how good and sad it is to be there. I watch women and children, ranging in age from newborn to 10, visiting husband/fiance/boyfriend and daddy. One second I'm thinking, "That's great he gets to see his kids" or "That's good they get to see their daddy" and the next I'm thinking "How sad for your kids to see you in a prison uniform" or "How does that effect you seeing your daddy in a prison uniform?"

But I digress... so after the pat down and going through four sets of locked doors like a mouse in a maze I'm walking into the visiting room still trying to decide how and when to start the "official breakup" conversation. We've got six hours before visiting is over and I can get back on the bus. Do I wait until the end so we have a decent visit playing card games? Do I launch in at the beginning and risk a hella-fied long visit? Or do I start somewhere around hour 3?

The small talk lasted not quite an hour. Then he said something like, "Blah, blah, blah... when we have a baby." Ssssccccurrrrrtttt! Dang! Now I gotta say it.
"We're not having a baby."
"What? Why?"
"We're not going to be together."
"Why not?"
"Because we're not compatible."

And so it began. A long - hours long - painful conversation about how we don't work as a couple and there are too many unfulfilled needs on both sides. He wants to know exactly how we're not compatible and when I explain, he backpedals and says he can be / do all those things.

"I can go to church. I don't have to play basketball on Sunday mornings..."
"I can be the spiritual head of the household if that's what you need..."
"I am proud of you and how successful you are..."
"I can get use to your traveling for business..."
I can, I can, I will, I will...

I'm tired. And frankly, I don't buy it. There it is... out in the open. I don't believe him. I don't know why he wants to hang on so tight; why he wants to stay together. When we were together on the outside he didn't act as if he cared that much. I had convinced myself because of the way he acted, the other women, the sometime apathy, the lies, he didn't really love me as much as he said he did. Or the way he said he did. So I was very surprised when he took it so hard.

"Are you mad?" *Me incredulous.*
"Yes!"
"You are?! Are you hurt?" *still incredulous*
"Yes."
"You are?!" *really incredulous*

I know, not my most sensitive moment. But as I sat there and watched his face, my heart broke because his was breaking. So I did the only thing I could without going backwards, I offered friendship (that led to a philosophical discussion about friendships between males and females) and I told him I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I told him we both deserved someone who would love us the way we deserved to be loved and we didn't need to just settle.

It was hard. It was exhausting. And I almost caved. But I knew in my heart what I need, what I want and what I deserve. I really do hope we can be friends because I think he's a good man, but if not, I wish him well and pray for him much.

Secret Mission of a Diva

2005-09-29T12:10:00.000-06:00

"It's been a long time..."

Yeah, the Diva Commander had to step away and handle a secret mission or two (or three or four - she's lost count now). Okay so they weren't so secret as I am about to divulge them for you here. But be warned, if you tell anyone I WILL have you killed and disavow any knowledge of your existence. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Most times when my world gets crazy I just go into action mode. I soldier up and handle what needs to be handled at that time. Processing comes later. That's what I'm coming out of now. I've been acting, now it's time to process. So look for it this weekend; I plan to regale you with my exploits, giving you enough fodder to light your imagination and fuel your fantasies until Christmas. Just let me get out of my diva uniform and get comfortable before I file my mission reports.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world - who left my control room such a mess?! Those dang wanna-be divas, can't leave them alone for a minute!

P.S. I just have to say quickly, him and I finally met up in person and my world will never be the same again. More on that later.

Why Y'all Ain't Say Something!?!

2005-09-15T21:06:00.000-06:00

It's a wonderful feeling when you receive confirmation of how much you are loved. I mean we know, most times, how our family and family-friends feel about us but when you get those moments of clear revelation it feels good. Those moments when you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they will do anything for you and only let you fall so far. My latest moment came a couple of weekends ago.

My "adopted" parents had a party. It was a housewarming / end of softball season (4 time champions, babee!!) / church family / labor day / fish fry. Shoot, it was probably someone's birthday too. Oh, and it was opening weekend for college football - with the biggest game in town University of Colorado vs Colorado State University (thus the picture of everyone gathered around the big screen).

But unlike the guests I was summoned out early to help with the preparations. So there I am, making lemonade at the sink when my "grandmoma" says "Is something missing?" I'm thinking, No, Momma E... it's CountryTime - just add water but I say "M'am?" She repeats, "I said is something missing?" "What Momma E?" "Where am I looking?"

And that's when I realized she was looking at my left ring finger. See just a couple of months ago I, in a rush of rejection and resignation, finally said yes to my boyfriend's repeated request to marry him. I then promptly announced it to family and friends. But shortly after (we're talking hours, peeps) I knew it wasn't right. So I started thinking about how to extricate myself. I thought I'd wait about 6 months then say we decided things wouldn't work out. While I took the ring off officially, for weeks I would make sure I was wearing it whenever I thought I'd see family and/or friends. But labor day weekend I didn't feel like continuing the fraud. I thought no one would notice at the party so I just didn't put it on before I left the house.

Leave it to grandmas to see err'thang! And I couldn't lie to her. So I said, "Yeah, I took it off." "Took it off?" "Yeah. For good." "For good?" "For good." And I waited for the reaction, for the questions, for the admonishments. "Well, HALLELUJAH!" Huh, Momma E? "I knew he wasn't the one! I was only gonna let it go for only so long. I not letting anyone mess with my children. Lord, knows! I love my children and if you ain't right for them - you ain't right. I talked to people who knew and I knew he wasn't right for you..." You get the idea. I look over and my Momma is smiling, my Poppa is smiling, Daddy L (Momma E's man friend) is smiling and I'm like Why y'all ain't say something?!

