Divas Command

Commander Log - Stardate 61981.4: Neophyte

2008-07-07T11:37:00.004-06:00

So hard, so hard

So hard to be a Delta
It's so hard, so hard
To be a Delta,
So hard, so hard
To be a D-S-T
I'm tellin' ya honey!
- Delta Chant

On April 26, 2008 Twenty Timeless Shades of Essence crossed into Delta sisterhood! A few of us are pictured above. (That's me, third from the left.)

The pledge period was an amazing, educational and exhausting experience. Oh, but how I am enjoying the sisterhood! To be linked to so many powerful, spiritual, and positive Black women is awe-inspiring. The feelings of love and support are overwhelming sometimes but very welcome. As a Neophyte I have a lot to learn, but I am excited to spend the rest of my life doing it.

Commander Log - Stardate 61635.1: Girl Status

2008-03-02T22:22:00.005-07:00

Life is precious baby, love is so rare
I could take the breakup if U say that U care
He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong
It started raining, baby, the birds were gone, oh
- Prince

I try to live a life of reflection; paying attention to what is happening / has happened so I can learn from my (and others) mistakes. February 2008 has been a month I will remember. I found out, toward the end of last month, that I - am - a - girl.

Now I know you are saying to yourself, "She just found that out?" See, I have for many years thought of myself as a Woman - a Queen even. Not a girl. But over the last two weeks I have come to realize I've got some girl tendencies. A woman, while she likes compliments does not need them. She is confident in who she is, how she looks and how she carries herself. Well, the carries herself is the Queen coming out. Anyway... women do not dress to get the attention of men - they wear clothes that make them look and feel wonderful. Their clothes fit, no matter what size they need to purchase, and are comfortable as well as attractive. Women wear shoes that are BAD but they must also not hurt because every woman knows, painful ain't cute. (If the shoes hurt too much it doesn't matter how fierce they are, I can't walk in 'em and they aren't worth anything sitting in my closet.)

I have prided myself on being a woman. Not to be confused, I do want and need a man in my life - MY man. No correction - MY husband, but until he arrives I can do on my own. If a man compliments me in public I smile and say "thank you" as I continue on. I do not look for compliments. I do not go out to the grocery store, gym, mall, church or comedy club looking to be complimented and dressing to get attention. I just do me.

I have effectively convinced myself I am not one of those silly girls who is fishing for or craving the attention of men. However, on my recent trip home I found myself in straight girl mode. I mean blushing, smiling, giggling, and flirting FULL GIRL MODE. I even still blush now when I think about the encounter.

First before I go into detail about the encounter let me say that whenever I go home I get way more attention from men than I do in my current habitat. Thank God for southern men who like their women with some meat on them! If it's summer when I hit St. Louis, then I know I'm going to get compliments on my thick, smooth legs. If it's winter then men are going to comment on my high heeled boots and nicely filled out jeans. So I am braced - for lack of a better word - when I go home. (It also probably helps that I smile a lot when I'm home.)

So this trip home was no different. I actually started getting looks of interest in the Denver airport, but when I got off the plane in St. Louis from baggage claim to the hotel front desk, a sista was feeling appreciated. Then I met - him. More accurately I became reacquainted with him again. Him is my very first boyfriend - Michael.

Michael and I dated when we didn't even know what dating was. I was 12 and he was 14. We had known each other for about a year prior to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. (I had dated his friend and he dated my friend.) Those were the days of riding your bike to each other's house and sitting on the porch talking for hours in groups of no less than 4 and up to 10. Or your parents would offer to take you and your friends to the amusement park, or some tourist park, or each other's little league games, or the skating rink because "Isn't it cute? They like boys/girls now." That's when Michael and I dated. And we were in love. Awwww...

Needless to say we broke up. I don't remember why but he has a vivid recollection of where, when, why and how. I went on to high school and so did he. I left for college; he stayed in St. Louis and went to school. I never saw him again until two weeks ago.

Michael has intermittently stayed in contact with my uncles. At one time he even worked with my oldest uncle, so he was able to get an update on me. This time when I was home he asked a female friend of my youngest uncle to see if it were okay for her to give him my number. (How cute is that?! See I'm blushing again.) He called me that Saturday night and left a message. On Sunday morning he called back and we talked for over an hour. During the conversation he informed me when, how, why, and where we broke up, how he took it, and how he still hasn't gotten over me. A story that we both laughed at so hard we cried! Then he agreed to meet me at the nursing home so he could see me and my grandmother who he had not seen in over 25 years. (25 years! Oh, gawd - we're that old?!) Yeah, I told him not to say that again - the 25 years part.

We met a few hours later at my grandmother's nursing home. When he arrived he called me and I walked to the lobby to meet him. I have never seen any grown man's face, not related to me by blood, light up the way his did when he saw me for the first time in so many years. And by the way I'm smiling as I write this, I'm pretty sure my face reflected the same light. (As I walked around the corner I remember hearing the receptionist asking him who was he waiting on and then saying "Oh, you're meeting this pretty lady" as I got caught up in his arms.)

We went into the common room where he spoke with my grandmother and I reminded her who he was. We spent three hours talking and catching up. The whole three hours were peppered with his saying how beautiful I am, how I look the same, smile the same, laugh the same, walk the same. At one point he even called a friend who had been around when we dated to tell him he "was sitting next to Tonee. *pause* She looks good. She's wearing four inch heels and what's a woman who isn't wearing heels". The whole time he was looking at me and smiling this bright, boyish smile. (Michael gave me the phone and I talked to Richard for a few minutes also.)

When my grandmother went to listen to the minister who had come to provide a sermon for the residents, Michael and I went to the other side of the room to talk. He asked about my boyfriend and when I told him I was single he was speechless. We spent the time smiling at each other like giddy teenagers. Michael spoke about how devoted he was to me and how I should be the mother of his children. There was a couple sitting across from us. The wife is a resident and her husband comes to visit her. He was feeding her and sitting next to her with his arm around her. Michael was captivated by them. He kept saying "Tonee that's going to be us. We'll be 80 and I'll still be calling you 'baby'. Feeding you and holding you close." Eventually he had to go so we said goodbye and planned to see each other the next day.

While we did speak briefly later that night, we did not see each other the next day. So I left St. Louis without seeing or speaking to him again. He had said before we saw each other that he needed to see me so he could "get this out of my system." I responded "What if it doesn't work?" I don't think it worked. He didn't have an answer then. And I don't think he has an answer now. And I'm still blushing - like a girl.

Commander Log - Stardate 61589.7: Vacation

2008-02-15T15:15:00.005-07:00

Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack
I don't care if we never get back
- Jack Norworth

I am currently sitting in the lobby of the Hilton at the Ballpark in downtown St. Louis. I decided to take two days off and go on an extended weekend visit home for the President's Day weekend. I sooooo needed the vacation. And right now I'm sitting in the lobby watching lots of people checking in and meeting up, while I wait for my room to be cleaned. See I slept in today so housekeeping couldn't get in until I finally left for lunch around 2pm. Now I'm just waiting to get back into my room and making use of the free WiFi from the Starbucks in the lobby.

There appears to be some kind of convention or competition going on here. There are large groups (10 or more) of white kids meeting up. One little girl is sitting 10 feet away from me playing a... what do you call those things with the keys and bellows... accordian! Another little girl is next to her playing the flute and another the violin. I've seen costumes with large, full skirts and beading and sequins so it seems to be some kind of Irish / riverdance / jig-a-ma-bob convention. Oh, wait now all 10 of them have pulled out instruments and are playing (and it ain't even the same song!) What I can't believe is how the parents of the children are allowing them to pull out their instruments and proceed to practice in a full lobby where people, like myself, are working on their laptops.

Next to that group seems to be a young, Black band. I only know they're a band because one brother, with some serious locs down to his butt, is holding a keyboard. His band mate is wearing a lime green polo, collar up, matching satin/silk tie, and requisite stunner shades. There are a few young ladies with them who I estimate to be the vocalists.

Anyway, I am enjoying the much needed rest. Unlike when I usually come home, this time I rented a vehicle and booked a hotel room because I just wanted to be able to relax and have some me time. My family thinks it's because I'm "big ballin" now but I got a really good deal - I used frequent flyer miles for my plane ticket and booked the hotel and car online using priceline.com. It was my first time and your girl scored! I got a car for $15 a day and a room for $45 a night. When I checked into the room I saw on the door placard that the room's normal rate is $299 a night. Say what?!

I needed this weekend to just rejuvenate myself. I am in my second semester of seminary, the second half of my first year as an Assistant Principal, and my roommate and I are not getting along to say the least. That's a whole-nother post but in case I never feel like writing about it, suffice it to say he is moving out by the 29th and I can't wait. So this is my big woo-saa (is that how you spell it?) moment before I jump in and finish the rest of the school year. I'm using this time to recharge my battery, catch up on some homework, and get a jump on some things that are looming on the horizon.