So the day goes on and the word spreads. So much so that even around 6 pm when the latest wave of people come through (party started at 2, y'all - colored people), the recently arrived minister of music says, "T... heard you moving on, gurl. Well, change is good. If it ain't working, stop the bleeding." Huh?! Why y'all ain't say something?!

Later in the evening , just the "family" sitting around. My best sista-friend passes the word on to the other sistas. She is practically shouting she's so happy I've called it off. While everyone else is asking "What happened? When?" she's just sitting there glowing and beaming. Again Why Y'ALL ain't say something?!

So now I'm laughing my dang self because I'm imagining standing at the altar, the minister asking if anyone objects and my crazy "family" cueing up in the aisle to state their case. Or the other alternative, being kidnapped the week before my wedding and held hostage until I came to my senses or he gave me up for dead. Family, y'all... What we gon' do wit 'em? Why they ain't say something?!

Thanks mi familia - I love y'all too.

Back in Black

2005-09-15T20:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back. Actually been back since Sunday, at work bright and early on Monday. Things went well back east as they always do. It was absolutely wonderful to be surrounded by a large group of educators who are passionate about what they do and their kids. I love it! One lady asked me to come work in their district and honestly, after my first training trip back in the summer, I said to myself "I could work here fo' real!"

I know every district has its issues, problems, etc but it just seems to me if you have teachers who genuinely want to teach, are called to teach, are passionate about teaching, like the students they teach all that other ish can be overcome. And that's what I feel when I go to B-more to train.

I wish I could say things went well while I was gone, but at least I can say things didn't blow up. My kids did well but they were left out in the cold - no substitute, so they got shifted around (one class was completely left alone). But they handled themselves well. And I'm proud of them.

But that's not really why I picked up the pen (or keyboard, in this case) tonight, I think. Something is bubbling inside me and I'm not really sure what it is. It may be that Saturday I'm going to visit my ex-fiance and we have to make it official. He's in denial but it's time to lay all the cards on the table and say "gin." Even though I am 68000% sure we do not work as a romantic couple its still a little sad to say "fin." I mean, I was seriously going to spend the rest of my life with the man. But it didn't work out. He's still a good man; just not good for me.

Or it could be him. Oh yes! You knew there was a him (or another him some might say). But believe me when I say he was not the reason for my decision. At least not directly. I mean I didn't decide not to marry because of him. But he did make me realize I want, need and deserve more. There was a time when I hoped I could find it with him, but now I feel that waning. And I'm not sure if its me, him or us. But I feel it fading. And that's sad too because we were making arrangements to finally come together. Oh, well, what u gon' do?

I feel restless. Like something is about to happen, something has got to happen. I feel unsettled. A storm is just beyond the horizon and the landscape will be much different when it passes over. Some relationships may still be standing while others will just be fond memories of what was and what could have been.

Gettin' the Heck Outta Dodge!

2005-09-07T21:30:00.000-06:00

My Minister of Music at church has a saying whenever someone is irritating him or flaking out on him. He says, "I'm going to write a book. The title will be 'Niggas will lie to you if you let them'." But that's another post for maybe another time.

It is the fourth week of school and a sista is stressed to the max! I seriously think I bit off more than I can chew this time, so I'm drinking water, chewing and swallowing as fast as I can to keep from choking.

My room is a mess. My planning is last minute. My class is full to capacity. People are dropping by my door asking me for information on everything from curriculum to "Where are the janitors?" Like I'm supposed to know that shyt! My principal, while not as much ghost as he was last year, is still not all there.

But, hallelujah! I'm leaving on a red eye tomorrow night for the east coast to do my second love and relatively new second job. I will be training a group of teachers on the curriculum I teach and I am excited to just get away. I don't even care I'll be arriving at 5 am EST. I'll be away for the weekend, able to leave the chaos behind.

At least until Monday...

On the not so chaos tip, I've been working out with a personal trainer for almost 4 weeks now and my body is beginning to feel like my body again. When I went shopping for trainers, I contemplated asking for a brotha. But when I went I met the manager, a white woman, who was really helpful and set up my consultation. It turns out they assign you to two trainers so you can change up your workout. My second trainer just happens to be a brotha and he kicks my a** at least once a week! I mean this man tortures me! But he also is very encouraging and helpful. I think I might make him my main trainer.

Hey, I'm single and I'm feeling good. Better things may just start happening in my love life now.

Facets

2005-09-05T11:45:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation the other day with God. We talked about facets. The many facets of a person. I think I knew everyone has facets that comprise who they are, but I just hadn't thought of it in the way He described it.

I have been struggling within my relationship for some time now and I couldn't put my finger on why. Then God spoke to me - I'm not able to share who I am with my current significant other. I'm not able to share all the facets of who I am. And that got me to thinking - who am I? What are the different parts (facets) of my personality that make me, me? Who is Tonee?

The largest part of me is my faith. Yeah, I go to church weekly, I'm in several auxilaries and I'm well known in a medium size church but it's more than just the motions of belonging to a church for me. God is my best friend - we communicate hourly. When I say "Hallelujah!" because one of my students finally caught on, I actually mean "hallelujah" as in "praise the Lord for His goodness." If I utter "Oh my God" then I really mean "Isn't He amazing in what He does" or "Only You can help us with this one, Lord." And my faith led me to the second largest part of my life - teaching.

Because of my relationship with God I have embarked on the last career of my life - teaching. I will be a teacher until I retire, and who knows I might start some kind of non-profit tutoring / kid outreach center after I retire. (Or I just might work as a substitute.) For me teaching is not a career but a mission or a ministry and I do it because He asked me to. And He has blessed me abundantly for it.