Commander Log - Stardate 61480.1

2008-01-06T19:26:00.001-07:00

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets
- Joan Osbourne

Today started a new era in my church's history. The ninth pastor took over his duties and preached both services. (Technically he is still pastor-elect.) Now normally I don't stay for both services and I don't sing in the choir, but today I did both because I was so excited about having him here.

Exactly two years ago, the eighth pastor announced his retirement at the end of 2006. He had been pastor for twenty-eight years. We held a huge retirement celebration for him that culminated in January of 2007. Around October 2006, we began the arduous task of looking for a new pastor. Many people, myself included, complained that the leadership waited too long to start the process as we would be without a pastor for a time. And sure enough, it took us over fourteen months to complete the process and fill the position.

During the fourteen plus months my good friend and assistant to the prior pastor served as the senior clergy in charge (the chairman of the deacon board was the top person in charge), and although she did an excellent job as usual, many people were distressed that we did not have an actual pastor. Personally, I wasn't all that concerned.

Not until recently did I figure out why I wasn't concerned. As great as the pastor emeritus was, he wasn't MY pastor. I didn't feel like I could go to him personally for spiritual counseling, I didn't feel like he addressed my spiritual needs, and I didn't feel like he was particularly interested in me as an individual. Under him the youth and young adult ministries dried up and practically died (actually there was never a young adult ministry). So in reality I had been without a pastor for over nine years, not just one. I came to this realization this past fall during my first semester in seminary. I had to take a class in spiritual formation and it really opened my eyes to what has been missing since I first joined my church.

Now with the new pastor I am excited that things will change. As we went through the interview process he has repeatedly made it clear that his first priority is pastoral care; he wants to know us and become part of our families. He has a passion for youth and young adult ministry, and he is all about spiritual formation (the purposeful continued development of individuals' relationship with and understanding of God). I am excited for this next stage in my church's life; but even more than that I am even more pumped for what God is about to reveal in my life.

Commander Log - Stardate 61466

2008-01-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Now I see the importance of history
Why people be in the mess that they be
Many journeys to freedom made in vain
By brothers on the corner playin' ghetto games
I ask you Lord why you enlightened me
Without the enlightment of all my folks
He said cuz I set myself on a quest for truth
And He was there to quench my thirst
But I am still thirsty...
- Arrested Development

Welcome to 2008!

Hello. Allow me to reintroduce myself - I am the commander of this station. I have been gone quite awhile on a new assignment. Well, actually two new assignments... or is it three? Suffice it to say I've been busy. Deep undercover busy. and my field logs have gotten way backlogged.

I thought the purpose of doing command reports was to inform the review committee of my exploits. So when things got hectic I thought, well, the committee isn't really paying attention and it would be one less thing on my to do list. But now I realize that not doing my log subjects me to major stress from holding in all my thoughts. And as Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow can attest, additional stress while undercover can make an agent (or commander such as myself) volatile.

So the commander is back and I will be submitting back logs of my missions for committee review. I look forward to reading any and all addenda.

Happy New year! May the grace of God cover you and blessings abound for you in the new year!

I'm Back!

2007-07-27T22:11:00.000-06:00

Talking to you, it's your son Father

I can't believe all the things

We have done to each other

The problem I find

In all my years the danger is high

Though your love is near

So what can be done to heal each other

I hold my head up high to ease the pain

But quite frankly lord

I don't know how much more this world can take

Yes we truly need more love for each other

Lord it's me, it's your son

Trying to take a stand for peace

Like your other one

Send us your love

Cause we need each other

Mmmmm

We need, we truly need each other

-Kem

Okay for real... it's August?! The last time I blogged was... oh my, January. Why is time speeding up?

The latest: I just got back from Las Vegas. It was my second vacation this month. I went with my sista-friend, her son and his basketball team for a tournament (The Main Event). We were there for six days. Too many days, too many teenagers, too many personalities (adult), too many smokers. However, it was a fun trip most of the time. The team didn't do as well as we'd like but it was fun hanging out with twelve 15 year old boys. (Who can understand what goes on in their heads?!) And my nephew is now known for having not only a cool mom but a cool aunt too!

Two weeks prior to that I was in St. Louis visiting the family. That was the relaxing vacation. Sleeping in and doing whatever I felt like. I even learned a new workout that I want to continue - boxing! My youngest uncle took me to the YMCA with him to workout (he's been my sports trainer all of my life so hanging at the gym/court/field is what we do). He does a boxing class 2-3 times a week, then hits the steam room and jacuzzi. Two and a half / three hours at the gym - I'm in heaven!

When I agreed to go with him I thought it was like a kickboxing aerobic class. But when we got there I found out it was a "wrap your hands and put on the gloves" boxing class. We weren't in a ring but we did three minute rounds with a trainer using punch mitts. I had to throw punches according to where and how he held his hands. I had to throw jabs, hooks, uppercuts, power punches and combinations. All while chasing, retreating and/or being leaned on. I have a new respect for fighters. It was a workout! And I wasn't even getting hit back! Now I'm looking for the same kind of class here. I have to get the right equipment though because I hurt my left hand punching without being wrapped under the gloves (I had to use the Y's equipment and there were no hand wraps).

I also got to spend a lot of time with my little brother. It turns out he lives half a block down from my uncle (who I stayed with this time). We sat and talked, went to breakfast and even met our father for lunch one day. (My dad was very happy to see us together.) He's planning to visit me when his season is over. One thing that did surprise me, he's intent on my having a baby! I mean he mentions it almost every hour!

So here it is... my summer is over. I actually return to work Monday. Earlier than normal because this year I'm not teaching. I will be the assistant principal! New responsibilities, new headaches, new adventures. Oh and I'm also starting seminary in August. I'm going to have a lot to say.

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow

2007-01-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
It's time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off
Like a South African beauty
Or get it on lock
Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight
Like Oprah Winfrey
If it's not what's on your head
And it's what's underneath then say HEY....
- India Aire

Friday night I went to a poetry set because a friend (Phoenix - her stage name) had asked me to come and support her reading as a guest poet. I've been to this poetry venue (The Speakout) before because another good friend and ex-colleague (Say Yo - her stage name) is part of the troupe that puts it on. But anyway I did go specifically to be a comforting face in the crowd as my friend did her piece about her natural hair journey. And it was powerful.

Now you may or may not have noticed that the hairstyle on my avatar has changed in the last few months. About a year ago I started seriously contemplating loc'n my hair. So I stopped going to the beauty salon for relaxers and got my hair braided. I wore braided extensions for over a year, then in August tried to start locs by braiding my own hair. I went to an African-born loctician/braider and she said I could start locs without cutting the relaxed part of my hair. She just braided it and told me not to wash it for as long as I can stand it to allow the hair to loc. Yeah, that didn't work.

In September Say Yo introduced me to Phoenix at a poetry set because she knew I had decided to loc. At the time I took Phoenix's contact info because I knew he was moving out here and he would need a loctician. In October I set up an appointment for him and decided to get a consult myself. Phoenix did some test locs and we set an appointment for two weeks later for her to do my whole head.

So for a little over two months now I've had starter locs. She cut my hair, which was fine with me, and I've got little spikes. Except my spikes haven't stayed spikey as long as I'd like. My hair is growing fast (it's always grown fast) and my little spikes are starting to lay down. But I love it! Unfortunately I haven't taken any pictures yet (Phoenix and her husband take pictures each time I go for a retightening) so I can't post them. But I will take some soon because I realize I want to document each stage and look.

As excited as I am about my hair, I was not prepared for the reactions and presumptions that come along with it. When I made the decision to loc it I wasn't making any political statement. I like my hair. I liked my hair. I liked my hair straight. I liked my hair curly (yes, I did the "jheri curl" thang...). I liked my hair braided. My hair is thick. It grows fast. It has an unusual color that you'd have to mix 4-5 different bottles together to get. It's dark brown, light brown, red, blond, and (now) grey all at the same time depending on which section/strand you're looking at. I liked it up. I liked it medium. I liked it bobbed. I liked it long. I liked it with a ponytail piece. I liked it short. I liked it asymmetrical (all hail the Prince!)

But mostly I like it low maintenance. I found myself returning at least once a year to braids. Braids I didn't have to curl in the morning. Braids I could wash and go. Braids I could wear up, down. Braids I could swim in, hoop in, lift weights in, go to work in, go to church in, travel in and out of the country in. And then I met two women who had locs and guess what?! They looked like braids! At least in their width, length and versatility. And more importantly they didn't spend 10 hours getting them done every 4-5 months and 15 hours taking them out (to get them redone). That's how I made my decision. I wasn't saying relaxers, weaves, wigs, ponytails were bad. I'm just saying I don't want to do them anymore.

But there are a lot of people who put their agendas on others. And I've apparently switched sides. My best sista-friend hates it. She calls 'em naps (on me and everyone else) as an insult. She can't understand why someone whose hair is beautiful straight would not want to straighten it. (Uh... cuz I don't wanna.) From my biological family in St. Louis only my uncle has seen it. His comment was "You doing something different with your hair again." (But that's him; if I'm happy, he's ecstatic.) The first day I returned to work one of the older ladies, one of the secretaries, asked me "Why you got those pickaninny curls in yo head?" (Just smile T, she old). My students don't say anything except the occassional question of "You got twists, Ms.?" (No, I'm loc'n my hair.) People at church say my face looks better, "You can see more of your face, babee. You sure are pretty." (What you thought I was ugly before?!) Strangers smile at me and walk over to make complements, "I just had to come say something to such a beautiful, Black woman!" (Uh... ok...)

People do look at me differently. I got a standing ovation at the poetry set from the poet group because Say Yo reminded them I had kicked it with them one weekend and now I'm loc'd and free! Wow! I did not know it was that serious. I understand and empathize that some people choose locs because of a stronger sense of ancestry and beliefs. (Quiet as it's kept, when I wore braids in the corporate world, a part of me was saying "You have to accept it because I'm that good. And in case you forgot, I dont' know how you could, but I'm Black Woman.") And I think my biggest challenge will be facing my southern, color-struck family when I go home this summer (and when my mom comes to visit this spring), but overall it's just my hair. I'm still me. I still eat meat. I still curse when I get too upset to censor myself. I still get my (acrylic) nails done. I still have bourgeoisie tendencies (as well as hood-rat). I am not my hair.

But I love my hair. And I acknowledge that loc'n it has made me realize just that... I am not my hair. But MY hair is beautiful.

To see Phoenix's piece click here.

My Savior

2007-01-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I will bless the Lord
Oh, my soul
And all that is within me
Bless His Holy Name
- Tye Tribbett

I had to share this! I'm sure many have seen it but I just had to share it. To God be the Glory!

Catching My Breath - Part IV

2006-12-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Let it snow, let it snow
Hey, it's another Christmas holiday
It's a joyous thing let the angels sing
Cause were together
We got a thing can't let it slip away
No, outside it's raining sleet
When our bodies meet
I don't care about the weather
- Boys II Men

What?! It's Christmas already?! What the...? What happened? It's August. School just started. I just closed on my townhouse. I blinked! Maybe took a nap! It is not Christmas already.

But the calendar says it is December 21st. I'm singing with the Colorado Symphony this weekend for our annual performance of Too Hot To Handel (I have a CD on iTunes!). I need to finish my students' grades for the semester. I have a Christmas tree in my living room and there are wrapped presents underneath it. So I guess it's true - it's Christmas. Where did the last third of the year go?

Well, when we last updated the command I was playing "catch up" with my blog. Let's start there... home. I closed on my first ever townhouse in August. After much frustration with the mortgage company it was done, no money down and at a nice price. I spent the second half of August and all of September moving in. (My apartment lease wasn't up until the end of September so I took my time.) And even though I moved into a two-story three-bedroom, two and half bath from a two-bedroom, two bath apartment I still have too much dang stuff! Well, too much stuff to store away.

Remember how I was sad that I'd be moving in alone when I'd been planning for my daughter and him but I was excited about running around NEKKID in my new place alone? Well, I haven't been able to run around NEKKID because I'm not alone. My daughter is living on campus downtown but in a strange turn of God's plan, he is here living with me. It's not in the romantic way I'd envisioned (see the update on my romantic life) but he's here. Living in my second bedroom.

Ya know... you really don't know someone until you live with them. I still don't think I'll live with my significant other before we're married but this experience has weighed the scales more evenly I'll admit. I won't go into particulars but it's been an interesting experience. I have learned and anticpate learning a lot more about myself before it's over. I think that's why He's taking me through this - preparation for something forthcoming.

My daughter is having a rough first college semester. We all know freshman year - especially first semester - is hard under normal circumstances. The unbridled freedom, being 4 chapters behind on the first day of class, etc. Now add to that coming out of an abusive, controlling household, being depressed, having unresolved issues from said household, being subpoened by the prosecutor for your biological father's asssault case (where you were the victim), hooking up with a 25 year old, single father who has the same traits as your abusive, controlling father, becoming a binge drinker and refusing to admit you have some problems.

Yeah, not a good start. So now the promising freshman is looking to repeating all of her first semester classes next semester and going over the summer so she's back on track at the beginning of her sophomore year. She will be staying here for a second year before trying to transfer to Howard. And after a half-hearted suicide attempt, she's finally in counseling. Oh, and the 25 year old boyfriend is gone. He's lucky her people are reformed hoodrats, reborn Christians or I swear he was gonna wake up dead in an alley for messing with my child. Yeah, my mother instincts kicked in hard.

So that's the Reader's Digest version of my past three months. I'm sitting at home, on Christmas vacation two days early because of the blizzard we received and taking a deep breath. I'm looking forward to finishing this school year and moving to the next level. Which I will fill you in on in the next entry. That is if you're still reading...

Merry Christmas - and remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. God's peace, blessings and love to you and yours.

Guest Appearance VI

2006-08-24T20:35:00.000-06:00

How could it be
That you know me
My deepest fears
My fantasies
Confide in you
What no one knows
But it feels so good

- Janet

Okay, so I lied. I'm sorry Zed. Please forgive me. I said I was back; meaning I'd be back to blogging regularly. Well, life comes at you and you just... well, you just survive. I have been so busy with getting my daughter off to college, buying a new house, moving into said house, starting the new school year at work, counseling him and sleeping (for short bursts of time).
But today I was catching up on the 500+ emails in my yahoo account and I came across this piece written by an online colleague. I think I may have posted his work before but this just touched me on so many levels I had to share it. I hope you enjoy it, too. I'd love to have a dialogue about it and hear your thoughts.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sweet.

3:00am
Dear U,

How are you doing? Hope that everything is well with you. I really don't know why we start letters off like this. But I've been doing it since the 4th grade so I guess I'll continue.

Well, I guess I will start this letter off with a question. Have you ever reached a point in time, when time didn't even matter? When you just wanted to hold time and control time and let time slip away into the future? But there is always an unexpected interruption of time; when decisions have to be made and feelings have to be shared.

There is always that point where you contemplate the seriousness of a matter. And the fact of the matter is, facts don't matter when you are really, really, really feeling someone.

You know that facts are what make up my being and it's a fact that who I am, is just who I am. And how I used to be, is and always will be buried underneath all that I have become. And I am kind of proud of what I have become, because becoming what I have become doesn't come easy and that's becoming a man.

Now don't get me wrong. Done some things, said some things, went through some things, that I really wasn't proud of. But I still wouldn't trade them in for the world because what you see standing before you now is nothing short of a miracle. And this here, this is more than just lyrical logistics and spiritual commitments towards the greater good. This here... this is me.

I mean, I can play silly relationship games with the best of them. I can act like you really don't mean anything to me. But as soon as you get off the phone with me, I start to feel lonely and incomplete. Feeling an emptiness right here because the phone is not near my ear and I can't act like I don't care because I do.

I can act like who I really am, is not who I really am, play the role like some others do, get what I want from you and then be like "Oh, by the way..." and proceed to fill your ears with things about me that might seem to be a little shocking.

Hold on someone is knocking. Who is it?

Oh, that's just my conscience. Kind of reluctant to let him in though because I know what he's going to say. He is going to say "Man, the day you chose to reveal your heart was the start of the completion of a love song." A love song with a long, long, 16 bars. So long that 2:00 am has slipped passed me like a thief on a mission. So long that sleep invades your privacy and you softly say to me, "Reggie I am sleepy." And I let you go to sleep but I don't let you go because there is still something about the whisper in your voice when you said it. Now that's deep, the surprise in your eyes when you learned what you learned about me and now I am concerned about me because I just don't know, and no one enjoys not knowing.

I don't know whether or not you are going to say the same things you said yesterday. I don't know if you are going to feel the same way that you felt yesterday. Hell I don't even know if you want to forget about yesterday and move on to today to a better place, a place with out me being there. And I can't say that I don't care but I gotta be aware. It's not what I think, it's about how you feel and that's real.

So now I end the way that I started, with a question, what's next? And I have no regrets and I may never forget, but this is life. And life plus mama equals me being a man. So I gotta be a man about this situation, can't take back certain conversations. Don't think you ever thought that you would have to add this into the equation and for that I am sorry.

And I am writing you this letter to let you know that I understand where you stand even if you decide to stand far, far away. Oh, and just so you know, apologies are not needed, and explanations are not considered necessary.