I am also meant to be some man's helpmeet. I just don't know who yet. But I know that is my role, to be his wife, his fervent supporter, his best friend, his lover, his confidant, the protector of his heart, the mother of his children, and the warrior woman by his side.

I am a big sister, by blood and spirit. I am an aunt. I am a granddaughter, a daughter, a cousin, a friend, and a mentor. I am a lover of the erotic and sensual. I am a ex-athlete, sports fanatic. I am a voracious reader and fledgling writer. I am a science fiction lover and movie buff. I am a techno geek (or wanna be techno geek). I am a jokester and a goof ball. I am an organizer and planner. I am a singer, producer, director, photographer, and artiste. I am generous and a spoiled-brat. I am a shop-a-holic with a shoe fetish. I am a control freak who just might want a dominant man. I am a go getter who likes to lounge in bed all day at least once or twice a month. I am a future world traveler.

And I deserve a significant other who appreciates and supports all my facets just as I appreciate and support all his.

I want you

2005-09-03T09:26:00.000-06:00

I want you to make love to me
Kiss me tenderly
Press your full, soft lips against mine until I open in response
Let your tongue savor the texture and taste of mine
Kiss me deeply
So deeply my hands have no choice but to find their way into your locs
Lay your nakedness on mine
Feel the heat of my skin invade yours
Caress the fullness of my breasts
Hold their weight as your mouth discovers the flavor of my nipples
Suckle me with the full breth of your tongue
And when my nipples are at their peak
Tickle them with the tip
Massage the fullness of my hips
As you move lower to savor my flavor
Make my hips rise against the onslaught of your feast
And when the pressure becomes almost too much to bear
Slide back up my body bringing a trail of wetness
Allow me to taste myself on you
Kiss me deeply
Delve into softness of my mouth as your hardness touches the heat of my entrance
Press into me slowly
Slow enough so I can map every millimeter of your length
Open me fully
Stretch me wide
Until we are sealed together completely
So completely we must break our kiss to exhale
Then rest there
Rest there and look deeply in my eyes
Feel our heartbeats sync together at our joining
Then move slowly with me - allowing us to touch each other fully
Build with me as we reach for the pinnacle of our desire
Ride the ebb and flow of our joining
Let our slow push and pull at each other take us to the edge
Cum with me - molten, sputtering, life-creating orgasm
And after the tension has been released
Allow yourself to shudder in my arms
Feel me continue to wrap myself around you, holding you with all I have
Loving you
For making love to me

copyright pending september 2005 - toneec42

Frustration vs Fatigue

2005-09-01T23:14:00.000-06:00

I was talking with a gentleman friend tonight and I jokingly asked him to be my baby's daddy. Except the joke was on me because I didn't realize how much I meant it until he shot me down. It surprised me how much his rejection hurt because I thought I had prepared myself for the possibility that he doesn't care for me the way I care for him and/or he doesn't have the same desires for us as I do. But I guess I hadn't...

My life has been unsettled, to say the least, lately. I've gone through some enlightening and not so easy situations. Only to come out (or begin coming out) a little battered, a lot bruised and very fatigued. Except my friend spoke to me and said maybe it's not fatigue I feel but frustration. Frustration because I'm "not enjoying the journey for being overly concerned about arriving at the destination." Those were the words he used and what I heard was "you're being a spoiled brat who's too focused on what you'll get in the end, rather than enjoying what God is giving you now."

We had that conversation a couple of weeks ago and I've been praying and meditating on it ever since. At first I was angry - how dare you tell me I'm not tired when I know how I feel! Then I went through confusion - am I really that selfish and spoiled? Now I'm just numb - I'll just let whatever happens happen and I won't dare hope or pray for what I desire.

Except I forgot that tonight. I forgot to not hope and I opened my mouth and spoke my heart's desire and I got put back in my place. So I sit here alone, the only way I know how to be anymore, and I'm fatigued or frustrated or spoiled or hurt or angry or... I don't know anymore. So I go through the motions - wobbling back and forth on the edge, waiting for something to give. Trying with everything I have to not overreach; to be still. Trying to take it a step at a time.

Peace be still.

Guest Appearance III

2005-08-31T21:20:00.000-06:00

So here's another artist who's work I admire and respect. I knew I wanted to post something in my [blog] world by her but I was having a difficult time choosing. That is until I read this. I hope you enjoy. This, ladies and gentlemen, is nimah_soul.

P.S. Oh, and by the way I didn't misprint. I know this is Guest Appearance III and you haven't seen Guest Appearance II. But I'm still in negotiations with that artist. If we're blessed he'll acquiesce and share his genius with us.

Guilty-

Driving towards a 3 way intersection unsure of which road to take. Knowing I'll have to leave 2 behind no matter which turn I make. I'm anxious to let go but my mind is so fucked up, and my body says no. My heart is a whirlwind of confusion , my desires constantly scream out for attention. I just don't know who, what, where or when..but then again, how could I even begin, to choose.

I'm guilty of falling for him regardless of his situation. I knew he couldn't touch me when I needed to be touched. I knew he couldn't hold me at times I needed to be held so much. I knew he couldn't hold me down and be my crutch. He couldn't because he was too dependent on me. He needed me to be his woman until he was set free. And even then he needed me to help him on his feet. He needed to give me all the things he'd promised me. He needed to feel like a man. This man needed me...and I gave him everything. But now I'm guilty of accepting his ring...
...knowing that I'd fallen in love with man number 2.