So take this letter and digest this letter, dissect this letter, relive this letter and when I feel like I can be a tad bit better than what I am now, then I'll look you up. And when I do, I'll hope that you will be doing well. But no matter how well you be, you would have always been better if you would have only decided to be with me.

Thanks for your time
Yours truly,

PoeticMindz……….

Another Wedding

2006-08-01T20:10:00.000-06:00

You can find me

In St. Louie

Where the gun play

Rain all day

Some got jobs

And some sell yay

Others just smoke and fuck

All day

- Nelly

Yep, that's right... I just got back from another wedding. This one was in St. Louis and it was my Dad's. I took my daughter home to meet the family for the first time and to stand up with my Dad.

I'm glad I went because we were the only ones there from his side of the family. His sister didn't show. His neice had to work and her husband didn't show (although he was supposed to). My brother couldn't come because he had a football game. (He plays semi-pro and gets paid. So no show, no pay check AND a hefty fine from the league.)

We arrived the day after a bad storm rolled through and knocked out an estimated 60-90% of the city's power. Almost everyone was without electricity in the 100+ heat index; even my grandmother's nursing home. (The bride's dad hooked up a generator at the church to run the sound system and a couple of fans. Light was provided by God through the windows.) Blessedly we had booked and paid for a hotel room and the hotel had power. When we checked in the receptionist told us there were no rooms within a 150 miles. And get this, the day after we arrived another storm passed through! Those people who had power, or whose power had been restored, lost it in that storm. Plus it stopped crews from working.

Because of the power outtage we did not get to see/meet all of my relatives on both sides. Everyone was scattered trying to find shelter. When we left five days later everyone on my mom's side had power back except my grandmother's nursing home. Imagine that!

But all in all we had a good time. I took my daughter to see most of the tourist attractions and she got to meet a good part of the family. She's even planning to return for Thanksgiving (I'm not going because it's only a weekend off for me). Everyone loved her and she loves them. On the drive back (yes.. .12 hours of driving) she commented how her biological father would always tell her if she left his house, she'd be alone. But now she realizes she has mucha familia. (My dad married into a big family and they all invited us back as well as say they plan to visit Denver.)

P.S. I tried to upload photos but Blogger didn't want to cooperate. I'll try again later.

Inspirational Moment

2006-07-27T11:26:00.000-06:00

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountain story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writer’s thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don’t recognize my presence
I am here
And if you don’t recognize me
I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am a rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thoughtful thinking
I am love un-shattered
I am the great orgasm
And even if you don’t recognize me
I ‘m still here
And even if you don’t recognize me
I am still here
Even if you don't recognize me

I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

- Jill Scott

I Am A Kept Woman

You see there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, but GOD kept me sane.
(Isaiah 26:3)

There were times when I thought I could go no longer, but the LORD kept me moving.
(Genesis 28:15)

At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, but the LORD kept my mouth shut.
(Psalm 13)

Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, but GOD has helped me to keep the lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid,etc…
(Matthew 6:25-34)

When I thought I would fall, HE kept me up. When I thought I was weak, HE kept me strong!
(I Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30)
I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you hear me! Praise the Lord and pass the filet mignon! I'm blessed to be "KEPT."

Catching My Breath - Part III

2006-07-27T10:35:00.000-06:00

Baby, baby
Baby don't leave me
Ooh, please don't leave me
All by myself

I've got this burning, burning
Yearning feelin' inside me
Ooh, deep inside me
And it hurts so bad
- The Supremes

This post is about my romantic life... (Don't blink, you might miss it.)

I told you not to blink!

Catching My Breath - Part II

2006-07-14T14:47:00.000-06:00

To watch you fly away

like doves do

and crush me

i need you

this air i breathe

like the trees and leaves

we go together like hand in glove

so don't pretend

that love ain't closing in

that i don't recognize

that you don't realize

that we're drawn to (drawn to) one another

friends or lovers

[guy] gotta choose right now

-Raheem DeVaughn

Continuing with home...

I am a new, first time home owner! Well, I'm about to be. I just signed my mortgage papers on a new townhouse. It's currently being built and my walk through date is the 7th; closing is the 14th.

I decided when I was having my taxes done for last year, that I would buy a home this year. As my tax accountant said, "Gurl, you either need to have a baby or buy a house. The government is LOVIN' you!" And she's right. Uncle Sam is/has been loving me. I'm single, no kids, no house, therefore no tax write-offs. Yeah, he's been licking his chops over my tax bill for awhile. And I could just kick myself for not doing this sooner.

See when I first graduated from college a friend told me to buy a house then. At that time housing was cheap in Denver. I could have purchased a brick, Victorian, turn of the century goldmine in a downtown, historically Black neighborhood for about what I'm paying for my townhouse in suburbia. But no, I was hard-headed. I wasn't planning to stay here more than a couple of years before going to film school in NYC or LA. I didn't want the hassle of trying to sell and I didn't want to be a landlord renting a property 50-11 miles away. Yeah, kicking myself right about now.

But even though it's in suburbia (I'm am so NOT a suburban girl - I need urban activity read "hood") and it's not a brick, Victorian I am excited about my new home. It's mine! No one will have lived there before me! All mine! Just me! And - here's the best part - I get to decorate it. Paint, window treatments, furniture, closet and pantry organizers (it's a fetish - just go with it), linens... etc.

I am a little sad that I will be alone in it. My daughter will be living on campus and he and I are no longer a possibility. When I was looking at places, I looked at things big enough for all three of us. But, guess what? I get to run around naked, NEKKID!, in my new home!! In about a month, that is...

Commercial Break

2006-07-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

I want somebody who cares

For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
- Depeche Mode

Okay this is a break from my "catch you up blogs" to share the adventures of my recent vacation. I just got back from five days in Jamaica y'all! It was amazing and fun. I went with friends for a wedding. Actually it was a renewal of vows since the couple actually made it legal back in November before moving into their newly built house. (Gon' girl for sticking to your ideals!)

I was the maid of honor. And I tell you that's the way to do a wedding. The bride called and made the reservations with the resort. When we got there we met with the coordinator all of 10 minutes in her office, then she showed us the two possible sites, we picked one and were told to show up 5 minutes before the scheduled time. What?! That's all I gotta do? Tell you what type of bouquet I want, pick a spot and show up 5 minutes prior? Oh, hecks yeah! That's my kinda wedding!

So the rest of the time we spent relaxing, partying, laughing and basking in the island sun and hospitality. Oh and looking at the sights. Man, were there some sights! Did I mention we stayed at Hedonism II?

The happy couple

The wedding party

Ladies' Toast!

Ooo, look what I found! Can I keep him?!

Oh, and this one too!

Hey, I found another one!

Must be my lucky day cuz here's another one!

Anywho... check this link to see more photos of our adventure. I'm still adding so the album will grow.

Catching My Breath - Part I

2006-07-08T01:10:00.000-06:00

God's gonna heal you everywhere you hurt
you've done all you can so just watch Him work
His wonders
see this one that is mystical sweetness
folks stick around as we watch Him
complete this thing He has done in you and in me
cast your cares upon the sea of tranquility
which by the way you know He would never let you drown in
so why do we die on the beach
when
love abounds in ways untold
people watch their dreams unfold
every day in the blink of an eye
slight of hand
trust me y'all when i say God is the man
He can
and most definitely will
rest your soul
truth be told
let Him have control
see His eye is always on you
and still He keeps the sparrow
even though life isn't easy
- Kem

Whew! What it do people?! Yeah, yeah, yeah it's been a minute. I hope y'all are still watching. A sista had mad upheaval going on and could barely breathe let alone write it all down. I tried - honest I did! But it just kept coming. The good, the bad, the indifferent. So let's see if we can play catch up and sort some of this out.

If I had to compartmentalize my life I'd break it into four parts. Home, church, work and romance. See some would say God, family, work and "you fill in the blank" but for me the first two are intertwined throughout my life (especially the first) so when I look at my world it's kinda in the former categories. Let's start with home...

Back in February God blessed my with a daughter. It was unconventional but, hey, that's my God - He does it like that sometimes. Since then things have been up and down. At that time her parents signed a voluntary consent to let her stay with me. She lived with me until 23 days before her 18th birthday.

In late March she had corrective eye surgery. It had already been planned prior to the the incident so we (she, her parents and I) continued on with it. I took her to the hospital and her mother was supposed to meet us there and go with her to prep for surgery. Well, her mother was late. (We later found out it was because the father demanded she go to the store, buy specific food and make him breakfast before she could go to the hospital.) So I signed her in, helped her get ready, and did the pre-surgery meeting with the medical staff. Moments before they wheeled her back, her mother showed up. At that point I left to go to work and told her I'd be back when she was done to take her home. She was nervous about my leaving but I reassured her I'd be back and left her in her mother's care. (Prior to the surgery her mother had asked her to come home to recouperate afterward but she didn't want to be in the house again at all, let alone blind and helpless. She was terrified the hospital would make her go home with her parents.)