This man was like a new found religion. He gave me stability, security, leadership and a vision. I wanted his knowledge and his intensity, I wanted his ambition and diversity. I desired his spirit inside of me. I loved everything about him as he did everything about me. And it was so good. But I went into it with deception and contradiction, my intentions misunderstood. I knew that what we had was harmonic, yet had no rhythm or rhyme. I knew it was a temporary flame that would be blown out over time. I knew this man could never be mine. But all he knew was that he loved me unconditionally. He tried to teach me the meaning of having options, and why an option he would never be. The deeper I fell, the harder it became to pull myself out. I am guilty of acknowledging my love for him, yet being so consumed with doubt...
...then I'm guilty of falling for man number 3.

A past love resurfacing, haunting me until I gave in. A man with many faces, begging me to believe in him. And of course I did. He was like candy and I was like a kid. I held on tight, embracing his newness. I enjoyed the familiarity and his boldness. I loved being with a man I could possess. The way he cared for me, the way he made love to me, almost made me forget he was man number 3. Almost made me forget it was all he'd ever be. And as I fought for this thing as much as I could, I felt the noose tighten around my neck. I struggled to use him up and pull him as close as he could possibly get. But even in suffocating I realized that I was guilty of killing a friendship. But now it's too late because in reality... after the pain and heartbreak this man would never be a friend to me.

...so I am guilty of putting 3 men in compromising positions. I am guilty of giving myself to each one under unforgivable conditions. But even more than that, I'm guilty of not trusting myself enough to make responsible decisions. Still I continue to drive through this fog of ignorance, blindly and unknowing of what awaits me in the distance.

By Nimah_Soul

Someone Finally Found Me!

2005-08-29T19:01:00.000-06:00

Someone finally found my blog, made a comment, and tagged me! Thanks Nameliar! So here we go...

Seven things I plan to do before I die...

1. Visit Greece
2. Make love to my wonderful husband overlooking the ocean in Greece (Honey, I'm waiting... where the hell are you?!)
3. Visit Egypt
4. Make love to my wonderful, sexy husband overlooking the pyramids
5. Nurse the baby given to me by my wonderful, sexy, strong husband
6. See the Holy City
7. Walk in the Jordan River

Things I Can Do...

1. Make you smile
2. Make you laugh out loud
3. Make you cry
4. Make you hot and hard, then soft and then hard again without coming up for air (if you're a guy)
5. Make you feel loved and cherished
6. Work and play well with 8th graders
7. Run with scissors

Things I Can't Do...

1. Lose my faith
2. Repay my debt for salvation
3. Enough for my God
4. Enough for my (future) family
5. Roll my tongue (But I'm still sexy anyway!)
6. Stay angry
7. Sweat the small stuff

Things I Say The Most...

1. Whatever!
2. What-the-fuck-ever!
3. You stoopid!
4. You ain't right...
5. .... since Moses was in the basket
6. ... as all outdoors
7. Shut up! (As in "get out of here with that")

Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex...

1. Spirituality (Pray for me, honey.)
2. Intelligence (Talk to me, baby.)
3. Sense of humor (Make me laugh so hard I throw up, boo.)
4. Sensuality (Ummm, caress me... right.... there...)
5. Teeth (Smile for me, darling.)
6. Hands (Oh, yes! Touch me, Papi!)
7. Eyes (Give me that look, daddy...)

Celebrity Crushes... (in no particular order)

1. Gary Dourdan (With or without the locs, this man is the man! Even if he is a little on the lighter side of the color wheel.)
2. Christopher Judge (Now that's and ET I can cling too!)
3. Michael Jordan (He might not be the finest brotha, but there's no doubt he's sexy as hell!)
4. Keanu Reeves (Got mix it up just a little bit. He got enough flavor to slip under the wire.)
5. Mekhi Pfieffer (A refined rough-neck for ya!)
6. Terrance Howard (I love a man who's passionate about his work.)
7. A new, up and coming talent, but ssshhhh... I can't name names right now.

So now, in the spirit of which I received it, tag y'all it!

21 questions (give or take 35)

2005-08-28T23:06:00.000-06:00

So I'm checking out this new blog world and I came across someone who did this. I liked it so much I copped it. Hey, just telling the truth and shaming the devil. Wrote a song about it... wanna hear it.. here it go...

Random Facts
1. Nervous habits?
I don't look people in the eye.
2. Are you double jointed?
I wish!
3. Can you roll your tongue?
Nope - but I'm still sexy anyway.
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?
My father is Gerald Ivan (that would be a "yes").
5. Can you blow spit bubbles?
Umm, never tried. Grandma woulda slapped me into 2010.
6. Can you cross your eyes?
Of course! Who can't?
7. Tattoos?
One tiny faded one. May expand in the future though...
8. Piercings?
Two each ear and my navel (think that one's closed however).
9. Do you make your bed daily?
I barely make it weekly when I change the linen. (I should get a maid for that.)

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first?
The right. No... the left... no, the right... how should I know, I'm usually half asleep!
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?
No, Grandma took care of the shoe throwin' in our house
12. On the average, how much money do you carry?
Cash? They still make that stuff?
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
My ankle bracelet, a cross-of some kind-around my neck, at least one bracelet and thin gold wedding bands on my right thumb and ring finger.
14. Favorite piece of clothing?
I can only pick one?! Well, whatever it is, it's leather.

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl with a spoon.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam?
Yes, way back.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food?
That would be a "no." Hello! Black woman here!
18. How many cereals in your cabinet?
6 or 7 - I lost count.
19. What's your favorite beverage?
Water.
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant?
White Castle.
21. Do you cook?
Oh, yes!