I returned before she was out of surgery but I waited in the waiting room. When she began regaining conscienciousness she freaked out because she heard her father's voice and started calling for me. This upset her mother because she wasn't calling for her. Her mother came out to get me and was hysterical about it. I had to go and calm my daughter down and then try to reassure the mother she didn't hate her. The mother kept saying "I'm her mother. Why is she calling for you?" (A hard thing to do but I said it anyway.) Eventually we left the hospital and I took her home.

I relate all this so you understand what happened that weekend. So we're home Saturday night, two days after her eye surgery. She's laying in her room, eyes covered, in the dark, listening to the TV. I'm in my room doing some work on the computer and talking on the phone. when I get a call from downstairs saying it's the police and he'd like to come up. I buzz him in. Yep you guessed it - her parents brought the police to my house to collect her! What the hell!?

They must have told the cop some outrageous story because he walks into my place, hand on his gun looking around like he expected a wild party of gang bangers smoking and drinking while watching women dance on poles or something. What he found was a quiet, darkened front of the apartment and us in pajamas. So anyway, he says the parents have revoked their permission for her to stay and she needs to go home. He asks where she is and I take him to her room.

She comes into the living room to face her parents shaking. When the officer tells her she has to get her things and go home with them, she becomes hysterical. She's crying and can't see (remember eye surgery), pleading with him and them to let her stay. Then she starts pleading with the officer to take her to social services just don't make her go home with them. She even asks why they are making her go when she's only got 23 days until she's 18. To this the mother says, "You're right and for the next 23 days I will be your mother."

I'm thinking... "Ooooohhhhh, so that's your ish. You mad cuz she called for another woman when she was in pain and confused and you wanna prove you're her mother?" "Well, dayum why haven't you been her 'mother' for the past 17+ years when she was getting her ass beat by yo husband?" "Why you haven't been the 'mother' and gotten all three of your kids away from a controlling, egomanical, abusive, lazy, good-for-nothing man?" "Why weren't you the 'mother' who took her oldest child away the first time her husband beat him, instead of allowing him to beat him for 23 years?" "Why weren't you a 'mother' and stop having kids by this man - bringing more people into the misery?"

So they leave with her and the clothes she has on. Hysterically crying, irritating her already sensitive eyes. (Yeah, that's real "mother-ly".) I don't hear from her for two days. They don't come to church the next day. They don't answer the phone (and people was blowing up the phone, cuz you know I called e'erbody I could that night to get her some help) and eventually their voicemail fills up. A couple of days later she calls to ask if she can come get some clothes. Her father brings her and she only takes enough to last two weeks.

For two weeks we keep in touch. Now she's afraid they will do something to her before her 18th birthday. (Her older brother talked about leaving the house after he turned 18 and just before his birthday, the father had him committed. He was gone for two years. He has since come back a totally withdrawn and depressed person. He is medicated and still lives at home at 23 and, according to my daughter, gets beat on a regular basis.) So she decides to runaway the weekend before her birthday. She devises a plan with friends and disappears Friday night after her shift at work. I get a call Saturday from my sista-friend saying "she's in the wind." I hear from her that Sunday afternoon to let me know she's okay.

The day of her birthday she returns to school (she'd missed two days because she was afraid they'd find her there and make her go back home) and I pick her up, take her to get her things and bring her back home with me. She's been with me ever since.

On August 11th she gets to move into her campus apartment and start her first year of college. She's currently working an intership for the summer at a local law firm. And she's getting better everyday. She's still got a long way to go, lots of trama and drama to unearth, but she'll make it. Thank God, she'll make it.

About a man from a man

2006-04-21T20:33:00.000-06:00

Always dreamed that it would happen
I just didn't know exactly when
All my life I'd been waiting for something amazing
Said it took a while but now I know
So tell me can I get a witness
If you believe in miracles
And the proof I have is living
And my life will never ever be...
And your life don't have to be the... same
- Jamie Foxx

Seeking a Co-Signer

Sometimes communication lines can be blurred in relationships. I’m speaking purely about romantic relationships at this point. Sometimes we men can’t find the right words to express the way we feel and the way we try to express it usually leads to, at the least, more confusion or at most, an argument and hurt feelings. So the whole point of this piece is to speak on behalf of men who are in serious relationships / marriages or are thinking about getting into a serious relationship / marriage.

When the question “What is it that you want from me?” is asked by the female of the twosome, normally two things happen depending on the volatility of the relationship: 1) he quickly jumps to the defensive and assumes that you’re attacking his motives for being in the relationship and answers with “I don’t want anything from you.”; or 2) he’s so overwhelmed by the abruptness of the question and the amount of things that he actually does want, that he can’t answer the question completely.

From being around serious minded men who are seeking women to enter into long-term relationships, their desires from their ideal mate have ranged from being as simple as being a good friend to as absurd as being able to perform oral sex with the prowess of a streetwalker. I won’t judge either one of those prerequisites because people like what they like. But a good solid relationship can’t be based on either of those extremes. Good friendship won’t hold you close at night, and by the same token, good oral sex won’t help you when you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one.

So with that being said, there is a myriad of things that a man needs from a loving relationship. Most men at some stage of their lives would like to have the pin-up model type woman on his arm. Some men may desire a woman that knows her way around the kitchen. Some men, despite belief of the contrary, are attracted to and seek women who are in powerful positions (i.e. lawyers, CEO’s, and executives). These men realize that those type of women have to be in charge of everything 8-12 hours a day, and when they come home they’d much rather not have to call all the shots. Some men look for (and this is a very important quality) a woman whose life is based on her faith in GOD. While others seek a woman who he believes will be a great mother to his offspring. But most men seek all of those things in one, and somewhere between all that, maybe good friendship and oral sex fall into the equation.

But what a man NEEDS (note that I didn’t say wants) is simple: a co-signer. Any man who’s worth his salt will hit a wall in pursuit of his destiny. And the ways of dealing with the frustration of hitting that wall will vary from man to man, but the one constant that each of these men will need is a co-signer to get him back on track. A simple, “Baby it’ll be alright. I’m here with/for you regardless of what happens” is like giving superman a shot of steroids. Knowing that his woman has his back in any situation gives any man the confidence to conquer the world. When his closest friends and family won’t be there, as long as his woman co-signs, he’s good to go.

The most important tool that a woman must possess to be a co-signer, though, is a solid belief in something greater than herself. There is perhaps no stronger force than a prayerful wife. Through her righteousness, the co-signer can give her man a spiritual covering that will save him from several traps and even from destroying himself. (Side note: There’s something to be said about having someone else pray for you. There’s an old story about two fishermen who are shipwrecked and they both end up on separate neighboring islands. One man prayed one prayer as soon as he got on his island and the other man prayed every day. The one that prayed every day got EVERYTHING he asked God for while the other man was there with nothing. So the man who got everything finally prayed for a ship to get him off the island. He got it and was headed away when God stopped him and asked why he wasn’t going to offer his comrade a ride. He said that the man’s faith was weak because he only prayed one time and apparently got nothing that he prayed for. And God replied and told him that the man had gotten everything that he asked for. The one time that he did pray, all he did was ask that his friend get everything that he prayed for.)

There are some cautions on being a co-signer, though. First and foremost, you can’t become one overnight. The right to even be a co-signer comes with serious time and serious trials. A man won’t believe any of your co-signing is genuine unless you have been through tribulations before TOGETHER. And most importantly, you can’t co-sign to EVERYTHING. Being a co-signer comes with responsibility. You cannot be afraid to find a tactful way to tell your man that he is wrong. It happens…often.

In conclusion, there is one thing that should be remembered about being a co-signer. No man will ever tell you this (well.. I guess I’m about to), but there’s not a worse feeling in the world than feeling betrayed by his significant other/wife (which will be referred to as co-signer from this point on). The reason is because for us, it doesn’t seem natural to us to show weakness or to share our fears. The only person in the world that we can share that with is our co-signer. We share (sometimes, reluctantly) with her the things that we can’t even share with our CLOSEST friends/brothers/family members. So all the friendship, good looks, oral sex, professional clout, good motherly ways, etc. is just gravy. But the real meat and potatoes that will keep a relationship well-nourished is the co-signer.

Written by W. Mack

Risk Taking

2006-03-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

"Letting go of all the ones that hurt me

'Cause they never deserved me

Saying 'No' to the thoughts that try to control me

Remembering all you told me"

- Kirk Franklin

Really Living Requires Really Risking
Steve Arterburn, New Life Ministries

I'm convinced that life without risk isn't much of a life. I've known young men who inherited a lot of money, and had all the comforts and securities you could possibly ask for. They had it all, but they lived with no fire in their bellies because there was nothing to burn. Their lives were risk free, and amidst the predictability and comfort that lifestyle bred, they missed becoming the men they could've been. We must give up the chains of predictability and the womb of comfort, and we must jump out there and risk if we're to truly live.

Risk is a choice to heal because it stretches the emotional scar tissue that's so beneficial after an initial wound, but that threatens to restrict and restrain if not rehabilitated. Just like a burn patient must painfully move scarred limbs to stretch damaged skin, so we must also stretch our souls. Risk is the means by which we do that stretching.

Risk Within Limits

It's important to understand the difference between reasonable and unreasonable risk. Sometimes we equate all risk with unreasonable risk and it's not true. No one is asking you to go out on a rotten limb, but rather to pick a strong one and get out on it. If you catastrophize every risk, you'll never take the ones that are reasonable.

Only you can set the limits between reasonable and unreasonable risk. You might not have set limits and boundaries in the past, and if you have a hard time with risk, that may be one of the reasons why. But a life of reasonable risk could help you find and live the life you've been looking for.

Reasons To Risk

There may be many excuses you've used to play it safe. They've worked well for you in your goal to avoid risk, but they haven't worked well for you in living a great life. To live a great life you must have risk. You cannot love unless you risk. You cannot even care about someone unless you risk, because there's always a chance you'll be rejected when you put yourself out there. You cannot connect without risk. Loving, caring, and connecting--the vital elements of life that give it meaning and purpose are great reasons to risk.

You can't serve without risk either. But when you serve, you serve Christ. You do to Christ what you do for another. And He's worth risking for, even if all you get from it is rejection. When you serve and aren't loved for it, you share in the sufferings of Jesus. You fellowship with Christ through your rejection, since almost all His life was filled with rejection. That fellowship with Christ is a powerful healer that can't be experienced unless you're willing to take some risks. You simply can't make your world small enough to be risk free.

The Healing Power Of Risk

Risk is a healer. It demands faith and trust. It eliminates a lifestyle of self-preservation, because self-preservation ignores the power of God. You can't allow yourself to be healed if you're trying to protect yourself from what cannot be prevented--trials and sorrows. You're going to have them, and when you take a risk and move into them under God's power rather than try to defend against them under your own power, you're making the choice to heal.

The great preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon said, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength." You can't lead a healed life in anxiety. It'll rob you of the strength you need today. It'll steal the tomorrow you were meant to enjoy. The answer for those who need healing from a risk-adverse life is found in 1 Peter 5:7: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Do that right now. You can trust that God cares for you. It's worth the risk to give God all your fears, and embark upon a future of healing and excited anticipation about what might be around the next turn.

The Big Lie

The lie that you must protect yourself from any more pain is a really big one. If you've tried to live your life that way, I have a question for you. How's it going so far? Don't be an irresponsible steward of what God has given you by taking unreasonable risks; but by all means, don't allow fears and hardships to keep you from moving forward.

You're going to be hurt and you can't do anything to prevent it, but you can trust God each time a hurt comes along. Trust that while you don't have the power to protect yourself, He has the power to turn every hurt into something that improves you and glorifies Him. You'll never protect yourself from all the hurt, but you'll protect yourself from missing the life God intended when you make the choice to risk.

Healing is a choice. It's God's choice, but many times we stand in the way of what God wants for us. There isn't a choice more difficult than the choice to risk. My hat is off to all of you who'll make that choice today. May the blessings of God be upon you for your amazing courage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above piece is an adaptation from Healing Is A Choice: Ten Decisions That Will Transform Your Life & Ten Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them, by Steve Arterburn. Nashville: Nelson Books, 2005. Stephen Arterburn is the founder of New Life Clinics, the largest provider of Christian counseling and treatment in North America. As host of the daily New Life Live! radio program, he is heard nationally on over one hundred and eighty stations and at www.newlife.com. Steve is the creator of the Women of Faith(r) Conferences and is the author/coauthor of over thirty books, including Healing is a Choice, Lose it For Life, The God of Second Chances, Every Man's Battle, and Avoiding Mr. Wrong.

How can I forget?

2006-03-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mea culpa
Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je suis la et ailleurs
Je n'ai plus rien
Je deviens folle
Je m'abondonne
Mea culpa
- Enigma

Things are not well with my soul. Last night was a hard night. For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I couldn't pray. I couldn't see my way to God. I felt bereft. I felt lost. I felt empty.

I have felt lonely for some time now. I have craved companionship, fellowship with a special man. I desire to be part of a family; wife and mother. I want to be able to listen, talk, share all of me with one person instead of parts of me with different people. I love my friends, family, but even with all their love and support there is still an emptiness that isn't touched.

I want to fully commit myself to a man who is fully committed to me. I want a best friend, lover, confidante, supporter, protector, nurturer who will accept no less from me. I want to be covered while I give shelter from the world. I want my own Warrior King beside me as we do God's will (to the best of our ability). I long for this. If I am truthful, I thought I had found it.

Last night as I talked to him, I was trying to share my fears, my concerns - trying to allow one person to know all of me - when he hit me with a harsh interpretation. He told me I am "so worried about what's coming out of the kitchen that I am starving even with a plate full of food in front of me." In other words, I'm so focused on what is missing from my life, what I yearn for, that I overlook - am not grateful for - the fullness and blessing I do have in my life. That hurt.

It hurt because he said it and to know that is how he sees me - spoiled, ungrateful, selfish - is hard to digest. But more importantly it hurt because I believed it is how God sees me. Suddenly it seemed to make sense why He has denied me; He has given me so much and I still say "I want more, please." I thought I was grateful. I thought I was obedient. I thought I was faithful but suddenly it hit me "What if I'm not?" "What if I'm throwing His blessings back in His face by taking all He has given and asking for more?"

And just like that, I spiralled into an even deeper depression. One I couldn't climb out of. I realized as much as feeling physically and emotionally alone hurt, being spiritually alone was devastating. What if all I'd known, all I'd done, said, prayed had been fake? What if I was a fake? What if I had fooled myself that I am a grateful servant but really I'm not. What if...? I'd thought I'd done well with my mission/ministries and I only needed someone to support me to be able to continue on. But now I was feeling that I'd failed. I had been so focused on my desires, that I'd lost perspective of His will for me.

And I felt that this was my punishment. Being found by a man who fit the "desires of my heart" but not being the desire of his. Being given the opportunity to be a "mother" to a young lady but only for a few months. I was to feel what it was like but not be able to hold onto it. To touch it then have it taken away.

I was told to pray. That I was allowing the enemy to take hold and I needed to pray. I was even told the words to say to get me started. But when I got off the phone, turned out the lights and layed down - I had nothing. I could not concentrate. I could not find the words. I felt so far away from God and I didn't know how to get back. Eventually I fell asleep, my last thoughts of how I was going to force myself to carry on and finish what I'd started.

When I woke this morning, eyes burning, a song was playing in my head...

How can I forget what you've done for me?
How can I forget how you've set me free?
How can I forget how you brought me out?
How can I forget? No, never!

Heartbreak and Blessing

2006-02-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

- Bonnie Tyler

Oohh wee! What the hecks is goin' on?! Let me tell you I'm spinning! Let me see if I can break it down...
School

I'm over half-way through my principal's training program. Portfolio needs to be done in May. Currently working on 3rd of 5 projects to complete my portfolio. I'll be honest though, I'm not giving it 100% of my attention. Why? Because... ummm... yeah... can't really get into it but also because there is so much extra credit stuff going on in the other departments of my life. I need to buckle down and just do the "dang thang" like only I can. I'm a wiz at school, so I need to just put it on 'em.
I did, however, take the state principal licensing test on Saturday. 100 multiple choice questions. The test started at 7:55 am and we had until 12:25 to complete it. I had flown in Friday night at 12:30 am from Los Angeles, I was sick with a horrible cold, and it was -5011 degrees outside. But your woman finished the test at 9:45 am. I feel good about it; there were 5 questions, tops, that I struggled picking one answer on.

Work

Our district has a new superintendent and chief academic officer. What does that mean? My current position has been overhauled and I have to reapply if I want to keep it next year (it's an annual position anyway but in the past the principal could simply notify the district that he wanted to keep you). The overhauling, mind you, means the same job plus a few other assignments "as necessary" for less pay. Oh and it's at the CAO discretion which school I would be assigned to.
So I've decided to stay at my current school (because it's predominately Black and Brown which is the population I want to work with) and apply for a full-time teaching position. Yep, I'm going back into the classroom full-time.
What about the principal thing? Next year will be the first operational year under the new regime, there will be lots of dust flying as they overhaul and change things, so I'm going to lay low until some of it settles. Now is not my time.