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth?
Whatever!! Next question!
23. Hair drying method?
Blowdryer with pic attachment - otherwise it's curly city!
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?
No - I got natural highlights.
25. Do you swear?
Only when I'm annoyed.
26. Do you ever spit?
Can't - no matter how hard I try.

FAVORITES
27. Animal?
Jaguar / Panther.
28. Food?
Chinese and/or seafood.
29. Month?
October.
30. Day?
Tuesday.
31. Cartoon?
Oooh, you gon' git it now... Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Transformers, Thundercats, Justice League Unlimited, Harvey Birdman - Attorney at Law, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Ed, Edd and Eddy... I could keep going but I'd never finish the other questions.
32. Shoe brand?
Nike.
33. Subject in school?
History, writing, literature, chemistry, algebra, statistics and trig.
34. Color?
Black
35. Sport?
Basketball
36. TV shows?
See #31 and Law & Order (all), Stargate SG-1, Battlestar Galactica, and CSI.
37. Thing to do in the spring?
Put away my leather clothing.
38. Thing to do in the summer?
Miss wearing my leather clothing. Oh, and hang out with friends, sleep in and travel.
39. Thing to do in the autumn?
Unpack my leather clothing.
40. Thing to do in the winter?
Wear my leather clothing. And cuddle by a fire in silk pajamas.

IN AND AROUND
41. In the CD player?
Roy Hargrove
42. Person you talk most on the phone with?
He knows...
43. Reading?
Student work, textbooks and the Bible.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors?
Mmm-hmm, I'm fat but I'm sexy as all outdoors.
45. What color is your bedroom?
Black and biege.
46. Do you use an alarm clock?
Yes or I'd never get to work on time.
47. Window seat or aisle?
Aisle. I got loooooong legs.

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position?
On my stomach in the middle of the bed, spread eagle.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?
Yes... I use a down comforter year round.
50. Do you snore?
Don't know - I'm asleep.
51. Do you sleepwalk?
Not by habit.
52. Do you talk in your sleep?
So I've been told...
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yes, a purple teddybear - I can't be in the bed alone and since no men are applying for the job...
54. How about with the light on?
No light.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?
Radio - hard to sleep in silence.
56. Last interesting person you met?
I don't know. It's all about me. Deal with it.

He makes me wet

2005-08-27T22:32:00.000-06:00

We speak for hours at a time
We chat about family
We relate stories of friendships - past and present
He makes my mind wet

We discuss theology
We quote scripture
We pray with and for each other
He makes my spirit wet

We debate our beliefs and actions
We utter our opinions
We lecture each other on our wrongs
He makes my soul wet

We whisper of dreams
We talk about desires
We share passions
He makes my heart wet

We exchange words of lust
We devulge sensitive spots
We rehearse intimate encounters
He makes my body wet

He
Makes
Me
Wet

copyright august 2005 toneec42

Angel in a Box

2005-08-19T18:47:00.000-06:00

"Thank you for being the flint that created the spark that ignited the fire..."

Exactly six years ago I embarked on a journey of faith. My God asked me to teach His children and I left my so-so corporate job paying oh-so much money and began teaching. I walked away with less than a two-week notice and went to do a job that would cost me over a $10k pay cut.

I never trained to be a teacher. My undergrad degree is in Communications. Never took an education class. Knew nothing about children - don't even have any myself. Knew nothing about child development, curriculum, standards, or any of that other theory stuff they study in education programs. All I knew was my God told me to go. So I did; I took on the task of teaching His 8th grade children.

Every day I prayed and asked Him to use me to touch His young people. I asked Him to bless me to be more than just their english teacher. I asked Him to allow me to touch just one a year. And every year He gave me 20 or 30 young people. Young people who call me friend, mentor, coach, "Mom."

A year ago He moved me into a new position that took me out of the classroom 75% of the time; working more with teachers as a coach. I fretted and worried that I would no longer have the opportunity to reach out to 90 student, 5 days a week - but only be able to work closely with 35. He spoke to me through colleagues, friends and family saying it was what He wanted me to do and I accepted the new position. I did the best I could, leaning on Him to guide, prepare and keep me.

At the end of the year I was offered another position, completely administrative - no regular student contact - that would have been a $13k+ raise. It was tempting but I heard His voice say "You are where I want you to be." So I politely declined.

Now the new school year has started; our first week back. It is absolutely crazy! I am working with most of the same teachers as I did last year, but I have taken on more responsibility - another title and a principal internship. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Ready to quit.

But yesterday a teacher, someone who has been teaching over 50 years, called me into her room. She asked me to follow up on something for her, then she went to her desk and pulled out a gift bag. She walked over to me and said, "This is for you. Thank you for being the flint that created the spark that lit the flame. Because of you we have been able to go where we couldn't go before." When I opened the gift, there was a handcarved angel in a box.

So six years later He has moved me into a new position and granted me success. I now have a oh-so-wonderful job and make not-so-bad money. And I remember to lean on Him always because I have an angel in a box. Oh, and I continue to ask Him to give me one - just one - young person a year.

Bread of Heaven

2005-08-11T19:58:00.000-06:00

Another late night phone call.

After, she lie awake wondering why. Why, once again, was she runner up? Why was she someone's "other?" Why was she not good enough to come second (only to God) in someone's life, instead of third or fourth or fifth or...? Why wasn't she enough to inspire commitment?

And she lie awake asking when. When would God answer her prayers? When would God provide someone (human) to provide for her (human) needs? When would God bless her with a love she could call her own?