Romance

The first weekend of February I spent in Baltimore with him. I was there doing some consulting work (side jig) Thursday and Friday and he and I made plans to spend the weekend. We had a good weekend but he decided that he's not meant for me. He also admitted he's in love with someone else. It hurt. A lot. I'd finally trusted someone with a deep part of me and he doesn't want me. Ouch! He cried, I cried. Yada, yada, yada...
It's extra hard because outside of the romantic he is my best friend. So as I hurt and go through the other bumps in my life (see the rest of this post), he is the person I want to turn to. And he's still there for me. Which is weird but a blessing. Obviously there's more to the story but it's so convoluted he and I can barely figure it out but y'all get the gist.
The "Ex" is about to be released from prison. He's been approved for a half-way house and should be out in the next week or so. He's still pressing for us to try to make it work. He says it's his goal to marry me. (He is on me to change my locks.) Keep hope alive, my brotha, keep hope alive.
I ran into an old crush about three weeks ago. We've known each other for over 10 years. It was good to see him and we've been texting since then but haven't been able to hook up yet due to my traveling and other hecticness. He has invited me to celebrate his birthday though as soon as possible (it was February 3rd).

Home

One of the youth from my church is now living with me. She is 17 and a senior in high school. She will be 18 in two months, graduate in three months, and go to college in six months. Can you say "instant motherhood?" It's been crazy and I'm still trying to make sense of it.
As you can imagine, it's not a good situation. (The causation, not the fact she's with me; that's good.) She reported her dad for abuse and after dealing with police, social services, hospitals and not the least her controlling father, she's safe with me. It's tenuous so I've got to make sure I keep social services on the case, but we're just trying to make it through until April when he legally cannot control her anymore. Keep us in prayer y'all.
My dream of buying a home this year is starting to slip away. I'm not sure I can afford it and I'm not happy about it. But I'll keep praying on it because God is able no matter how bleak things look to us (and our bankers).

Church

Other than the extra attention taking the young lady in has brought, things are staying pretty even. I've only been to church once since it all happened and I've avoided speaking directly about it other than to the few people who already knew and/or are close to me. But, blessedly, I do continue to get voicemails of encouragement from people.

So what's up with y'all?

2 seconds off yo ass!

2006-01-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I've got no patience now

So sick of complacency now

I've got no patience now

So sick of complacency now

Sick of sick of sick of sick of you

Time has come to pay...

Know your enemy!

- Rage Against The Machine

~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine once explained that what most white people get twisted is which Black people to fear. They think that thugged out brotha or loud-mouth video vixen dressed sista is the one they should stay clear of. As long as they don't live, work, play near those Black people, then they will be safe. What they don't realize is us intelligent, educated, middle/upper class, professional Black people are 2 seconds off their asses too! They see the "ghetto" denizens as angry, openly hostile. But the rest of us got that stealth anger going on and at any second that shit is gonna pop off. Fo' real!

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight was my pop off. I'm currently in a principal preparation program. It's a small, elitist program - we are only the third cohort to go through, so I can accurately say I am one of only 60 R****** fellows in the world. We are the shit! My cohort has 18 people in it and I am pleased to say that 5 of us are Black, 3 are Latino, and 1 is Latino/Japanese. Pretty damn diverse considering this is Denver.

~~~~~~~~~~

So anyway there is this one white chick (yeah, I called her chick cuz that's about as much sense she has - a baby chicken) who is so stuck up and stuck on herself. The program kicked off with a week-long retreat at the end of the summer in this remote mountain ranch. No phone, no cell phone, no internet access, and only 2 TV channels. (Yeah, we was roughin' it in cabins.) A week with 22 strangers (3 facilitators & 1 other participant who has since quit the program). Not the the opportunity most people would be looking forward to but hey, you make the best of it. The purpose of the retreat, as you can guess, was to help us bond.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone was doing their best to step out and do that. Everyone but white, skinny chic. From the word go (or the word whoa) she was standoff-ish, aloof, condescending, rude, evil, and just plain heifer-ish. So the rest of us just went on without her. My feeling about her almost from day one was she only deals with people who a) are on her "level", b) are above her "level", and c) have something she needs (i.e. the power to promote her ass). Therefore she quickly summed us all up and decided we couldn't do anything for her, were not of her "ilk" and dismissed us all. Especially the minorities. She spent the whole retreat lips pursed, legs crossed and sucking up to the facilitators. Whatever heifer!

~~~~~~~~~~

So now 5 months later, she's gotten a little better (I think because the facilitators told her she needed to play nice) but for the most part is still pulling her "I'm so much better than you all and you need to know that" routine. Fine. I don't want to be your friend. And I just keep my distance.

~~~~~~~~~~

Understand though that there is a difference between not liking you personally and respecting you as a person and/or professionally. I don't have to like you to work with you. And there are plenty of times in class when the facilitators will have us pair up, group up, to work together. Since I'm not usually sitting near her, we never have had to. Until tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I sat my stuff down then left the room. In the meantime she came into class and took the seat to my left. When I returned, I'll admit, I was like "Damn! I don't wanna sit by her." But I'm a professional, we only have to sit next to each other and if we do have to talk, I can do that without sneering or throwing up.

~~~~~~~~~~

Inevitability the moment comes tonight when the facilitators tell us to turn, pair up with a person and discuss ____________. Now normal, grown-ass people look to their left and their right and pair up as necessary. We are sitting such that she and I are numbers 3 and 4, respectfully, at the table. So naturally we should pair up.

~~~~~~~~~~

That heifer looks to her left (never looks right) and turns her back on me to start talking to the guy next to her. So now I'm sitting in the middle of the table with no one to talk to (people #5 & 6 logically start talking to each other; person #1 - who person #2 should have paired with - had gotten up to get some water but was on his way back). The guy she's talking to, looks over and says

C: "T, come on join us."

T: "No, that's okay, C. I got the message. I'm good."

SWC: "Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, join us." (dry tone of voice)

T: "Um, no. I got the message. You turned your back on me. Do what you do."

C: "Aaaa, no T join us."

T: "Naw, C - I'm good. Obviously SWC doesn't want anything to do with me."

At this point I'm getting up and walking outta the room to keep from slapping the ho.

C: "Come on T. You can join us."

T: "Naw, C - I'm straight."

~~~~~~~~~~

So the rest of the evening I sat next to the heifer and scared her ass. She sat wrapped so tight she was afraid to blink in case I might cut her ass. And I just stretched out and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

~~~~~~~~~~

The thing is... the thuggish, ruggish set may take your life; you end up dead. We intelligent, educated, professional types will take your life; make you wish you were dead.

Sunday Blessings

2006-01-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

My God said
"In the midst of your storm"
He said

"I'm gonna have my way"

He said

"I am God

And above me there's no other"

He said

"No weapon

No weapon formed against me

shall ever prosper"

- Potter's House Mass Choir

As I drove up to my church today, I saw a man standing on the corner holding two enormous signs, each at least four feet tall and three wide. One sign had an enlarged photo of an aborted fetus and the other had some words on it denouncing the pro-choice stance. As I turned off the boulevard and onto the side street I saw a van parked on the street in front of the church (about 10 yards from the corner) and it also had large signs propped against it on all sides with more photos and wording.

Now regardless of my personal feelings about abortion and if I would ever have it done, I was offended. And I was even more offended that the people had decided to set up in front of my church as if we supported their actions (if not their sentiments). I was concerned that passersby on the boulevard (one of the busiest in Denver) would assume we, meaning my church, had placed the demonstrators there. It didn't matter that my church is one of the largest, if not the largest, and wealthiest Black churches in Denver, and that the demonstrators were white. I just didn't want anyone to think for a minute we had anything to do with that.

I also didn't want any woman or man who may have made the decision , for whatever reasons, to have an abortion and were coming to church to be discouraged. Church, in my opinion, should be a safe haven. A place where we all can come, admit we are all sinners in some way, and ask the Lord for forgiveness. Sin is sin - one is not worse than another. God don't like any of it. Period. The end. But he does forgive if we repent. Who are we (men and women) to tell someone their sin is worse and/or unforgivable than our own?

So I started my church service not in the best of moods. But today one of my "children" delivered the sermon. He is a young man I had in the youth ministry when I was a counselor/coordinator. When I met him he was in middle school. I worked with him in bible study, a Rites of Passage program, the choir, and other youth fellowship programs all through high school and into the beginning of college. At the age of 18 he was licensed as a minister and now at 21 (he just turned 21 in October) he's still in college, engaged to be married in April and preaching the Word of God. (And preaching it with force and conviction.) I am so proud of him.

As a teacher I've had the joy of seeing my first group of 8th graders graduate from high school. I've buried one student. Gone to court over and seen a couple of students go to prison. I've coached pee-wee games, middle school games. Attended high school games. I've been to recitals, baptisms, quinceneras, trial sermons, track meets, tennis matches, baseball games on and on. And even when I felt like screaming, giving up because they had given up on themselves, I remember the joy, the laughter and the smiles of seeing them go on. And I remember my charge - "Train up a child in the way he should go. And when he grows old, he will not depart from it." Today I saw my "son" speak the word of God and he blessed me. The student has become the teacher. Hallelujah!

Guest Appearance V

2006-01-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

Until the end of time

I'll be there 4 u

U own my heart and my mind

I truly adore u

If God one day struck me blind

Your beauty I'd still see

Love is 2 weak 2 define

Just what u mean 2 me

- Prince

Nothing can introduce this lady better than her own words:

"I am a true southern lady. I'm a divorced mother of 3 boys. I love life and I love to smile and laugh. I have so many interests. Music is my passion, especially jazz, and writing poetry. I have a passion for life and a passion for love." Friends and visitors, I bring you Luscious Honey.

I Want To Be Loved

Will I ever hear those words whispered in my ear?
I live for this day.
Will I ever be in the arms of a strong embrace?
I just want to be held.
Will I ever be looked deep in my eyes and see a passion that burns?
For only I?
Loving so sweet I don’t ever want to share.
Will I ever be held deep into the night?
I’m so tired of sleeping alone.
Will I ever feel so precious and treasured?
I want to feel adoring kisses on my face.
Will I ever be the only one that he needs?
I want to be the reason [he smiles].
Will I ever be [his] all and all?
I want to be the one [he shares his] life with.
Will I ever be whole?
A piece of me is walking around somewhere in this world.
Will he ever come to me?
Will I ever?
Will I ever?
Will I ever hear I LOVE YOU?
I just want to be loved.

The News

2006-01-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

I hope

Life treats you kind

And I hope

You have all you've dreamed of

And I wish you joy

And happiness

But above all this

I wish you love

- Whitney Houston

What's up people? The sabbatical is over. Hold up - is it still a sabbatical when you're working frantically and frenetically? Well, the blog sabbatical is over at least. What's been going on? Even though I've been absent from the pen, I have still been present with the page. I wanna say a few words to some of my blog buddies who I continued to peep while I was away.

Zed - Bruh, you sure know how to keep a sista smiling and flat laughing out loud.
Dee Dee - hurry up and get the PC fixed so we can IM. I need you my sista, bad! But keep praying for me.
Hassan - Hang tight. Keep praying and keep the faith. I know how it feels to want to fold up but we also know how good the Lord is and how faithful He is to us.
Nameliar - Gurl, just be you! I love your style. Keep it real and don't settle just because the d*** is good.
Organized Noise - I feel like I spend my weekends in NYC thanks to your spot. Also we think so many of the same thoughts, we may have been separated at birth. Oh, but wait, I'm much older than you. Well, maybe we were twins in a past life. And I love you to life, but you gotta take the title "Denver Broncos" from above my name on your blog. I am an OAKLAND RAIDER fan, mortal enemies of any bronco fans. I understand the premise, so you can list me under Denver Nuggets (my first choice), Colorado Avalanche, Colorado Rockies, Denver Mammoths, Colorado Rapids, or Denver Crush (all Denver professional teams) but, please, don't put my name with the broncos!
Ms. Powderpink - I found your blog over the Christmas break and got in on the "No Bastard Kids" episodes. Wrong ain't right no matter how many people do it. Not that that makes the parents bad people (and it sure isn't a reflection on the kids - not their fault in any way, shape, or form) but it don't make them right either.
Humanity Critic - Who probably won't ever see this but, wow! Prolific writer aren't you? And got something to say about e'rrthang and e'rrone. Keep it coming.
Teej - A calm spot to visit everyday for a little smile.

So life has been... well, life. Christmas break was well needed and well used. I spent the first week performing in concerts for the season. One at church and one with the Denver Symphony Orchestra. I had two CD's released over the holiday and have been knee deep in distributing and promoting them. One is my church choir's own CD while the other is a joint effort with the symphony (from last year's performance). The second week was for sleeping, organizing the house and talking to him.

Work has been rip-roaring fun, too! We've had overcrowded classes since about October. The district projected our enrollment at 525 this year, so at the end of last year we had to cut teachers. Guess what, folks?! We have 650 students in the building so far and more transferring e'rrday. Therefore we (read I) had to scramble and revise the master class schedule to create smaller classes this semester. The new schedule went into effect last Tuesday (principal delays, don't ask) and, surprisingly with only a few glitches. Unfortunately it's not over; we (read I) still have to resolve a few issues and actually get it online. My hope is it will be completely done within the next two weeks.

The district also has a new superintendent. He was actually hired over the summer, but now he's starting to spell out his initiatives. One thing I know, my position has been eliminated as of next school year. Now I've got to decide what types of jobs I want to apply for next year. I could go back to full time teaching or I could go full time administration. I know I don't want to do the half and half thing anymore. I just don't feel like I give my best to either side when I do both. So I've decided to take my principal's licensing test next month instead of waiting until April. If I pass then it's over. If I don't then I'll know what to expect in April. But that's the only decision I've made so far.

Meanwhile, my principal / leadership program is going well. I can't believe I'm half way through. I'm contemplating doing the extra classes to get a master's degree but then again, do I really need another one? But then again it's only 2-3 more classes so why not? But then again, is there such a thing as being over-educated? But then again I do want to get a master's of divinity, which would be 3 master's degrees... is that too much? I guess I don't have to decide right now, but it's a thought that's been crossing my mind.

There's more, much more, on the emotional front, but honestly, I'm still too close to it to share yet. Although I think I need to write it out. So look for future entries on multiple topics, not the least of which are him. Keep bloggin' buddies! Until we meet again - your place or mine.

Welcome to 2006! (Guest Appearance IV)

2006-01-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

Lead me on girl if you must

Take my heart and my love

Take of me all that you must

And if there's a thing that you need

I'd give you the breath that I breathe

'N if ever you yearn for the love in me

Whenever Wherever Whatever

- Maxwell

It's was a blessed and wonderful holiday - I'll share more later. But for now I wanted to present another poet and his work. I recently met this man and I have been very impressed with his writing. I have several of his pieces and it was difficult to choose just one to spotlight. (As soon as I thought I had my pick, he'd post something else that was equally impressive.) I picked this piece because it speaks to my heart where I am right now. Words like these are what I desire and deserve to hear from the (future) man in my life. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sweet.

Willingness

If I could ease your past then I would

If I could take every tear that you've cried, and throw them in the air,
and watch the clouds embrace them,
then I would.

If I could have met you years ago and made you the first Mrs. Sweet
I would, but since I can't what I will do is this.

I will take everyday that I am awake
just to say, "I love you"

Freeze frame every moment that we are together
so when tomorrow comes,
I can repeat everything that we said
and everything that we did
because every moment with you is worth reliving all over again

I will spend everyday trying to make you fall in love with me
trying to make you realize
everytime you look into my eyes,
you will see a man who cries
not just tears, but life
because each tear that falls allows my passion for you to grow

I will love you in spite of your past
I will love you because of your past
because your past
is just your past
and past me there is nothing
and whoever you have been with in the past
doesn’t matter
because who you are with now
is who you are supposed to be with now

What I will do is
Rub your head because you expect me to
Rub your feet because you want me to
Rub your back because you will me to
Rub your thighs because you desire me to
Rub your soul because you need me to
and believe me sweetheart,
all I want to do, is do what you want me to

I will invite you into every area of my life
allow you to see those spots that hurt the most
even though they were supposed to be covered for life
but I know before I can make you my wife
I must first make you my life
make you feel comfortable in my space
convince you to take your place
because next to God there is you

This is not a race that I want to run alone
winning is natural to me
it is what I am destined to do,
but winning is not winning at all
if I can't win with you
so will you run with me?

What I will do is make you promises
BUT DON'T BE AFRAID
Because with me promises made
are promises kept
and promises kept
are destinys fulfilled
and I promise to love you into your destiny
So pack your bags,
you are coming with me

What I will do is
Take one phrase and present it to you,
Will you marry me?
Take my two kids and offer them to you
Take three moments to wait for your answer
Take your fourth finger and put
Five diamonds on it
Take six days to tell you that I love you
Take seven days to show you how much I love you
Take eight minutes to make you cum
And take nine months to see what comes
Give you ten breaths to push what might come
Take eleven months go give you all that I have
And take twelve months to reflect on our anniversary

So you see
No one knows like I know what you mean to me
But this is my life and you are my life
And there are few things in this world that I know
But I do know this
For you
I will
Do
Anything