Eons ago a friend once said, "You don't know what God has in store a year from now?" While she knew that was true, she was starting to lose the battle of hope, the battle of faith. Especially when she felt rejected over and over again. Depressed she fell into a fitful sleep, dreams of being shunned haunting her. Only to wake the next day and find this in her email inbox...

God has wonderful plans for your life
What's in store for you?

The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too.
Isaiah 58:11 NLT

Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah

Pilgrim through this barren land

I am weak, but Thou art mighty

Hold me with Thy powerful hand

Bread of heaven

Feed me till I want no more

Feed me till I want no more.

William Williams

A Step at a Time

Wouldn't you like to know now what is in store for you a year from now? God leads us a day a time, a step at a time. No need to worry about distant events. The Welsh hymn writer William Williams compared the Christian life to the Israelite's trek through the wilderness. We may not know the route by which God is leading us, but we humbly count on His guidance.

Guest Appearance I

2005-08-09T20:40:00.000-06:00

When (Will You?)

When I am down
Will you write me a poem?
When I'm caught up in the whirlwind of the storm
Will you shelter me from harm?
When I am on the edge about to fall
Will you grab my arm?
When the world is so cold to me
Will you keep me warm?
When all my prized possessions are stolen from me
Will you promise to be my lucky charm?
When I feel like sleeping in because of the ignorance of the world
Will you tell me baby it will be okay and be my alarm?
When I put you before me
Will you remember to do the same?
When I'm down and out
Will you still adore me?
When my shadow is overshadowed by the darkness
Will you be my shade?
When I'm wounded from fighting too many wars
Will you help me fight the battles?
When I'm deaf toward a person and have got the wrong impression
Will you help me to hear when that snake rattles?
When tribulations try to consume us
Will you remember that we are on the same team?
When you're about to cry
Will you tell me what's exactly on your mind exactly?
When my back is against the wall
Will you still back me?
When you're down
Will you run to me because I can make you happy?
When you think of me
Will you smile?
When you're not near me
Will you find a way to pick up a phone and dial?
When we make love
Will you want me to have your child?
When we get married
Will you keep all of your vows?

Adapted from a poem by *The Beautiful Mind*

Bringing Tears

2005-08-09T09:04:00.000-06:00

I read a lot. I always have. In college I started reading historical romances. I don't remember how I got started but I was hooked. I think it was the combination of history (I've always been a history buff) and romance (I'm a closet romantic, too). Somehow I got a hold of a book by Virgina Henley and it was on after that. I read everything I could find by her, even going to book resale stores to find old titles.

If you've ever read a historical romance novel, you know the basic plot. Strong, virile, warrior (or warrior type), prince (or prince equivalent) meets beautiful, young, firm, spirited, VIRGIN woman. Both fight their attraction to each other amid some danger that threatens the village / kingdom / clan. Eventually they find themselves in bed and the sex is phenomenal - so much so he is irrevocably changed and she has an orgasm which drives her to tears.

Yeah, I know - totally unrealistic. But hey, I was hooked. And when I got tired of ivory-skinned, porcelain-skinned, long blond / brunette / red-headed women, I stumbled upon Beverly Jenkins. Oh yes! Now that's what I'm talking about! Historical romances with Black people in them. Those I could relate to, for real.

The plot for these novels? Strong, virile, warrior (or warrior type), prince (or prince equivalent) meets beautiful, young, firm, spirited, VIRGIN woman. Both fight their attraction to each other amid some danger that threatens the town / village / family. Eventually they find themselves in bed and the sex is phenomenal - so much so he is irrevocably changed and she has an orgasm which drives her to tears. Wow! That's different!

Okay, so not so much different. And as hooked as I was I wasn't buying it all. Sex changes men? Men realize after one hot, sexual encounter they are actually in love with the woman they've been arguing with for the past three days / months /years? Orgasms so good they make you cry?

Humph!
Not buying it...
At least until last night.

Last night I had a dream experience. (I distinctly remember being asleep.) He was a strong, virile warrior King but he didn't fight his attraction to me and he wouldn't let me fight mine to him. He spoke softly but firmly. He told me what he would do to me; then he made me feel it. He commanded me to let go; then he made me do it. He told me to jump; then he softened my landing. He took me to orgasm - one that brought me to tears.

Hosea

2005-08-06T23:43:00.000-06:00

I'm running on the verge
The verge of depression
Some days, some moments, I tip over into it
But mostly
I'm running as fast as I can
Just to toe the line
I can't stop to breathe
I can't stop to think
I can't stop to feel
I can't stop...
And I am so tired
I want to rest
I want to find rest
I want to get lost in rest
I don't have the strength to keep running
I don't have the stamina
I don't have the breath
I don't have the desire
I can't do this
I can't finish this race
I'm sorry God
I can't be Hosea
I just can't
I'm so sorry...
but I can't

toneec42 copyright august 2005

$95.22

2005-07-27T13:09:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend is currently in jail. No correction, he's in prison. We've been together a year and six months. He's been in prison eight months. For eight months I've been holding things together at home. Overseeing his bank account - now depleted, taking care of his business - keeping state paperwork up to date, calling and checking on appeals, making requests for medical care and on and on.

Lately he's been on a tear about reestablishing his business; wanting to have things in place when he's released in late January/early February. So he's been sending me lists of things to do; "honey do" lists. And since I'm mostly off during the summer months, I've been spending my time getting way too intimate with the trucking business.

Don't get me wrong, I applaude what he's trying to create. And I believe he will be successful. But I also have my own responsibilities. For eight months I have in essence been overseeing two households; managing two lives. In the midst of all that I've made every effort to visit him twice a month, make sure he has some comforts while he's incarcerated (thus his depleted bank account), speak to him on the phone once or twice a week, write him letters two to three times a week.

In return I've gotten... more "honey do" lists. Exhaustion. Depression. Hurt. Anger. Disappointment. Then the final straw the other day. During a phone call last week (collect, by the way) he says "I guess that shows I'm not a priority in your life..." all because he didn't get a packet of information in the mail on Friday. I'm killing myself managing two households, two sets of responsibilities so he has something to come home to and he's not a priority in my life?! What-the-f*ck-ever! Let me show you what it means when you are not a priority in my life!

Meanwhile I just got my latest phone bill... $95.22

Zakee

2005-07-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

AKA Larry. My row dogg before I knew what a row dogg was. My heart. My confidant. The one person who I trust to know me better than I know myself. One of the few people (What up, Ray?!) I trust to love me as I am unconditionally and without ceasing. My heart.

We've been through so much together (Oak Knoll Park, Divinity 6 etal). We know each other's dirt (man if there was ever someone who could do an expose on me - it's Larry), triumphs, and hurts. And although we are separated physically, no one and nothing can break our bond. He's my heart.

I don't tell him nearly enough how much I love him and I don't tell him how proud I am of him. But am. He has done and will do great things; I know it like I know there's air to breathe. And I am proud of him and proud to call him brotha-friend.

He's always there for me. Sometimes before I even know I need him. And I am blessed to have him in my life. I look forward to the day I make him an uncle because I want my child to know him and know his strength, caring, kindness, crazy humor, gentleness, wisdom, and love. No child could be more blessed than to have Larry in their life.

He's my heart. He's my Zakee.

Fetish

2005-07-24T00:03:00.000-06:00

Mmmmm shoes...
I got a fetish for shoes
High heel
Calf working
Black
Grey
Leather
Patent
Strappy
Ornate
Make me walk taller
Make me feel more powerful
Make me stride longer
Steve Madden
Jimmy Choo
Carlos
9 West
Nothing better than finding sexy shoes at a sexy price
Nothing better than the look on a man's face when he's liking your shoes
Nothing better than having your lover love you in (and out of) your shoes

Pumps
Boots
Sandals
Hey even sneakers and Doc Martin's sometimes
Mmmm shoes
I got a fetish for shoes

He didn't ask the right question

2005-07-21T19:42:00.000-06:00

Ever heard the saying, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to?" Most of us practice it every day. We actively avoid what we know to be the truth because if we acknowledge it then we just may have to act on it. And that's really the problem. That's where all our insecurities come to play.

It's the same reason we don't speak certain things. Words have power. Once you've said it out loud then you've got to deal with it. So we don't say it. Hey, if it's only in my head then only I and God know.

What he asked:
Him: "Are you going to marry him?"
Me: "Probably."
Him: "Do you love him?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Are you in love with him?"
Me: "Yes."

What he should've asked:
Him: "Why are you going to marry him?"
Him: "Do you love me?"
Him: "Are you in love with me?"
Him: "Will you marry me?"

But he didn't ask the right question... and I didn't say a word.

Letter of Interludes

2005-07-21T19:22:00.000-06:00

June 13, 2005

Hey honey,

I’m sorry, babe. I tried. Really I did. I know you wanted me, have asked me for a while now, to write you a story. An erotic, wet story like the ones I was writing when we met. I know it was those stories and poems that initially attracted you to me...
You were so disappointed your early evening meeting ran into late night and you missed coming home for dinner. It was one of your favorites but honestly you were more disappointed because all afternoon you’d walked around with a partial hard on after our brief lunchtime phone call. However I was asleep by the time you made it home so you settled for a shower and hand massage. Padding into the bedroom, towel wrapped around your waist you were surprised to find me sitting on the bed in your favorite silk purple chemise. I reached out and pulled you to me by the knot in your towel. Replacing its soft caress with the softness of my lips, I inhaled your clean scent before running my tongue over your balls. Your head fell back as you briefly wondered, “Is she trying to dry me off or make me wet?”
…Stories from the mind of a woman you hadn’t met but felt you knew intimately. Felt you were meant to know intimately.

I don’t know what happened - what’s wrong. I mean I know I’m still the same woman. I have those same stories inside me. I feel those same urges…
My nipples are tingling from rubbing back and forth against the rough wrought iron headboard, but I can’t do anything about it because you’ve got me trapped on my knees, pressed against the headboard as you fuck me with your lips and tongue. My hands are held behind me, gripped in one of your fists while your other arm is locked around my right thigh pressing me down onto your face. No matter how hard I try to pull away you hold me in place, drawing orgasm after orgasm from me. I feel spent but they keep coming; hard and fast – slow and long.
…I see those same images. But I’m blocked. I can’t write them down.

Maybe it’s the new position. All my time seems consumed with work. Every time I sit at the computer it’s to write a report or grant or lesson or… whatever; it’s work. So whenever I can get away from the computer I run as fast as I can…
I know I should have left you alone; you had so much work to do on your latest job but I couldn’t help it. Seeing you sitting at the desk in only your boxer briefs was so damn sexy I just had to distract you. So here we are, lights dimmed, Juvenile’s “Slow Motion” playing and your working being ignored as I give you an impromptu lap dance.
…And that’s just my day job. Add to that my consulting work, all the goings on at church, the company I started – it’s a wonder I can find time to sleep, let alone write.

I’ve even tried writing long hand, like I did in college. That’s an art I’ve totally lost. I mean here I am writing you a letter and I’m typing it on the laptop…
Not fair! You tricked me! You said you wanted some ice cream after our hot, sweaty love session and dragged me out of bed to come with you to the kitchen. You said we’d scoop out a bowl and return to bed. Now here I am, bent face forward over the kitchen center island, the cool marble top amplifying the heat of my naked breasts and stomach. My feet are spread shoulder width apart and I have warm caramel sundae topping spread over my ass cheeks, dripping down my crack, onto my pussy lips. You are on your knees between my feet using your mouth and tongue to make sure none of the topping drips down onto my clean kitchen floor.
…Huh, I guess that’s what happens when you get your master’s in technology; you forget the old technologies of paper and pencil. Everything is digital in my world now.

But I gave it my best shot. I determined that tonight as I sat in my hotel room I would block everything out and just let it flow. Try my old trick of sitting at the keyboard, closing my eyes and letting my fingers glide across the keys putting down what images played behind my lids…
Why are you teasing me? “Please” I moan, gripping the pillow by my face. You’ve got me lying on my right side, left leg bent so you can watch the head of your dick slide in and out of my wetness. My lips are swollen and dripping, I want all of you inside, but you keep dipping just the tip in and out slowly, teasing me; making me beg. “Not yet…” you whisper back, kissing my shoulder. “Not yet.”
…Unfortunately nothing came. Nothing but this letter.

Perhaps I have too much trying to get out. Perhaps my block is because I have a whole bunch of images and stories rushing around trying to be first in line, but instead they’ve caused a log jam in my creative center and nothing can get out. Or perhaps I just need to take a vacation, really and truly rest and relax. Forget about work, church, and more work and just do nothing. Maybe then I’d be able to get some things down on paper.

But for the life of me, I can’t get anything out right now, honey. I’m sorry. But the first thing I do write I promise will make you so hot, you’ll have no choice but to jump me after you read it. You’d like that wouldn’t you? Another reason to take me to bed and keep me there as long as possible…
“Turnabout is fair play,” I whisper in your ear as I tie your left wrist to the bedpost with a second silk scarf. You make a show of trying to resist but when I pull back I can see the twinkle in your eye and the smile you’re trying to hide; you like this, you think it’s fun. You can’t wait to see what I’m going to do to you and you look on eagerly as I stick my finger into the strawberry sundae syrup then bring it to my lips to lick clean. Intent on the play between my tongue and finger you’re caught off guard when the warm syrup touches your erection. Your eyes follow as my head lowers to your lap.
…Actually maybe that’s the reason I’m blocked; your loving is soooo good, I have nothing else to write about. What do you think? Could that be it? Could you be the cause of my creative void? Hmmm…I like that – it’s your fault!

Okay it’s not your fault, although your loving is very, extremely very good. I’m going to beat this. I’m going to find a way to get unblocked. I like writing. I like being creative because if I can conceive it in my mind then we can work on making it a reality in our love life…
Your mouth makes love to that spot at my lower back that makes me crazy whenever and however you touch it. You’re currently feasting on it, pushing the button that makes my hips rotate, my pussy tighten, and my clit pulse automatically. It seems you’ve spent a couple of hours just loving my spot and now you’ve added the friction of your finger sliding in and out of my canal. As a reward my silken cum has coated your hand repeatedly but you continue your feast seemingly oblivious to how many orgasms I’ve already experienced.
…That alone is enough incentive to make me work around this block. Another huge incentive is how much I enjoy seducing you. And my words do seduce you; make you hot. And making you hot makes me hot and wet. So I’m going to apply myself to this problem and make it go away as soon as I can.

However for now, I need to get to sleep so I can be at my best tomorrow. I can wait to come home and sleep in our bed. I hate these long business trips. And you know hotel rooms make me horny. Yea, maybe you should meet me at the door naked Friday night when I return – I’m gonna want to wear you out!! Anyway, good night, honey – I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Yours always,
T.

tonee c. copyright july 2005

Y chromosome

2005-07-19T13:05:00.000-06:00

My sista-friend says that the "Y" chromosome in men is at the root of all male/female issues. It makes them do things that just don't make sense. As women we are constantly asking "Why?" Why did he leave the wet towel in the middle of the bedroom floor? Why will he spend $200 on video games without thinking but get upset when I spend $200 on a pair of shoes?

I'm frustrated right now. I'm angry right now. I'm asking "Why?" He's damaged (who isn't), I know this. And I've exercised much patience over the past year and half. But now my patience is being strained. I am frustrated with the back and forth. The go then no go. The "let's do this" followed by "wait."

Throughout our relationship I would say he's been the pursuer, the aggressor. He's pushed for the next level. I've been the practical one. Encouraging patience and taking our time. While I've never allowed him to push me too far, too fast, I have coasted along not putting up too much resistance. I have not committed to anything, no matter how often he asked, until I was ready. So after months of his asking I finally said "yes." And although I said "yes" I negotiated a later date than he originally proposed.

Therefore imagine my surprise when during a conversation yesterday he says, "I don't like the pressure you're putting me under." Huh? For 8 months you ask me and I say "Let's wait. Let's see what happens. Let's not rush." and I'm pressuring you?! Why?!

So what I am I going to do? Let me tell you what I'm doing - I'm sitting in the middle of the floor, arms and legs crossed. I'm not moving. Not another step. I don't want to say we're going to do things my way, but his way ain't working. Something has got to change. It's time to renegotiate terms. Time to clear the air; establish expectations and guidelines. Time to de-mystify the "Y."